Wednesday, January 23, 2013

no time to write anymore it seems...

I never seem to feel like or have time to sit down and journal anymore and it sucks. Things have been going okay I guess. It still is an adjustment with trying to juggle two kids especially when Chlobug wants to nurse or be held all the time. Mornings can be the worst since if Chlobug wants to eat and then monkey wakes at the same time I either have to listen to the baby scream while I hurry and get monkey dressed and fed or make monkey wait in the crib ( or out in the front room) until I feed Chlobug. I feel bad about making her wait but most times she really doesn't seem to mind hanging out in her crib. She usually has a few toys in there with her anyways. I don't know what will happen when she is out of the crib. I'm not sure when that will happen but probably soon except now I think we might get her a twin mattress since the mattress in the basement is to big to have in there with the crib. I think we should just get her a toddler bed but I'm not sure how Chris feels about that? We had talked about it before but who knows,  I have no idea what we are going to do. It's really hard right now to go out and look at anything together since it's cold out and I'm nursing plus it's more of a pain to try and juggle the two of them. I guess we could always just get someone to watch them but still. Bah we just have to sit down and figure it out.

I joined Weight Watchers online a few weeks ago.  I seem to have a lot of points but then I get extra because I am full time nursing. I have so far lost 2 pounds and I am on track to have lost at least another pound on my Friday weight in. I'm glad that I joined when I did because when I was trying to lose a week or so prior to that I kept screwing up. There are a lot of resources online that I like and I like it better then going into the stupid meetings which I found to be boring for the most part. Online is also cheaper then going to weekly meetings. They had a deal where you could join for free so that was even better. I would like to lose more then a pound a week but right now I am happy to have at least be losing!

I'm not sure how long I am going to continue to nurse. It's driving me insane. I finally stopped recording every time I nursed her and all her diapers and that has seemed to help a bit. Right now my one nipple is hurting and she struggles to latch right away sometimes. She twists her head down a lot after latching as well. I find it nice at night though since I try and feed her or dream feed her around 11 before we go to bed. Lately she has been sleeping to at least 4am then I just bring her into our bed and nurse her on one side until I wake up and then we switch sides. I was getting up and trying to nurse her and then putting her back in the cradle but it was sucking. I need my sleep and I get really angry in the middle of the night if I can't. I hate that I am that way and I know that is what babies do (eat constantly) but it really is hard to keep calm when I am so tired all the time. Our bed is sort of small to so even nursing in bed is not fun either. I am always sandwiched between her and Chris basically has to hold onto me so he doesn't fall off his side of the bed lol.  It kills my back and my legs are always aching when I wake up. I'm afraid to switch to bottle feeding though since I really don't know two things about it (ie how much to give her and how often). Nursing her to sleep is my fail safe and basically is how I get her to sleep so if she doesn't go to sleep when being bottle fed then what will I do? I have no idea what to do anymore.

Friday, January 11, 2013

night time feedings suck..

I feel amazingly awake today! Yesterday was another story though. The night before we were able to put Chlobug into her cradle without her waking up to much. She did stir a few times but giving her her pacifier and resting my hand on her chest she fell back into slumber easily. I thought sleeping at night was getting better because the few nights before she was like this. I thought adding the heart beat for white noise was what was helping and moving the night light into the bathroom. But I was wrong , terribly wrong.  The night before last, like I said, she went to bed easily and woke up around 3am to eat. Unfortunately she wouldn't stay asleep nor fall asleep in her cradle even though she only ate on one side and no matter how hard I tried to wake her up a bit so she would latch on the other side, she wouldn't wake up. But of course when I put her down she started crying.  After trying to get her to sleep for 30 minutes I finally had to get up and nurse her again and then the same thing happened. Eventually after almost 2 hours of this Chris got 2 oz of formula and tried again. Nope, she wasn't having any of that. Chris at this point was doing most of the trying because I was just soooo tired and angry that I wasn't going to be much help at all. Finally around 6am I was like just bring her to bed and I will nurse her laying down. So we finally got some sleep again but not really to much. All day I was cranky, tired and had no patience and to make matters worse every time I went to do something and set Chlobug down she would get cranky after 5 mins which just added to my frustration!

So being fed up and exhausted by the night before I just saved us all the hassle and brought her to bed with us when she woke up in the middle of the night and was able to sleep until 8 am. Although holding myself in that position really does a number on my back and my neck especially when I am on my right side for some reason. I really don't know what will happen when and if I decide to wean because I am still really considering that but for now we will see how it goes.

Monday, January 7, 2013

fun times of parenting

I feel really down today for some reason. Last night I fed the munchkin at about 20 to 11 and by 11:20 Chris and I were getting ready for bed. I hate night time now because it's always a struggle to get Chlobug to sleep. All I have to look forward to then is a few hours of sleep, sometimes 4 or 5 if I am lucky, before she gets me up to nurse her again and then it's another fight to get her back to sleep. Last night we decided to put on a cd that is a recorded sound of a real moms heart beat. I don't know if it was that or what but she went into the cradle without to much problem. I was shocked! She did wake me up about 2.5 hours later though which sucked but to my surprise she would only eat off one side. No matter what I did to get her to wake up a little bit or enough to latch on the other side she wouldn't. I finally gave up and decided that if she woke up then I would just have to get back up to feed her on the other side. I was able to set her down with no problems! It was amazing! She woke again around 6am and I just nursed her in bed while laying down. I find I can get a bit more rest that way but it really kills my back when I do it since I keep myself completely rigid so I don't move at all. I guess because I am afraid of squashing her or something. It beats having to drag myself out of bed to nurse her though. Our bed really isn't that big either so there really is no room to move.
Last night was just SO perfect since I got decent amount of sleep. I was also then able to nurse her in the chair at 7:30am and not have her screaming her head off while I try to get monkey up. I was able to dress monkey and fed her oatmeal and eat myself without Chlobug screaming. She then took a 3 hour nap and when she woke up she was content and just looked around for a while. It was so weird!

So my day started out perfect but it didn't stay that way unfortunately.  Not long after I got monkey dressed and was making her oatmeal in the kitchen my perfect day went to shit. I didn't hear monkey come into the kitchen and when I turned from pouring water into the oatmeal to get a spoon I bumped into her. She went flying down on her bum with this shocked look on her face. I was frozen with probably a look of horror on my face because I couldn't do anything to stop it it happened so quick. That wasn't even the worse part. After she landed on her butt she flew backwards and banged her head off the floor. I don't know if it was my face cringing or her shock and her hitting her head but she started screaming! I felt so horrid. I picked her up and consoled her until she calmed down. God I felt so horrible and couldn't stop saying sorry to her. So once she was calm I put her down got the rest of her breakfast ready then put her in her highchair. While I was pushing up the sleeves on her dress I hit the tray which I thought was locked into place. Turns out it wasn't and it went flying to the floor with a bang,  which made her scream again. I think the loud bang scared her so much that of course she started screaming again. So I picked her up again and tried to calm her down again. What a horrible horrible morning. She finally did calm down and ate her breakfast and all was well thankfully. Geeez!!

Ttoday since it was sort of warm in here I decided to put a onesie on her, which I was always to afraid to do with Monkey because her neck was so wobbly. Chlobug seems to have better head control and I am more confident so I put it on her, put her in her swing after I nursed her with a blanket under her and she was fine for a bit. Unfortunately eventually she started screaming so when I went to get her I discovered that she had a really bad poop that soaked the front of her. It was on the burp cloth on top of her and on her new fuzzy blanket. No wonder why she was screaming. when I picked her up she was soaked all the way up her back to. I was like seriously!! The ONE time I put her in a onesie and this is what happens. That is the way my luck rolls I guess. lol. It wasn't even one that snaps in the front it had to go over her head. There was just sooo MUCH poop! and everywhere as I discovered when I opened up her diaper. That wasn't fun trying to get the onesie off of her without getting poop everywhere! I just put her in warm jammies again since it was getting chilling in the great room again. 

What a DAY!!

Friday, January 4, 2013

Can I say 'I hate nursing' again?

It's so hard now to find time to journal which really sucks because I feel like so much has happened and I have forgotten to write it down.

Monkey during the holidays drank from the plastic orange shot glass Chris uses to give her some juice by herself for the first time. There wasn't to much left in it but we were both amazed that she was able to do it herself a bit. Although when he tried it again she ended up spilling a lot on her but it's a start. Shes been a pro at the sippy cup for along time now so it's abut time really but we will take it slow. She also surprised us last night when we were just finishing up supper. Chris had Chlobug in his arms while he was eating since she was crying and he asked me to get some pie for him. He spelled it out though 'can you get me some p-i-e please?', I was like okay but there isn't a lot left. We both did a double take when Monkey started saying iIwant some pie. Smartypants!

It was so nice to have Chris off for 1.5 weeks over Christmas. Near the end I was nursing Chlobug in bed in the morning to get some more rest and then we both slept in a couple of hours. I didn't have to worry about monkey since Chris was getting up with her. So it was nice to get some extra zzz's. I miss that, since I can't do that anymore because once monkey wakes up we all get up. We didn't go home for Christmas though which sucked but I was to nervous about having to drive there with Chlobug still only a few weeks old. Also being around so many people and having two suppers to go to etc was just to much for me. I was getting anxiety just thinking about it. Since I am nursing as well I just couldn't do it. I'm sure the stress would have killed my supply. It's sort of a good thing since it took  Monkey like 4 hours to open her presents. I don't think she yet understands the whole Christmas thing. So with a lot of coxing and help she finally opened all her gifts. Staying home was also good because it seemed like the baby was eating every hour. I think she probably was going through a growth spurt or something.

New years was the same, we just stayed home. I avoided watching anything new years related on TV so I wouldn't get depressed lol. I couldn't even have a drink at home since I am nursing.

Chlobug has been okay. She is nursing well aside from sometimes feeling like she is always hungry. This time around it is going better, since I am not afraid that she isn't getting enough. I am just finding that the constant nursing and holding her, that I have hardly any time for Monkey and it makes me really sad. I am probably going to be weaning Chlobug earlier then I did Monkey. Right now I am trying to get to 6 weeks and then maybe I will start. It is just to frustrating for me especially at night that I can't do anything since she just wants to eat all the time and always when I am trying to do something. It also takes a bit of time as well. I don't know I feel guilty though thinking about it. I would love to get to 3 months though but the night time feedings are hard. I guess I might try just bottle feeding her in the middle of the night instead? It's really hard to get her to go to sleep at night since like monkey, she always wakes up when we set her down in the cradle. Sometimes she does go to sleep but most of the time not and then after an hour or so of trying to get her to sleep I drag myself out of bed to nurse again. Then in the middle of the night it's the same thing she is dead asleep at the end of the nursing session but as soon as she is in that cradle she wakes up and cries forever. I really don't know if it will be any different with formula but at least then it won't take as long. I don't know what to do since I feel guilty thinking about it but seriously I want my body back I want to be able to go somewhere and not have to rush home in less then an hour. I have only went out once since I came home from the hospital and I went to Michael's craft store to get a few things.

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