Tuesday, December 18, 2012

so down lately..

I feel weird right now. I don't even know how to describe it. Chlobug is in her swing sleeping with her soother and Monkey is in her crib napping. It's getting dark in here already which makes me not want to do anything. Actually right now I would just love to crawl into a dark hole and disappear but I can't because have to take care of the kids - or even really laying down under the covers and listening to music and letting my mind fly away. The last few days I have been taking a long hot shower to have a little time to myself after Chris gets home. I really just feel hopeless and lost and I am sick of worrying about if Chlobug is going to be okay. She ate really shitty a few days ago and then was breathing really weird all day long and part of the night. She randomly has been making these weird noises as well. I don't even know how to describe it, it's like she is going to choke on her spit but stops breathing and then a few moments later she is fine. I don't know whether I should be concerned and take her to the doctor or what. I really hate that her next appointment is Feb 7th. That is over 6 weeks away! I thought babies were checked over more often especially if they are breast fed.?She has been pooping enough and peeing decently but the last few days again she has been having trouble latching. I don't know why? She also is spitting up a lot to which after the air comes out and the spit up she just wants to eat again. I am getting tired of feeling like a milk cow or something. She is eating 12 times a day. I hope it gets better because I don't know how long I can go on like this. I am so afraid of dealing with the constant plugged ducts again.

I really wish that Chris was home right now though. I need to take a break from everything. A nice hot shower sounds wonderful to me right now. I hate winter and it's dark at 4:30. Chris always seems to get home really late as well. I'm so behind in everything and I really just wish all this weight from both pregnancies was gone. The worst is I really can't even work out yet since I am only two weeks post partum.

Also Chlobugs belly button thing fell off on the 8th and since then there is always dried blood in her belly button. I hope it's normal but it gets on the inside of her jammies or on my clothes when I am feeding her. We gave her her first bath in the actual bath tub on the weekend and we wiped the blood out but there were more crusties there again soon after. She doesn't like the bath at all. She screamed her head off every time so far. UGH I don't think I can handle this much longer. I think everything would be better if I was just formula feeding her. A lot of the stress would be off me and Chris would be able to help with the overnight feedings. But I have this mommies guilt since I stuck it out with Monkey for almost 7 months. I also don't want to regret stopping either. This time around it's not so bad it just sucks feeding her after dark and at night. Although she for the most part sleeps for at least 4 hours overnight. Still though I hate getting up in the middle of the night and being cold to feed her. She obviously is getting enough though since she is peeing enough and these are nice heavy diapers so I don't know what to think. I hope it gets better soon though. I hate to think that maybeIi am suffering a bit from post partum depression!
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