Thursday, May 12, 2011

12:22 pm

Last night I basically came to the conclusion that I did not want to continue breastfeeding. It's not worth it to me to be this stressed, depressed etc. I want to do what's best for monkey but at the same time I just can't take it anymore. Chris asked if I could at least try to tough it out until three month mark when it's supposed to get so much better. Last night I didn't think I was going to be able to. Today I'm not so sure. She isn't screaming like she was yesterday. Last night we had a hard time getting her to wake up so I could feed her around 11. The last time she ate was 8 and there was no way I was going to go to sleep to have her wake up hungry an hour later. I just couldn't do that but I would have to since she would have to eat. It would not be fun for either of us if that was to happen. She finally woke up enough to eat around 12 something and I was able to half way decently feed her then. Monkey slept until 6 this morning which was nice and had a really good feeding at that time. The one at 9am was also pretty good so it made me feel that maybe things were getting better due to taking the herbs again. The next feeding at 11 was more of the same crap. She didn't want to eat after the initial let down and fell asleep. UGH so I don't know what I'm going to do at all. I hate this breast feeding crap. Okkkay she is crying now ... UGH!

12:41 pm

I have no idea what that crying spell was about. I think she needs a nap and is being stubborn about it. The more and more I think about it, the more I really just want to switch to bottle feeding. I just can't handle the worry anymore about getting enough. That was fine when her diapers were normal but she has realllly small pee's sometimes and at least three times has gone without a pee for about 6 hours. Not good at all. I really don't want to worry about this anymore. The problem is actually switching though. We will see if that ever happens. I feel really defeated. But I have no more patience for bf. Having said that and even the shitty experiences this time around I would for sure try and breast feed any other children me and Chris may have and for as long as possible. I came to that conclusion yesterday and I feel good about it. Breast feeding for as long as you can is better then no breast feeding at all.

I know she is a baby and will have cranky times but when I am already worried about her not eating enough, it just doesn't help. If I knew how much she was getting and she was cranky then I could deal with it better because I would know it's not because she was starving or whatever. I'm surprised she is not screaming now. I went and got her when she was crying a bit ago and held her for a bit and she sort of fell asleep but then woke up and started crying again. I knew she was tired since she was rubbing her eyes when I set her on the couch. So I took a blanket, swaddled her in it and put her in the play pen with her soother. So now she is content and fell asleep. I just wonder how long this nap will last. :(


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