Saturday, May 28, 2011


The breast feeding thing is stressful again. I honestly don't know what to do. Two days ago I went to bed with a really bad plugged duct on the right. Actually it almost felt like the whole top side was blocked. It hurt like hell. I tried nursing her on that side and then was worried that the other side felt like it was plugging up to but thankfully it didn't. Anyways since it was later in the night when I felt the blockage she was to sleepy to nurse which sucked. I was worried about going to bed with it plugged because waking up four hours later I might be in so much pain. Thankfully it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Unfortunately she didn't unplug it until sometime in the afternoon of the next day. I had used warm compresses a bit before I fed her and we just got comfy on the couch and she ate. Thankfully I felt relief eventually. But seriously I am getting sick of this crap. I even tried pumping a few times to hopefully loosen the blockage. Well all that I did must have worked since it's gone.

I think the shield is to big for the pump though since I've tried everything to help with the suction. Actually it might have worked a bit because I think it's better but I still run it at the highest setting and I don't think it's the greatest. I still was able to get about an 1oz out after feeding her, so it's sort of working. Yesterday we went to the store in the crappy mall because I knew they had different sizes. Unfortunately they had every size but the size I needed. So now I have to call around and figure out where to get it. I hope this solves the problem though, but in the mean time at least I can still pump milk out. It's nice to have that option especially when we are away from the house for more then a few hours.

Seriously though today she is really cranky and fussy. I feel like every five mins she is back on the boob. I don't know if I can do this anymore. I don't even know if the herbs are making a difference anymore but I don't want to stop taking them until Thurs or Fri next week so that when and if it goes to shit again it will be on the weekend and Chris will be here to help me. It's just really frustrating. I have no idea what to do. GRRR. Why can't it just be freaking easy for me? After all that I went through I don't want to stop then all that worry and stress would be for nothing but at the same time is it worth it? Well in the long run for her it is but for me? I don't know. She could possibly be going through a growth spurt maybe. Although it's a few weeks until she is three months though. It's possible or does she just need a freaking nap! She is stubborn about going to sleep! :( ahhhhh

Saturday, May 21, 2011

needle fun...not :(

So putting the patches on wasn't as bad as I thought, although her legs were pretty small for the area it had to cover. I sort of freaked out earlier in the day when I read the instructions and it said not to use under 3 months unless instructed by a doctor nor to use more then one at a time. So I ended up calling the doctor office to ask. The receptionist said she never heard of not using two and she had a two month old in the other day with two on. So I just went with it. I was still hesitant but I didn't know what to expect.

We got there and she weighed her. She was only 11lbs 10z which was down from the weekend but that is because at the hospital they weighed her with her clothes and diaper on and she was 12 lbs there so yeah. She also measured her and her head but I didn't get a chance to catch those numbers so I will have to do that myself this weekend sometime so I have a record of it. Unfortunately when she moved the wooden measuring thing it banged shut and it must have started Monkey because she started wailing! I never heard her cry that hard or loud before and nothing either of us could do would make her stop crying. I was sitting there thinking, 'OH great she hasn't even had her shots yet!'. Her screams were so loud! Even her soother didn't help at all. The doctor checked her over and went and got the needles. I don't think she liked him taking the stickers off. I couldn't really see what was going on since I was behind the doctor (the table thing she was on was against the other wall).

Chris said he didn't think she noticed the first needle because she was in the middle of a cry. She might have noticed the second one. It was hard to tell since she was crying already anyways. She sort of calmed down once we got her dressed and in the stroller, although Chris had to drive her around the office while I was booking the next appointment for her four month shots. She also gave me a immunization card to show what she had done today.

I tried to ask the doctor a few questions but it was hard to hear him. I did ask if she would have any problems with the shots. He said she shouldn't and that we could give her Tylenol  for pain if she has any. I also asked about her non peeing for long periods over night but he wasn't concerned about that. I wanted to ask about switching to formula but it was hard to hear and concentrate anyways with the screaming. I had found online one of the formula sites had a chart of how to switch to formula anyways. 

So that night she seemed alright. There might have been more crying then normal but for the most part she wasn't to bad. I just fed her often when she just wouldn't stop crying. Well I guess it wasn't to many more times then normal. She slept last night for 6-7 hours again! Then slept again for 3-4 hours after I fed her at 4 in the morning. Crazy! I almost worry sometimes because she doesn't get up. I had to wake her up both times though to eat! It might have been because it was warm in there though.

It's warm in the house today. Around 85! That is the highest I have ever seen it. I put monkey in the cute little outfit that Tammy and the girls got her (the onsie with the giraffe on it and the polka dotted diaper cover so she would be cooler). She looks so cute!!

We might go for a walk today although with it being this hot I have no idea what to wear and I don't want to feel huge nor overheat out in the sun. I really can't wait to get rid of the rest of the prego weight! geeez!

Friday, May 20, 2011

baby's first needles...

So last night I had the baby eat off the right side more and finally after a lot of massaging and warm compresses it started to drain! Mucho relief since it was basically the whole top of my breast. I HATE PLUGGED DUCTS! Seriously they are starting to annoy me. I have no idea what I did to cause this one. I'm just glad that it went away mosty. It's not 100% gone but could you imagine what it would have been like in the middle of the night! I would have had to wake the baby to eat instead of letting her sleep until she woke up!!

Last night she slept from 12:30 to about 7! Which was super nice! Except I had to check her a few times to make sure she was breathing :( but I think that is me being paranoid. She also went the whole night without peeing AGAIN. UGH. I'm sure the flood gates will open soon though. It just reminded me that I have to mention it to the doctor today. At least when she has done it, it's only at night time so maybe she just is good at holding it or something. That would be nice if it meant she was easy to potty train. But seriously she had so much milk from the right side once the plugged areas let go I thought she would have had a super soaker this morning. The only thing about today is I have to remember to put on the emla patches around 2:40! So they will be ready for when he does his needles. Ugh I am not looking forward to that and I just want it to be over with!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Baby is sleeping in her swing. I guess she must have gotten enough the last time I fed her which was around 2 pm. We took a trip to work to show her to a few people that hadn't seen her and of course some that already had so I had tried to feed her at 11:45 am but it had only been about an hour since she last ate so I don't think she was to interested or got to much at all. So after getting home I thought she would be hungry and she was a bit cranky but again she didn't seem to eat to much. Maybe she has just gotten really efficient or something? She was rubbing her eyes (she just started doing this last week and it's the cutest thing ever) so I set her in her swing with her soother and turned it on and she is now napping :)

I tried pumping last night and this morning. I haven't pumped in a while but it is nice to have some milk to bring with us when we go somewhere just in case. Well it has like no suction on it anymore and it's frustrating the HELL out of me. I hate pumping but right now I don't even have the OPTION to pump. GAWD. After this I will hate the words breast feeding and anything that has to do with it. It finally is going okay and then the pump is being a jerk. SERIOUSLY! I'm so annoyed at the moment. I was reading on the LLL boards and someone mentioned that it might be the membrane that needs to be changed. I have two extra ones that haven't been used at all so next time I try I will use one of those. If that doesn't the same then the book has a few suggestions, although really they are all common sense. Another person on the LLL boards also mentioned try taking it apart and making sure when you put it back together that everything is put together tightly. That seemed to work for them. So I have a few things to try. If none of those work I will probably bring it with us when we see Heidi in about 3 weeks and/or call Medela and see what they say. I really hope it's something easy like the membrane just needs to be replaced. Ugh. Stupid thing.

Tomorrow monkey gets her first needles and I am not looking forward to it. I hope they aren't as bad as I think it's going to be. I could barely stand it when they did the heel prick test, but that had to be worse then two needles. :( Tomorrow I am also going to ask his recommendations on what type of formula to get for her and how I would go about transitioning from bf to formula feeding. I know last weekend I was ready to give up bf but it seems to be going way better this week so I will keep trucking for as long as I can. Right now my goal is 6 months and hopefully I can stretch it out to at least a year. I really want to continue with it since it's the best for her and the perks of bf are so much better then bottle feeding. She also seems to be not taking as long although it's still every 2-3 hours and she is sleeping at least a 4-5 hours stretch at night so that is really helping. I think at one point this week while I was feeding her I was just looking down at her and thinking that I might actually miss it if I stopped and that just made me sad. It seems that I just have to keep taking those pills (3 of each) 3 times a day. I'm glad that they aren't that expensive! Hmm I might have to calculate how much it would cost to get to 6 months old if there is only enough pills in one bottle for 10 days. When I think of it like that, that kind of sucks. The last two times I tried weening myself off of them, everything got really shitty and stressful and it seemed like she was having a hard time. Those times really made me seriously consider formula, since the constant worry and stress gets exhausting after awhile.

These boards here at the LLL have really helped me, I haven't posted as of yet because all my questions have been answered. There are tons of other mothers out there that have gone through the same thing I have. If your breastfeeding and having trouble definitely check it out:

I can't believe it's almost the end of May already. It seems like yesterday was my birthday and now it's almost June. Monkey is two months old now!! She was two months on Tues! Time flies by quickly! I also look at the breast feeding in that perspective as well. Sure it seems like it's a long time to do this, since it's so often and time consuming, but in the long run it's only a scratch on the surface and this time with baby will be gone so quickly even if it doesn't seem like it at the time. I want to do what's best for her and if it's only going to get easier I might try to get past 3 months and see how it is. If I give up now I will never know, and I didn't go through all that trouble to stop when it seems like it's going okay finally. Took a lot of tears , stress and determination to get this far I might as well keep trucking. Who knows though a few days from now I might feel differently again.

I also want to finish painting the baby's room this weekend. I just have to stop at Michael's and get the paint for the tree and leaves. I'm excited but scared to put anything over the green in case I screw it up lol! I probably will tape the outline of the tree first before starting then the rest will be easy. We need to get some shelves for the baby's room as well, since we have no where to display some of her stuffed animals, books etc. Should be fun though!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011


2:29 pm

I feel like complete crap today. I woke up in the wee hours to feed monkey and had the starting of a sore throat. I was pretty cold so no surprise there but I was hoping it would be one of those ones that goes away after your up for a bit. No such luck. It's 2:30 and I still have that feeling and a slight headache. Just enough to make you feel like shit. Thankfully monkey is not fussy or cranky today. Actually she is sleeping at the moment which is nice, although I am sure she will wake up soon crying because she is hungry. She only ate from one side for less that 20 mins so we will see. Sucky.

5:58 pm

ooo I just realized this is May 24 weekend! Which means Chris should have a three day weekend! Woot!!

Monday, May 16, 2011


Last night monkey was almost laughing out loud. It was the cutest thing ever. We both cannot wait until she does. I had just finished feeding her and I was talking to her and she was all smiles for the longest time. She started cooing a bit. Chris could hear her all the way from the computer. He said she was doing the same thing earlier when he had her on the play mat on the ground. So close to giggling and laughing.

I had stopped taking fenugreek on Friday night to see if I could slowly stop taking the herbs instead of just stopping both suddenly. But yesterday her feedings started going to crap again so the herbs must be making a difference. It was so stressful she was frantic to get milk but either wasn't getting it fast enough or wasn't getting enough. I started taking them at once again. I can't deal with that whole situation again. Thankfully they aren't that much money. I only have enough for today and part of tomorrow so I need to go down and get some more. She had a better time eating in the wee hours of the morning and this morning so far. So that is a HUGE relief.

Yesterday I had decided to switch to bottle feeding, or hopefully be able to do some supplementing but still breast feed some of the time. It definitely is something we need to talk to with the doctor at least and possibly Heidi as well. Today I'm not so sure anymore. I hate this going back and forth. I feel so guilty wanting to quit and then I feel like I went through all that trouble to stop just before she is three months? I guess though it's not all for nothing as she did get breast milk for two months.

My only concern about switching over and being totally bottle fed is what would I do if the power is off all day long again. Although I like Chris's idea that we could have a case or a few cans or whatever amount of premixed ready to go formula in case that happens again. I don't know. It all depends on what we can do and what the doctor says. I have no idea how to bottle feed. How often does she get one? How much? How do we know when to increase to an extra ounce? What are her diapers like? Ugh so many questions.

Although at least mom and Tam and everyone would be able to answer those questions since they all bottle fed. I still don't know what to do. I don't think I will know until I know more and just up and decide one day that I can't continue.

okay monkey is getting cranky. gotta go see why :)

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Emergency room trip!!

So this morning we went and brought Monkey down to the emergency room at around 8:30am. When we checked her diaper this morning after I fed her, which was around 7, she did not have a wet diaper. That means she went 12 hours (TWELVE HOURS!!!) without a wet or dirty diaper. The last time she peed was around 7pm last night, she did have a dirty one around 8pm so she could have had a pee in that one but it was so light it was hard to tell. Then nothing for 12 hours. Just before we left for the hospital she had a really small one. I was right freaking worried and I was like we are definitely going to the hospital. A few days ago she had done the same thing but it was only a 6 hour stretch. This 12 hour non pee really scared me. I've already been stressed about the whole breast feeding thing and just not wanting to have anything to do with it the past few days that this was just the icing on the cake. I was really worried that something was wrong and that I just couldn't tell or see it.

As far as I could tell she has been acting normal. I didn't want to not go and then regret it if something happened to her or was wrong with her. So we got her all bundled up and went down. Thankfully the main room was fairly empty and there were only two other people ahead of us.

Once it was our turn we told the triage nurse what was up. She checked her heart rate and her temp and asked us a bunch of questions. I told her I was breast feeding and that had a hard time with it right from the start and was at the point that I just wanted to switch to formula. She said she completely understood where I was coming from because with her first she was the same way and had to make the switch. She said with her second though she was able to truck through the shitty times and breast fed her all the way. She told me to not let anyone make me feel like I should continue bf, especially if you aren't enjoying it or are angry etc. She said sometimes there is just to much push from people but if your not happy then it's not worth it. Talking to her about that really made me feel better, probably because she understood what I was feeling and it was nice to know that someone else had gone through this. I'm sure there are a lot of people that have though but you don't always get to talk to them or talk to people with similar situations as you. It's nice to know that she was able to continue to breast feed her second child regardless of the rough times. She told me if you can get through the first 3-4 months it's totally worth it.

The nurse also weighed her and she weighed in at 12lbs!! She did have her clothes on but that wouldn't have made to much difference. She still gained at least 11oz since May 6th!! Crazyness! Monkey is getting heavy!

Chris mentioned that I was reading about stuff and then started worrying about kidney problems etc. Well it's true I did. I'm not saying that I thought that is what she had, it just freaked me out that it was a possibility. The nurse looked at me and was like 'aww your totally a first time mom and your going to worry.'. So we were sent around the corner so they could print up all the paper work and then we were set back around the corner (following blue dots) to the main nurse station thing on that floor. Then after a few minutes waiting we got our own little cubicle (number 8!). The nurse came in and we retold what our issue was. Then it was a little bit of a wait for the ER doctor.

Finally he came in and checked her over, listening to her heart, looking into her ears and mouth, checking her liver and kidneys. I guess all the basic stuff. He asked me a few more questions and then said from what he is seeing is that her liver is the right size for her age, her kidneys seemed fine since he was pressing on her tummy fairly hard and she was content with looking at me and smiling. So no worries there. He said that they would get a sample of her urine to check for a uti since that was really the only other thing that could be the problem. They would just get me to feed her and they would test a urine sample. If my breast feeding her didn't make her pass urine then they would give me a sample of formula for me to give her. The nurse came back and put an this weird bag like thing that basically stuck to her so that when she peed it would collect in the bag and not go into her diaper. I fed her as best I could in the cradle hold, which was awkward since I'm used to having my pillow and feeding her in the cross cradle hold. But it worked out okay. It was good that Chris was there so he could take her after I finished either side since it was awkward to try and pick her up since her head is still wobbly.

After I was done we just laid her back on the bed where she kicked and punched away and was merry and all smiles. The nurse came back and checked her and she had gone except I think there was a leak and most hit her diaper but there was enough in the bag for them to test it. It didn't even phase monkey when she pulled it off. I thought she would cry but she didn't. So after she went to get that tested we changed her bum since I noticed that her diaper looked full. Well holy crap was it ever full! It was so full it was like Stewie in that episode of family guy where Peter just didn't change him for like a week and Stewie had a hard time walking because his diaper was so full it was dragging on the ground behind him. That was how full it was!

We had to change her jammies since she got them wet from her humongous diaper, and even had a poop and another pee. She totally made up for not peeing for 12 hours! Gawd! While we were making sure she was done dirting her diaper the doctor came back in. He said that everything was fine. The results showed that her urine was fine, it was clear, and they also checked for something that would show up in her urine if my diet was shitty. He said basically you can't really predict when they are going to go and as long as she isn't showing signs of fever, jaundice, dehydration, lethargy etc then she would be fine. He said he wasn't worried at all and considering she weighed in at 12lbs he wasn't concerned and that she must be getting enough breast milk regardless of my troubles or worries. He said if she was still crying after feeding her we could always give her some formula. He did say that I should bring her to see her doctor soon and just get him to recheck her but he wasn't concerned at all.

This made me feel so much better. I was so freaking worried. Of course the last few days I have been so stressed about breast feeding that she probably sensed it and wasn't getting enough at her feedings. Also on top of that her pee's were a concern so that didn't help my situation any at all. I cannot tell you how relieved I am.

When we got home, after being at the hospital for about 3.5 hours (Not that long really at all) I called Mom back. I had called her before we went to ask her what my troubles were when I was younger. I had some issues with my kidneys but it was just that they didn't develop as fast as they should have so I was only ever peeing small amounts at a time. I wanted to know that in case I needed to mention that when we went. So I called her back to let her know what was going on so she wouldn't worry. She mentioned to me that soon after I called my Aunt Rose had called her about something so she asked her if she every had that trouble with any of her kids. My Aunt is the only person besides my sister-in-law that Mom knew that breast fed. My aunt said that all three of her girls did the same thing to her and that she always freaked out about it. That made me feel even better.

I am so relieved!! So relieved that I might be able to tough out the whole breast feeding thing after all. I was just always constantly worried about how much she was getting and then when she went for long stretched of not peeing it used to worry me and make me feel like crap. She always made up for it through the day though, it's not like she stopped completely. Just her pees always vary from small to medium to large. Seriously! I'm glad we went though. I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders! I know can enjoy the rest of the weekend without this nagging worry in the back of my mind. I am at ease now :) We will talk to the doctor about it on Friday since she has to get her first shots then. I'm also going to ask him on advice on how to transition from breast feeding to formula just so I know. For now though I feel a HUGE relief! Phew!
12:22 pm

Last night I basically came to the conclusion that I did not want to continue breastfeeding. It's not worth it to me to be this stressed, depressed etc. I want to do what's best for monkey but at the same time I just can't take it anymore. Chris asked if I could at least try to tough it out until three month mark when it's supposed to get so much better. Last night I didn't think I was going to be able to. Today I'm not so sure. She isn't screaming like she was yesterday. Last night we had a hard time getting her to wake up so I could feed her around 11. The last time she ate was 8 and there was no way I was going to go to sleep to have her wake up hungry an hour later. I just couldn't do that but I would have to since she would have to eat. It would not be fun for either of us if that was to happen. She finally woke up enough to eat around 12 something and I was able to half way decently feed her then. Monkey slept until 6 this morning which was nice and had a really good feeding at that time. The one at 9am was also pretty good so it made me feel that maybe things were getting better due to taking the herbs again. The next feeding at 11 was more of the same crap. She didn't want to eat after the initial let down and fell asleep. UGH so I don't know what I'm going to do at all. I hate this breast feeding crap. Okkkay she is crying now ... UGH!

12:41 pm

I have no idea what that crying spell was about. I think she needs a nap and is being stubborn about it. The more and more I think about it, the more I really just want to switch to bottle feeding. I just can't handle the worry anymore about getting enough. That was fine when her diapers were normal but she has realllly small pee's sometimes and at least three times has gone without a pee for about 6 hours. Not good at all. I really don't want to worry about this anymore. The problem is actually switching though. We will see if that ever happens. I feel really defeated. But I have no more patience for bf. Having said that and even the shitty experiences this time around I would for sure try and breast feed any other children me and Chris may have and for as long as possible. I came to that conclusion yesterday and I feel good about it. Breast feeding for as long as you can is better then no breast feeding at all.

I know she is a baby and will have cranky times but when I am already worried about her not eating enough, it just doesn't help. If I knew how much she was getting and she was cranky then I could deal with it better because I would know it's not because she was starving or whatever. I'm surprised she is not screaming now. I went and got her when she was crying a bit ago and held her for a bit and she sort of fell asleep but then woke up and started crying again. I knew she was tired since she was rubbing her eyes when I set her on the couch. So I took a blanket, swaddled her in it and put her in the play pen with her soother. So now she is content and fell asleep. I just wonder how long this nap will last. :(

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

at the end of my rope...

1:41 pm

I think I'm ready to give up on breast feeding. This is the hardest decision I have ever had to make. Today it's just constant crying. I assume it's hunger since it seems to be nothing else. I probably won't make the switch without going to see Heidi once more. Maybe she can give advice on switching to formula. I just want to enjoy my baby and my time through the day with her. I don't want to have to  worry and have to use so much energy to coax her into eating. I gave her 8 weeks of good mothers milk and it's better then nothing I guess. I just can't take the problem after problem. Not to mention that I am worried about her pees again. She had a couple really good soaking ones but the last one was on the small size. I just feel so defeated and I just want to sit down and cry. I hope she takes a nap now but I am afraid that maybe if she does she will wake up screaming again because she realizes she is starving. Hopefully the herbs will start to help by tomorrow so all of this will get better and I won't have to switch. I seriously hate this and wish Chris was home. He won't be here for another few hours though. UGH!

She seemed happy this morning so I don't get it :( The compression trick isn't working either. We were watching the breastfeeding videos on Jack Newman's website. Compressions don't work with her. I have a feeling it has something to do with the latch. Her latches are to shallow and no matter what do to get her to latch correctly it just doesn't work. I'm still working on them though, it's just hard to tell now if she has a good one or not half the time. I just want to be happy and not have to worry about how much she is getting.

grr :(


I checked Monkey's temp to make sure she didn't have a fever, which she doesn't, and I didn't think she did but I didn't know what else to do. I can't tell if she is crying when she is peeing though. I don't think so but I am worried about that. Mostly because of the really small pees she has everyday. I meant to ask the doctor about that last time! Ugh and I forgot. Our next appointment is next Friday when she has to get her first needles. She is sleeping right now so I don't know if the crying was due to hunger or needing to take a nap? Or both? I finally had to stick the soother in her mouth and she passed out pretty quickly so maybe that was it.

Every time she cried and I tried to feed her she would get a let down then fall asleep. So who knows. ooo I hear movement from the play pen :( I am so afraid that when she wakes us she will just wail again. That will break my heart if she does that since she must be starving! I don't know what to do anymore.

I have a feeling that I would just be way happier if I formula fed her. I know I said before about hating that we bought so much breastfeeding stuff (ie the pump, pillows, reusable breast pads) but I guess I can use all that when we have another baby. Despite all of this trouble I would try again with the second baby.

oh crap she is going to start crying :( err or not? She made a few cry like sounds. I should go see what she is up to I guess. Oh shit nope going to cry...

2:50 pm

So I had went to get her then tried to burp her and she did have a small gas bubble, then went to change her diaper since she smelled like she peed and she did. It is 1oz of liquid since the dry diaper weighs .8 oz and this wet diaper weighed 1.8oz. (yeah I have a scale lol that I use for weighing my jewelry when trying to figure out shipping prices) I consider it small though and not very heavy. So I am still worried but at least it's a pee.

I had put her on the ground on the floor thing and she seemed okay but now she is crying again. DAMN I thought I had figure it out gawd

3:40 pm

OMG she had a better feed because I ended up trying to feed her since everything else I tried didn't work. It was better then any other today so that is a relief. She seems content now. Not automatically crying after being "done" five minutes. Although I did put her soother in her mouth and she is sitting in the swing without it on. I thought she might need a nap since she was yawning before I did so. I just hope she doesn't start crying because right now I feel relief and not so depressed and ready to give up like I was before. We will see how long this calm will last though.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


3:25 pm

Wow monkey was in a screaming fit about 30 mins ago. I had no idea why. I changed her diaper which had a small pee in it and I put a pair of jammies on her since she was just in a onsie (although I did have a blanket over her) thinking maybe she was to cold. That wasn't it. I didn't think it was because she was hungry since I last fed her about an 1 - 1.5 hours before that. Since I really didn't know what else it could be I tried to feed her anyway.She latched on and got a few let downs then feel asleep. Once I delatched her I put her in her swing which is were she is right now. So I don't know if she was tired or what. But holy crap I hate hearing her cry like that. It doesn't happen to often though but geez. Makes me feel like I didn't feed her long enough the time before or that I don't have enough milk for her. I know that that is common fear among first time moms but still!! No one wants to hear there child scream like that. At least she is asleep now. Although I still doubt that she ate enough. I hope she doesn't wake up screaming again because she realizes she is hungry still. Guess I will find out. The weird thing is she was happy before she started freaking out! She was all smiles and looking around. Yesh!


omg she is finally not screaming. I thought she was okay earlier but she woke up and just started again. So after trying to feed her again a few times, checking her diaper and putting pj's on her instead of her onsie and back into her swing I think she is okay. She was all smiles when I was changing her so I think she just is tired or something. Thank god for the swing. She didn't want me to hold her that's for sure, which makes me sad. It's nice to cuddle with her. So the swing is working instead. I'm glad Chris is almost home. I need even five minutes to myself where I don't have to run to her if she starts crying or whatever. Well unless she is hungry, LOL Chris can't do anything about that!

Monday, May 9, 2011


Mom and Aunt E came up today. Mom brought me a big box of clothes that one of my Aunt's relatives was getting rid of. I can't remember who from exactly but since she wasn't going to have any more kids she was just going to sell this stuff at a yard sale, when my aunt said I'll see if Krissy would want/need it. So she had contacted mom who said of course! All the stuff in there is so cute and in really good shape. So ugh! another bunch of clothes to go through,wash,organize and put away. Still trying to do that with all the other clothes that we have gotten from before :) It's okay though all the cute girly stuff we got is cute to look at. I really can't wait till it's warmer out and we can start putting her in cute little dresses. The box amongst other stuff, has the cutest little bikini for her and another little cute bathing suit! Also tons of cute little shoes! :)

Aunt E also got some cute stuff for monkey. A really nice bear with photo frame and some cute little dresses (and socks! we had no socks). Mom bought me some new lamp shades for the lamps in the front room, for me for my birthday. We really needed them badly since the two we had were pretty stained and horrible looking! So it's nice that there are brand new ones :) They look pretty good and fit perfect to! Mom also got monkey another outfit and some socks. She said she couldn't resist when she saw it. It was pink of course, a little pant and t-shirt set that had ballerina stuff on it. So cute. I think Monkey will definitely have to go into ballet/dance along with other sports when she is old enough. I can give her my old ballet and pointe shoes when she does.

It was a nice visit :) Nice to have company through the week because I go crazy sometimes being here all day long by myself. I did have to leave them for about a half hour at one point to feed her but I knew they understood. It was great to see them and to be able to show Aunt E the new house.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Happy Birthday to me and First Mother's Day!

It was my birthday today and my first Mother's day. Nice that they fell on the same day. Chris made me eggs and bacon for breakfast and got me some really good black licorice, some sun block  (for when we go for walks with the baby) some new face cleanser and a chapters gift card. Tam got me one too so I have 50 bucks worth of new books coming my way! I just have to figure out what I want to get! I know I am for sure getting the fourth book in George RR Martin's series since I'm pretty sure I don't have that one yet. As to what I will use the rest for I have no idea yet. It will be fun to figure it out!

The card he got me was cute and it was from Monkey. He had her help him sign her name and even traced her hand (sorta on the other side) soo cute :) Best mothers day present ever! The card has spongebob squarepants on it and it says "Mom you've drenched me in love, handed me spare clams when I've needed them, and always, ALWAYS...given me clean underpants!" lol. Breakfast was awesomely good as well. The bacon was sooo good. I can't remember the last time I had bacon and eggs. Very filling though. I didn't have to eat anything until supper time!

Chris parents came up to visit us in the afternoon, as well as Tammy, Steve, Jon and Steph and Shawn. It was nice to see everyone and I know everyone was happy to see the baby :) I unfortunately woke up that morning with a really bad blocked duct on the right side. It hurt sooo freaking bad, it sort of put a damper on my day that's for sure but I did my best to ignore it. I was also dealing with a blocked duct on the left but it was almost gone so it wasn't hurting anymore. Sometime after everyone left the left one seemed to dissappear thank god and the right one had gotten better. I was applying warm face rags to it and massaging it and trying to get her to empty that side out really well. It was definately feeling better by the time I went to bed. Seriously all these blocked ducts are really starting to suck!

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Today we woke up with Monkey's nose wheezing and making weird stuffy noises when she was breathing. It was sort of stressful for me to hear that since she was having trouble breathing. If she has trouble breathing she would have trouble eating as well. Most of the day though after we got up it wasn't to bad but near 8 or 9pm it got bad again. We could see that she had a really big booger at the back of one of her nostrils. So Chris went down to shoppers and picked up some nasa mist stuff that the pharmacist recommended. There was no way I could spray it up her nose so Chris had me hold her and he did it. He put a receiving blanket down over her and then sprayed a little in her nose. I thought she would scream but surprisingly she didn't. I don't think she knew what to think. Chris said he could see the booger out near the edge of her nostril so he was reaching for a tissue so he could wipe it out. Well just before he was able to she sneezed and it went flying out down onto the blanket. We got laughing so hard since it happened so quickly. It did the trick though since she was breathing way better after that and didn't cry at all. Nice thing to have on hand though in case it happens again. :)

Friday, May 6, 2011

The lactation meeting went alright. It turns out I have a plugged duct AGAIN but this time it's way deep so that is why when I feel for it I can't find it but when I move around it hurts. Yeah that doesn't make sense to me either. Heidi told me just do the normal stuff you would do for any other plugged duct. She also suggested that when I feed on the left side to try the football hold instead of the cross cradle. That might also help it along. I'll have to pump on the left after a few feedings to. Geez I just hope it unplugs!! I don't want to get an infection. So tired of this crap!

She weighed monkey at the start and she has gained 5oz since Monday so she is 11lbs 5oz. So she is still getting enough. She said she just is a sloooow eater. It still takes her 45 mins to get it all. She said that as she gets older she will get more efficient and as she is more aware of her surroundings it will come to the point where she will let us know when she is done eating. She said soon she will be out of the cuddly eating stage and will want to eat then move on so she should get faster at it. I hope. She should also start to sleep for at least 5-6 hours a night in a stretch soon. Right now I think the most she goes is 4 hours which isn't to much but it's better then nothing. It can only get better from here.

At the moment baby and Chris are sleeping on the couch. She also said that from what I was describing a few days after taking the herbs that it must have helped with my milk production. She said that I could cut out fenugreek and just take the blessed thistle. Do that for a few days and see if there is any difference and if not then I can cut out the blessed thistle. She said though if you notice a difference after cutting the one out I could just start taking it again. At any time I could start taking the two again to help with the milk supply if I needed to. I'm glad that she gained 5oz though. She is still on her curve in the weight chart so that is good.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

9:50 am

awww monkey is sitting in her swing by the computers sleeping. I went to get a pop from the fridge and was watching her when I tried to open it quietly. That didn't work out but she like started and threw her hands in the air when the pop made a fizzing noise and then again when I actually pushed the tab in. I shouldn't laugh but it was so cute. :) I wouldn't have thought that noise would make her jump like that though, considering I opened it as quiet as I could.

10:15 am

So I think I might have another plugged duct AGAIN! I had one earlier this week to and finally got rid of it the other day and now today it sort of hurts again. GAWD. This is annoying. I have to ask Heidi tomorrow if maybe this has something to do with the two herbs I'm taking? I have already decided once the pills are gone that is all I will take. I think in the two bottles there is enough for 9 -10 days and I have already been taking them for 3. Well unless of course she thinks the plugged ducts have something to do with that. Well I know it's not the whole cause since it's more then likely monkey isn't draining either side completely each time she eats.

ohh geez she is starting to get cranky. Almost time to eat I guess.

12:07 pm

Surprisingly she didn't want to eat before. She feel back asleep and I had to finally wake her up at 11:15ish to eat. I don't know if she was necessarily hungry hungry but it had been three hours since she last ate and really I NEEDED her to eat. The only thing that worries me is that she hasn't peed since 8:30 this morning. I'm trying not to freak out considering it's only been three hours and I'm sure anytime now she will go. It's just odd since she always seems to have a pee or poop by the next feeding time. Only a problem if it's more then 6 hours and with the milk she just ate I'm sure it will be anytime soon. I hope anyways!


She finally did have a wet cloth diaper and the monkey went again before I could get the next one under her! At least the change pad is washable and it's on a change pad cushion that is water proof! It's odd that today she is like napping most of the time where as the last two days she was awake a lot. Although it's really freaking warm in here so maybe that is why. I think we might have to invest in AC unit if the great room gets as hot as it did in the winter time is any indication of how it will be in the summer! YIKES!

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

the herbs...

This is how big the pills are that I have to take THREE times a day. I'm only going to take them until there gone though. They will last about 10 days I think and I've been taking them since Monday. I really don't want to have to keep buying them. They weren't super expensive but for $8 and $12 bucks every 10ish days yeah ! No thanks..

1:10 pm

So I feel more accomplished today. I have started clearing off the kitchen counter which no matter what you do always seems to accumulate tons of crap! I've also started some of the babies laundry that needs to be done. I actually am more and more starting to feel like my old self and am not afraid to walk around or do things like I used to before the doc appointment last friday. Well I was feeling better and knew I was better before that but I was still scared since all the stitching I had. Even though really I knew that they had to have been healed by now, but to have him confirm that made me feel a lot better. So now I need to catch up on things that I have let go slack since the baby was born. Chris has been awesome with doing some of the major stuff but he can't do everything.

It's so gloomy out today which is depressing but what can you do. Ugh Monkey is crying now. Figures I just sat down at my computer to type. She needs to take a nap big time since she has been awake since we got up. Actually I guess she is more talking then crying. I have her in her swing at the moment. She still isn't eating the greatest and seems to have a problem with my right breast for some reason now. Which is strange considering that was the one that she did well on up until last Friday. I don't know maybe it's all in my head. I started taking the two herbs fenugreek and blessed thistle that Heidi recommended to see if that would help with my milk supply. You have to take 3 of each 3 times a day! That's a lot of pills to swallow geez. I guess if it is going to work I will notice a difference in threeish days. Also my sweat/skin will start to smell like maple syrup. Weird! I don't think it's something anyone else would notice but still LOL.'

okay monkey will not stop crying off I go to play the game 'why is monkey crying ' again.. :(

1:40 pm

So she was crying due to a wet cloth diaper. I thought she wanted to eat again even though she probably shouldn't be hungry for another hour or so. Now she is back in her swing babbling away. Or cooing I guess. It's so cute :) I can't wait until she starts to giggle!

So I just made another appointment with Heidi for Friday since she wanted us to come back again anyways. I think this time she will offer advice about supplementing a feeding at night so baby will sleep for her 5-6 hours so we can get some sleep. Although I have no idea how that will effect my boobs. I don't mind to much getting up if it's once at night and she ate better and then went back to sleep easily, but NOPE she doesn't like to do that. That would be to easy :(

Last night for example. I last fed her from 12-12:40 and then she went to sleep fairly quickly even though it was probably after 1am that we finally got to go to sleep. She actually slept for 4 hours so she was up around 5 am hungry. So I fed her but after that she was freaking WIDE awake! I honestly think it was fluke that she finally went back to sleep and I got to sleep again until 8 something. I barely remember Chris leaving for work though. After we got up the next time I fed her and then we basically got up for the day. She hasn't slept since we got up so I think she is due for a nap soon geez! That will probably happen after I fed her again since she falls into a dead sleep almost always. It just depends on how tired she is if she stays asleep or not. She is crying agian for some reason..? ugh...

Monday, May 2, 2011

8:23 am

Stupid power was off again this morning when we woke up. Chris called around 8 am to say that he tried calling the outage line and it was busy so he looked online at the newspaper website and it said that power was down through out the city (well certain parts) from about 5:30 in the morning and they expect it to be back on by 8:30.

It just came on about 10 mins ago! Woot! Soooo much better being able to watch tv or go online. Haha even though I probably will just read for a bit! lol. Oh well I am glad it's back on mostly for the heat since it's sort of cold in here and I worry that monkey will be too cold. She is snuggled in a few blankets in her swing sleeping peacefully at the moment :) She was really fussy this morning at her feeding at 7am. She might have had only two let downs and then was being all pulling away and punching me etc. So I just put her back in her cradle. We got up a few mins after that though anyways and she seemed content so I guess she got enough? Baby is so confusing! I wish I knew how much she got from each let down geeez. I guess if she was hungry still she would let me know! and now she is asleep!?

Her poop also this morning looked almost the yellow brown colour again and I don't think is smelled as nasty so that is a plus. I really can't stomach that smell. Although it was hard to tell since we didn't have any power so it could have just been the darkness making it look not so green. Regardless it will be nice to know why there is mucas in her stool when we go ask the doctor. I really don't want to have to leave the house but at the same time it might be nice to get out of the house. I need to plan a library trip sometime this week. Especially considering I am almost done the last book that is out currently of Sookie Stackhouse series. So many books I want to read and not enough time to read them!


I am so glad that we have a doctors appointment today. I fed her or tried to feed her at 7 am today and she didn't eat the greatest. I think maybe a let down on each side then she was just not having any of it so I gave up. I got up for the day and brought her out to her playpen while I brought everything else we need for the day out. She was wide awake and happy while Chris was eating his breakfast and talking to her. So I was like hmm must have gotten enough then since she is not cranky? Since it was cold out and we had no power I put her had on swaddled her in a blanket put her in her swing and put another one on top of her. Her little hands were cold so I didn't want her to be cold. Three hours passed and she started to semi wake up and so I changed her bum which had a little pee in it and then tried to feed her. Well she was having none of it. She didn't have a good latch no matter how many times I tried and she would do her usually and wiggle her head till she is completely right on the nipple. Such a bad habit! Then she just wouldn't have a good suction at all, it's really weak. She might have had at least a let down on each side but most often then not she would take a few swallows then stop eating! So frustrating! I kept putting her back and forth between the sides. A few times she got into the pulling her head away and wacking me with her arms. Then she would fall asleep. I gave up after an hour but she once again didn't seem like she was hungry! Yet when I went to feed her the next time, I noticed my breasts were starting to get engorged so umm yeah! That was a warning bell to me and made me worry a lot again. Seriously I don't get it. I did a few things then sat in the rocker and tried again and it was mostly more of the same. The last time we were with Heidi she asked me if I had noticed her suction getting stronger, because I guess it's supposed as well as her getting more efficient with getting the milk out. So what the hell, she has gone in the complete opposite directon. I seriously don't see why I am continuing this. Bottle feeding seems so much easier. But now even that makes me weary since twice in the past few days the power has been out. How can I feed her formula if I can't prepare it because we have no electricity!! Like I said I might have given up before now but because of the benefits to baby and all the crap we spent on breastfeeding things I don't want to switch over! I'm totally being stubborn and I don't want to give up but maybe I just can't do it? I can't take the freaking stress anymore :( I guess I will see what the doctor says today about this and her poop problem. I'm sure he will probably tell me to go to a lactationist though. I don't know if I should see if Heidi has a spot open this wed right now or after the doc appointment. I can't even really talk to Chris about it until he come to get me. I don't really want to call him and talk to him since he probably will be leaving soon anyways. UGH!!

8:40 pm

So the doctors appointment went alright. He was not concerned about the green mucus poop at all. He said that it could be a few different things and he said it all depends on how fast it goes through her system. So that is good. It could be an infection, or just one of those things. Since there isn't any other symptoms he basically said it was nothing to worry about. She seems fine otherwise. The poop today doesn't seem as bad as it had been so that is semi good. Still realllly gross to change her though. Especially when it's all over her and not just on the diaper! ewww.

She was weighed before we actually saw the doctor and she was bang on 11lbs! The little monkey! I seriously don't see how she continues to gain so much weight considering all the troubles I have with feeding her :( But I guess I am doing something right if she keeps going up. The last few feeds have been better. She actually was eating so that is an improvement. Although she has eaten every hour for at least 30mins each time. I don't know if this is her growth spurt or not. As long as it doesn't happen when I want to go to bed I don't care! The last feeding she did really good and actually went on both sides getting a few let downs on each side. She actually didn't fall dead asleep after being on one side for 10ish mins like the two times previously either. I'm relieved that she did better the last few times though. I still really hate this breastfeeding crap though. Right now she is in her swing sleeping which is way better then her crying.

Sunday, May 1, 2011


Last night I had a friggen blocked duct again. This time in the right side. I noticed it early in the day but it wasn't that big nor did it hurt. Well at night it got bigger and it was so friggen sore! Seriously that was the last thing I wanted to deal with after having frustrating feeding sessions the last day or so. By this time I was so fed up with breast feeding AGAIN. Seems like a freaking trend to me. I was so miserable yesterday and pretty darn depressed about it. I seriously did not know what to do. I just wanted to be bottle feeding so bad but at the same time I did not want to give up on breast feeding. I just knew that I was getting to a point where it might be best for me to switch. Although at the same time I know nothing about bottle feeding, what type of formula to get, how much to give her and how often. Also all the breastfeeding crap that we bought would be a total waste of money if I didn't continue. I just felt so helpless and depressed. I didn't want to be any where near monkey, as horrible as that sounds because it just depressed me even more. Then to have to deal with this plugged duct and being afraid to put her on that side because of all the pulling off she has been doing. My breast was already sore and then this happens.

I did do a lot of the hot compresses with a wash cloth and massaging the area and getting her to feed off of that side first each time, to try and help it unplug itself. I even pumped on that side after a feeding as well. I noticed after a bit that it seemed to have decreased in size and as weird as it sounds it felt more lumpy. I took that as a good sign.

Thankfully the duct was feeling loads better during the last feeding of the night and by the middle of the night it was completely gone. A HUGE sigh of relief for me. If it doesn't go away you have to potential to get a breast infection. That wouldn't be fun nor would it be fun to figure out where to get it checked out. I would probably have to go all the way home to my doctor there and thinking about driving with monkey in the car seat in the back, well I just don't know how that would work. What happens if the sun is in her eyes, what do I do if she starts to cry? Kind of hard to do anything if I am driving! UGH!

So the last few feedings of the day yesterday started to get better even though they were still stressful and frustrating. She was no longer like whacking me with her little paws or trying to push away but eat at the same time. I was still pretty frustrated though since it was better but not the best. I swear I was completely ready to give up again thinking all this stress, frustration and worry was just not worth it. I think if it wasn't for our pump that we bought (it was about $200) I probably would have stopped a long time ago. I really don't want that to be a waste of money and all the other breast feeding stuff we had purchased, bra's, reusable breast pads, pillow etc. It adds up after awhile. I was thinking in my head that I would give it a few more days or at least until after my next appointment with Heidi, which I have to make for sometime this week.

Thankfully though the feeding before we went to bed, the one in the middle of the night and all of the ones from this morning till now have been better. She still falls asleep and most of the time I can't wake her up to eat more but it's way better then what was going on yesterday. She still gets 2-4 let downs so she is getting something. Her diapers haven't changed at all, she is still peeing a lot. So all good signs. Her poop though has changed again, it's still green and still slimy/stringy but seemed a bit more watery today. Chris also thinks it's more seedy as well although I don't really agree, unless the little milk curdle bits are what you call seedy. At least it's a bit better then what it was like a few days ago. I still can't stomach the smell though. It's so gross! I want it to go back to the normal yellow/brown that it was before. That didn't smell half as bad. She seems happy and content otherwise so it really can't be too serious?

I hate this constant worry though! I know I will never stop worrying but geez! She's still seems to be eating every 2 -2.5 hours though. She does have longer stretches. I thought she was supposed to get more efficient with getting enough milk out so it takes less time but also start to go a bit longer between feedings, or at least go 3 hours between feedings. Instead she seems to be going the other way. I'm still going to feed her when she is hungry though. I am still awaiting her growth spurt, unless her cranky fussiness was it although that really doesn't make to much sense. Yesterday when I was looking up her behaviour it basically could be anything so not to helpful. One website said it could just be one of those things, another said it's due to a growth spurt, another said your let down might be to fast for her, another said it could be she has thrush and it hurt's her mouth. Seriously researching on the Internet is evil sometimes. So what is a person supposed to think. I guess that is what doctors are for! It's the same with figuring out the green poop colour. Could be normal but could be a million other things.

Hopefully that isn't due to a milk allergy or something. Since trying not to eat anything made from milk products would be one royal pain in the ass. I guess to to find out of that is the cause you have to not eat any products like that for more then 3 weeks because that is how long it takes for it to completely be out of your system. Then as one website suggested you can try to eat a bit of hard cheese after the three weeks to see if the poop goes back to the way it was then you know that is what it is. There are other types of food that could be making it go green similar to the milk thing but who knows. Hopefully it is nothing serious or hard to fix/change.
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