no time to write anymore it seems...

I never seem to feel like or have time to sit down and journal anymore and it sucks. Things have been going okay I guess. It still is an adjustment with trying to juggle two kids especially when Chlobug wants to nurse or be held all the time. Mornings can be the worst since if Chlobug wants to eat and then monkey wakes at the same time I either have to listen to the baby scream while I hurry and get monkey dressed and fed or make monkey wait in the crib ( or out in the front room) until I feed Chlobug. I feel bad about making her wait but most times she really doesn't seem to mind hanging out in her crib. She usually has a few toys in there with her anyways. I don't know what will happen when she is out of the crib. I'm not sure when that will happen but probably soon except now I think we might get her a twin mattress since the mattress in the basement is to big to have in there with the crib. I think we should just get her a toddler bed but I'm not sure how Chris feels about that? We had talked about it before but who knows,  I have no idea what we are going to do. It's really hard right now to go out and look at anything together since it's cold out and I'm nursing plus it's more of a pain to try and juggle the two of them. I guess we could always just get someone to watch them but still. Bah we just have to sit down and figure it out.

I joined Weight Watchers online a few weeks ago.  I seem to have a lot of points but then I get extra because I am full time nursing. I have so far lost 2 pounds and I am on track to have lost at least another pound on my Friday weight in. I'm glad that I joined when I did because when I was trying to lose a week or so prior to that I kept screwing up. There are a lot of resources online that I like and I like it better then going into the stupid meetings which I found to be boring for the most part. Online is also cheaper then going to weekly meetings. They had a deal where you could join for free so that was even better. I would like to lose more then a pound a week but right now I am happy to have at least be losing!

I'm not sure how long I am going to continue to nurse. It's driving me insane. I finally stopped recording every time I nursed her and all her diapers and that has seemed to help a bit. Right now my one nipple is hurting and she struggles to latch right away sometimes. She twists her head down a lot after latching as well. I find it nice at night though since I try and feed her or dream feed her around 11 before we go to bed. Lately she has been sleeping to at least 4am then I just bring her into our bed and nurse her on one side until I wake up and then we switch sides. I was getting up and trying to nurse her and then putting her back in the cradle but it was sucking. I need my sleep and I get really angry in the middle of the night if I can't. I hate that I am that way and I know that is what babies do (eat constantly) but it really is hard to keep calm when I am so tired all the time. Our bed is sort of small to so even nursing in bed is not fun either. I am always sandwiched between her and Chris basically has to hold onto me so he doesn't fall off his side of the bed lol.  It kills my back and my legs are always aching when I wake up. I'm afraid to switch to bottle feeding though since I really don't know two things about it (ie how much to give her and how often). Nursing her to sleep is my fail safe and basically is how I get her to sleep so if she doesn't go to sleep when being bottle fed then what will I do? I have no idea what to do anymore.

night time feedings suck..

I feel amazingly awake today! Yesterday was another story though. The night before we were able to put Chlobug into her cradle without her waking up to much. She did stir a few times but giving her her pacifier and resting my hand on her chest she fell back into slumber easily. I thought sleeping at night was getting better because the few nights before she was like this. I thought adding the heart beat for white noise was what was helping and moving the night light into the bathroom. But I was wrong , terribly wrong.  The night before last, like I said, she went to bed easily and woke up around 3am to eat. Unfortunately she wouldn't stay asleep nor fall asleep in her cradle even though she only ate on one side and no matter how hard I tried to wake her up a bit so she would latch on the other side, she wouldn't wake up. But of course when I put her down she started crying.  After trying to get her to sleep for 30 minutes I finally had to get up and nurse her again and then the same thing happened. Eventually after almost 2 hours of this Chris got 2 oz of formula and tried again. Nope, she wasn't having any of that. Chris at this point was doing most of the trying because I was just soooo tired and angry that I wasn't going to be much help at all. Finally around 6am I was like just bring her to bed and I will nurse her laying down. So we finally got some sleep again but not really to much. All day I was cranky, tired and had no patience and to make matters worse every time I went to do something and set Chlobug down she would get cranky after 5 mins which just added to my frustration!

So being fed up and exhausted by the night before I just saved us all the hassle and brought her to bed with us when she woke up in the middle of the night and was able to sleep until 8 am. Although holding myself in that position really does a number on my back and my neck especially when I am on my right side for some reason. I really don't know what will happen when and if I decide to wean because I am still really considering that but for now we will see how it goes.

fun times of parenting

I feel really down today for some reason. Last night I fed the munchkin at about 20 to 11 and by 11:20 Chris and I were getting ready for bed. I hate night time now because it's always a struggle to get Chlobug to sleep. All I have to look forward to then is a few hours of sleep, sometimes 4 or 5 if I am lucky, before she gets me up to nurse her again and then it's another fight to get her back to sleep. Last night we decided to put on a cd that is a recorded sound of a real moms heart beat. I don't know if it was that or what but she went into the cradle without to much problem. I was shocked! She did wake me up about 2.5 hours later though which sucked but to my surprise she would only eat off one side. No matter what I did to get her to wake up a little bit or enough to latch on the other side she wouldn't. I finally gave up and decided that if she woke up then I would just have to get back up to feed her on the other side. I was able to set her down with no problems! It was amazing! She woke again around 6am and I just nursed her in bed while laying down. I find I can get a bit more rest that way but it really kills my back when I do it since I keep myself completely rigid so I don't move at all. I guess because I am afraid of squashing her or something. It beats having to drag myself out of bed to nurse her though. Our bed really isn't that big either so there really is no room to move.

Last night was just SO perfect since I got decent amount of sleep. I was also then able to nurse her in the chair at 7:30am and not have her screaming her head off while I try to get monkey up. I was able to dress monkey and fed her oatmeal and eat myself without Chlobug screaming. She then took a 3 hour nap and when she woke up she was content and just looked around for a while. It was so weird!

So my day started out perfect but it didn't stay that way unfortunately.  Not long after I got monkey dressed and was making her oatmeal in the kitchen my perfect day went to shit. I didn't hear monkey come into the kitchen and when I turned from pouring water into the oatmeal to get a spoon I bumped into her. She went flying down on her bum with this shocked look on her face. I was frozen with probably a look of horror on my face because I couldn't do anything to stop it it happened so quick. That wasn't even the worse part. After she landed on her butt she flew backwards and banged her head off the floor. I don't know if it was my face cringing or her shock and her hitting her head but she started screaming! I felt so horrid. I picked her up and consoled her until she calmed down. God I felt so horrible and couldn't stop saying sorry to her. So once she was calm I put her down got the rest of her breakfast ready then put her in her highchair. While I was pushing up the sleeves on her dress I hit the tray which I thought was locked into place. Turns out it wasn't and it went flying to the floor with a bang,  which made her scream again. I think the loud bang scared her so much that of course she started screaming again. So I picked her up again and tried to calm her down again. What a horrible horrible morning. She finally did calm down and ate her breakfast and all was well thankfully. Geeez!!

Ttoday since it was sort of warm in here I decided to put a onesie on her, which I was always to afraid to do with Monkey because her neck was so wobbly. Chlobug seems to have better head control and I am more confident so I put it on her, put her in her swing after I nursed her with a blanket under her and she was fine for a bit. Unfortunately eventually she started screaming so when I went to get her I discovered that she had a really bad poop that soaked the front of her. It was on the burp cloth on top of her and on her new fuzzy blanket. No wonder why she was screaming. when I picked her up she was soaked all the way up her back to. I was like seriously!! The ONE time I put her in a onesie and this is what happens. That is the way my luck rolls I guess. lol. It wasn't even one that snaps in the front it had to go over her head. There was just sooo MUCH poop! and everywhere as I discovered when I opened up her diaper. That wasn't fun trying to get the onesie off of her without getting poop everywhere! I just put her in warm jammies again since it was getting chilling in the great room again. 

What a DAY!!

Can I say 'I hate nursing' again?

It's so hard now to find time to journal which really sucks because I feel like so much has happened and I have forgotten to write it down.

Monkey during the holidays drank from the plastic orange shot glass Chris uses to give her some juice by herself for the first time. There wasn't to much left in it but we were both amazed that she was able to do it herself a bit. Although when he tried it again she ended up spilling a lot on her but it's a start. Shes been a pro at the sippy cup for along time now so it's abut time really but we will take it slow. She also surprised us last night when we were just finishing up supper. Chris had Chlobug in his arms while he was eating since she was crying and he asked me to get some pie for him. He spelled it out though 'can you get me some p-i-e please?', I was like okay but there isn't a lot left. We both did a double take when Monkey started saying iIwant some pie. Smartypants!

It was so nice to have Chris off for 1.5 weeks over Christmas. Near the end I was nursing Chlobug in bed in the morning to get some more rest and then we both slept in a couple of hours. I didn't have to worry about monkey since Chris was getting up with her. So it was nice to get some extra zzz's. I miss that, since I can't do that anymore because once monkey wakes up we all get up. We didn't go home for Christmas though which sucked but I was to nervous about having to drive there with Chlobug still only a few weeks old. Also being around so many people and having two suppers to go to etc was just to much for me. I was getting anxiety just thinking about it. Since I am nursing as well I just couldn't do it. I'm sure the stress would have killed my supply. It's sort of a good thing since it took  Monkey like 4 hours to open her presents. I don't think she yet understands the whole Christmas thing. So with a lot of coxing and help she finally opened all her gifts. Staying home was also good because it seemed like the baby was eating every hour. I think she probably was going through a growth spurt or something.

New years was the same, we just stayed home. I avoided watching anything new years related on TV so I wouldn't get depressed lol. I couldn't even have a drink at home since I am nursing.

Chlobug has been okay. She is nursing well aside from sometimes feeling like she is always hungry. This time around it is going better, since I am not afraid that she isn't getting enough. I am just finding that the constant nursing and holding her, that I have hardly any time for Monkey and it makes me really sad. I am probably going to be weaning Chlobug earlier then I did Monkey. Right now I am trying to get to 6 weeks and then maybe I will start. It is just to frustrating for me especially at night that I can't do anything since she just wants to eat all the time and always when I am trying to do something. It also takes a bit of time as well. I don't know I feel guilty though thinking about it. I would love to get to 3 months though but the night time feedings are hard. I guess I might try just bottle feeding her in the middle of the night instead? It's really hard to get her to go to sleep at night since like monkey, she always wakes up when we set her down in the cradle. Sometimes she does go to sleep but most of the time not and then after an hour or so of trying to get her to sleep I drag myself out of bed to nurse again. Then in the middle of the night it's the same thing she is dead asleep at the end of the nursing session but as soon as she is in that cradle she wakes up and cries forever. I really don't know if it will be any different with formula but at least then it won't take as long. I don't know what to do since I feel guilty thinking about it but seriously I want my body back I want to be able to go somewhere and not have to rush home in less then an hour. I have only went out once since I came home from the hospital and I went to Michael's craft store to get a few things.

so down lately..

4:15pm

 

I feel weird right now. I don't even know how to describe it. Chlobug is in her swing sleeping with her soother and Monkey is in her crib napping. It's getting dark in here already which makes me not want to do anything. Actually right now I would just love to crawl into a dark hole and disappear but I can't because have to take care of the kids - or even really laying down under the covers and listening to music and letting my mind fly away. The last few days I have been taking a long hot shower to have a little time to myself after Chris gets home. I really just feel hopeless and lost and I am sick of worrying about if Chlobug is going to be okay. She ate really shitty a few days ago and then was breathing really weird all day long and part of the night. She randomly has been making these weird noises as well. I don't even know how to describe it, it's like she is going to choke on her spit but stops breathing and then a few moments later she is fine. I don't know whether I should be concerned and take her to the doctor or what. I really hate that her next appointment is Feb 7th. That is over 6 weeks away! I thought babies were checked over more often especially if they are breast fed.?She has been pooping enough and peeing decently but the last few days again she has been having trouble latching. I don't know why? She also is spitting up a lot to which after the air comes out and the spit up she just wants to eat again. I am getting tired of feeling like a milk cow or something. She is eating 12 times a day. I hope it gets better because I don't know how long I can go on like this. I am so afraid of dealing with the constant plugged ducts again.

I really wish that Chris was home right now though. I need to take a break from everything. A nice hot shower sounds wonderful to me right now. I hate winter and it's dark at 4:30. Chris always seems to get home really late as well. I'm so behind in everything and I really just wish all this weight from both pregnancies was gone. The worst is I really can't even work out yet since I am only two weeks post partum.

Also Chlobugs belly button thing fell off on the 8th and since then there is always dried blood in her belly button. I hope it's normal but it gets on the inside of her jammies or on my clothes when I am feeding her. We gave her her first bath in the actual bath tub on the weekend and we wiped the blood out but there were more crusties there again soon after. She doesn't like the bath at all. She screamed her head off every time so far. UGH I don't think I can handle this much longer. I think everything would be better if I was just formula feeding her. A lot of the stress would be off me and Chris would be able to help with the overnight feedings. But I have this mommies guilt since I stuck it out with Monkey for almost 7 months. I also don't want to regret stopping either. This time around it's not so bad it just sucks feeding her after dark and at night. Although she for the most part sleeps for at least 4 hours overnight. Still though I hate getting up in the middle of the night and being cold to feed her. She obviously is getting enough though since she is peeing enough and these are nice heavy diapers so I don't know what to think. I hope it gets better soon though. I hate to think that maybeIi am suffering a bit from post partum depression!

off to the hospital again..and the doctor..

(written 22/03/2013)

We went to see the lactation consultant at the hospital today. I really did not want to have to go and was sort of angry that I was just there the day before! This time I had to walk all the way up by myself and I was only 3 days after giving birth. That wasn't really fun but at least mom was still down so she watched the monkey. We also had to go to the doctors to get chlobug checked out which also was not fun either.

Anyways the consultant really helped me. She suggested using a simple sns system that did sort of what the nurse the day before did. This time it was a tube that was attached to a syringe. She just sucked up some formula (although she said of course I could use expressed milk as well but since I didn't have any with me we just used that) so we got the baby to latch then she slipped it into her mouth and every time she stopped nursing she pushed the plunger and then the baby would start eating again. I was so amazed! I couldn't help but think why the hell the other consultant that was at the hospital before not suggest this to me with monkey? This not only helped her to keep eating and thus not having to fight with her for hours on end at feeding time (which was really exhausting with monkey) but also stimulated my body to know that it needed to produce more milk. She said that we probably would only need to do that for a few days until she wasn't as sleepy as she was.

 

She also answered my question on how to know if you have a good latch. I mean I knew to look for the flanged lips but I hated that everything stated to get as much of the tissue in as possible. That always confused me because how do you know you have enough? She answered me but I had to specifically ask her that as long as the lips are flanged it is all good. I knew that if I hadn't asked again in a more direct fashion like that I would be at home worry constantly that she wasn't getting the proper amount or whatever. She gave us the simple sns kit and we were on our way. I felt like this time that nursing had to be better and I was totally confident but at the same time I didn't know if I wanted to do this. I set myself a goal of 6 weeks again first and see how it went.

Then we were off to the doctor. Everything was fine here. I really wish I could find where I wrote down how much she weighed. I need to find that because I know I have it somewhere along with her other measurements

the hospital stay and finally going home with our new little bean!

(writing this next part in march 21st so I forget a lot now)

I really wish that I would have wrote this down sooner then now but better late then never.

 

It was awesome that Chris was with me but he probably didn't get a lot of sleep. But neither did I so we were even. The baby kept us up that's for sure. I was nursing but I was feeling like it was going all wrong again and it was starting to hurt a lot. The night nurse said that she would put me on the list for the lactation consultant to come see me and it would probably be in the morning. The day nurse that came in checked my latch and said that it was fine but I looked down and didn't see how she thought that. It turns out because she thought it was good she told the lactation consultant not to bother coming to see me! I mean when I heard that I was a little mad! I guess I can understand that she was already booked solid but still!! Please don't make that judgement for me especially when I was having nipple pain and had so much trouble the first time around AND I was not confident at all.

It was hard to get in and out of bed and go to the washroom which is to be expected and it really sucks! I hate this part. I probably would have had an easier time nursingif I could sit up properly and not have my back like totally killing me and not being able to shift to much. I had my nursing pillow this time as well and lots of pillows around me.Another good thing about having a private room (and ours was at the end of the hallway which was even better) was that I felt comfortable with taking a shower and not worrying that someone else needed to use the bathroom! It was SOOO nice!

We didn't bring that much stuff with us like the last time and we still didn't really use to much. We didn't bother even to get phone in my room or TV. Although honestly this time around maybe the TV would have made time go by a bit faster. It really wasn't fun sitting staring at the wall all day long.

The next day (monday), Chris went home to get mom and monkey. We wanted monkey to meet her little sister before we brought her home. On the way back Chris stopped at little Caesars and bought a few pizza's. They were way better then the hospital food! I did try to eat my meals that they gave me as much as possible since I hate wasting food but they were pretty gross and very bland. It was a good visit and I was so happy to see monkey. I missed her terribly and I don't know if it was partly after birth hormones or post partum depression but the night before I was extremely sad and depressed since I knew that our relationship would change. I wouldn't have all the time in the world to focus just on her, and I missed that she used to bring me books to read during the day and want to sit on me when I read them. I missed her cute little face soo much. So I was so happy to see her when Chris brought her in with mom. I was still pretty sad watching her play in the room though. I was afraid that she was going to feel abandoned once we were all home considering all the time I would need to focus on the baby. We also weren't really sure how she was going to react to the baby because we didn't think she understood at all that we were having another baby. She just sort of looked at her and really wasn't to sure about her at all. Then she just ignored her lol.

 

This day was long and I knew that the night was going to be long as well. I was relieved when they finally took my IV out so I could move around easier! Not that I did much of that but still. Chris took mom and monkey home and then came back. We tried to get as much sleep as possible but it wasn't that easy to do so. The next morning (the 4th) is when I found out the day nurse had told the lactation consultant not to bother coming to my room, but she did see if she had time available for me the next day (wed). Luckily there was.

The baby passed all her testing and the milking of the foot for blood wasn't as bad as it was with monkey for which I was thankful. I was still having trouble with nursing and getting really frustrated. The baby was starting to fall asleep and stop nursing just like monkey did. There was no way I was going to be able to spend that much time with the baby as I did with Monkey. The day nurse was amazing though and I really wish I remembered her name.

 

They had a girl there that was learning taking my blood pressure etc and she went and got the nurse when I asked if she was coming around sometime because I was having troubles. She was so amazing. She saw what I meant when I said she was falling asleep almost immediately and went and got some sugar water or something and showed us that when she stopped nursing to drop a drop in the corner of her mouth and she would start again. It worked so well I was so relieved!! She said that we could also use some sterilized water as well when we got home. She spent a lot of time with me before we were released. I told her about the troubles with nursing monkey and how stressful it was. She told me that often times people are to hard on themselves and give up because they feel like the baby is getting nothing when in fact it is because they were so stressed to begin with. Stress effects your milk supply. She was like I am going to make a suggestion and it's only a suggestion and I always make sure I say this now because she said she got in trouble once for saying it. But she said I could always nurse the baby then give her an oz of formula or expressed breast milk (if possible) a few times a day so that you know that she is getting something. Just until my milk comes in or even for a few days after that. I was like holy crap why didn't I think of that? I mean I would have literally went home and suffered through it the way I did with monkey and get so stressed out about it that my milk supply probably would suffer again. We talked about other things but she made me feel so hopeful that I could actually do this. She was like you know what before you leave and since I know how the baby has been nursing I would feel more comfortable if before you go that you feed her a bit of formula. She was like it is just a suggestion but said  it would make her feel better and probably me as well. I was like you know what yes lets do that. I was told that the baby was a bit jaundice around this time to and that was another reason why I was OK with feeding her a bit of formula to help flush it out of her system. I was told that she was a bit jaundice offhand and not like just so you know she is a bit I mean seriously!!! I wouldn't have known that she was you know!? I don't even want to think about what would have happened if she wasn't getting enough fluids or whatever, and got worse and I didn't notice or something!! 

Chris fed her a bit from the bottle the nurse gave us. I cant remember how much maybe 10-15mls? But I felt honestly felt SO much better. It felt like forever before we actually left the hospital and this time at the desk we asked about a wheel chair. They seem to not have very many there for some reason? I mean do they actually think that people can make it all the way down to the pick up area after giving birth?? I did make it the last time but I almost passed out in the process and it's hard to walk really slowly because you feel so stupid! The walk is pretty far as well. The helpful nurse found one and wheeled me down while Chris carried the baby. I then waited inside while he went with the baby to get the car. Even that much tired me out! But I was SO happy to be home and able to sleep in my own bed.

I am in nap time shock.

Yesterday for the first time ever I let my 7.5 month old cry herself to sleep for her nap. I knew that I probably would have to eventually do this but I was envisioning myself doing it when she was at a bit older. I only did it now because she has shown me that she could do it and because I needed her to start napping once again in her crib since she is so mobile now. She can't crawl yet but she can move herself around pretty good. Her naps lately have been in our bed since I could either take a nap with her or tip toe away after she was asleep. I could never master transferring her from my arms to her crib without waking her up. It was almost impossible to get her back to sleep after that. Since she is more mobile I am afraid that she will fall off the bed even with pillows surrounding her.

I used to nurse her to sleep for naps and at night and that was all fine and good until I needed to start weaning. For a time I was happy with half nursing/half formula feeding her. You only have to look at earlier entries of my blog to see all the trouble I have had with nursing so I thought I had finally found a happy medium that I was okay with. Any breast milk is better then none. I would have continued this for as long as possible if it wasn't for the fact that I need to go back to work at the end of January and that I seem to need to take donperidone to keep my supply up. Nursing to sleep had let me keep my sanity and our days were much better because it wasn't a long, long, long process to get her to finally drift off. Most days I ended up just skipping her nap altogether because after an hour of trying to get her to sleep I was exhausted. As I started to wean off of donperidone at the same time, I could tell my supply was decreasing. I got to the point where I was only nursing in the mornings and at night. Unfortunately for me getting her to fall asleep with the bottle was not working anymore and it was getting stressful for me again since if she did not sleep she was cranky and clearly tired and it made me upset so we both had not so good days. (Having said that I definitely did not give her her bottle and leave her to fall asleep with it, I would take it out when she was either asleep or switch to her soother. Maybe that is just as bad but it worked and I knew I wasn't going to do that for forever.)

It came to the point this week that she would eat all of the bottle and be cranky because she wasn't asleep. I was frustrated one day and had to put her in her crib and leave her for a five minute break to calm myself down and refresh my patience batteries so I could go and try to get her to sleep again. Well she cried for a few minutes then there was silence. I checked on her and she was fast asleep in her crib and actually slept for longer then she normally EVER does. I was in shock but relieved because I really did not have the energy to fight with her to get her to take a nap.

Yesterday was the first day that I let her cry it out and it was SOOO hard. She cried for almost 20 -30 mins straight with only a few slight pauses. I did everything I could not to go in there and get her. I twittered, I rambled on in a email to my hubby and my friend. Finally she was silent and when I checked on her she was asleep! It worked! It actually WORKED and it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. She really surprised me. I was relieved and so happy that she had stopped crying because that seriously broke my heart to have to listen to her go through that! The kicker is that she slept for almost 1.5 hours!! Her max used to be 30 mins at a time which never was enough and when she woke up she was happy and not crying. I was also relieved that she had a big smile for me when I came in to get her. I thought she was going to hate me. She was content and ate lunch and played on the floor without whining or crying because she actually had a decent nap for once. Her second nap came and I have to admit that I delayed it as much as I could (but only for about 10 mins) because I was afraid that I would have to listen to her cry again and it would break my heart again.

I did her nap routine, (which is pretty short, basically wave to ourselves in the mirror, change her bum, turn on her music, shut the door and then feed her and kiss her night night and walk out) and the second nap there was not a single peep out of her and she again slept for 1.5 hours.

Today for her first nap she only cried for less then 20 mins with long pauses and slept for over an hour again. I am in COMPLETE shock! She woke up again and was happy. She was actually jibber jabbering to her little monkey for a bit after she woke up. I am so happy that she is finally getting decent amounts of nap time sleep and that she is happier in general! It was the same for her second nap today. A little bit of crying but you know what the little monkey butt is actually asleep. I now might be able to get some house work done if she continues to take decent lengths of naps! I just can`t get over it! I don't know if it's just because it had to be done, or if it's because we were trying to be consistent in her sleep routines, or if it's because of her age or what. I just know that I am happy that nap time is no longer a emotionally draining heart breaking fight! 

Sadly yesterday morning was the last time I am ever going to nurse my little monkey and despite all the problems I have had with nursing and how much I hated it, I have to admit that I am a bit sad. I had dropped the night nursing session last week sometime and was planning on keeping the morning one for a bit but being completely weaned off of the donperidone and her not nursing hardly at all, I have dried up. I could tell all this week in the morning that she wasn't getting too much. So as of today she is completely weaned and I am sad that it's over but happy that I was able to nurse her for as long as I did. Despite all the problems I have had, I do plan on nursing any future kids for as long as I can and hopefully the next time it will be a much better experience because I will not make the same mistakes again and I will know what I am doing. As for now I am going to go enjoy my quiet time while monkey is still soundly asleep and just have to say that 'Victory is mine!!'  ;)

catch up...

So I haven't written in my journal in the last week. I haven't really felt much like blogging or doing anything really. I really didn't feel all that well last week. Mostly tired and felt pretty sluggish and no energy. Today has been much better. I don't know what changed but I sure am glad.

Lactitonist:

Last Friday the 26th we had our appointment with Heidi. We booked it at her suggestion the last time we saw her, so we could make sure that she is on track weight wise since we don't go see the doctor again until she is 6 months. Her weight was 14lbs 7oz (with clothes and diaper), so she estimated she probably was around 14lbs 4oz. She has dropped of her weight curve but Heidi said that is normal at this age. So in a few weeks it will be good to see if she is staying on that curve or if she is still dropping. She still is only getting about 2oz each feeding but she seems to be okay with it and has had enough diapers.

I haven't been logging when she eats anymore and I think it's helped me with my sanity. I felt like I was feeding her all the time, which I was, but I was always watching the clock. I think I am feeding her maybe 10 times a day instead of 12 but that is only because we are trying to get her into a nap routine. Not recording her feedings though is such a relief. A few times I needed to do so again just to make sure I was feeding her enough, but like Chris said, I can bf her anytime I want to. I don't have to wait until she wants to since if she isn't hunger she won't eat. 

Before seeing Heidi I was pretty convinced I wanted to ween. My original goal was to nurse until 6 months then switch to formula and start to feed her solids. I was just worried about how I was going to get her to sleep for naps since I always bf her to sleep. Plus I am taking donperidone and I wasn't sure how to ween while still taking that. But after talking to Heidi I've decided that somewhere between 6-12 months I will wean but only after she isn't dependant on breast milk as her main source of food. Heidi mentioned that eventually she would only need to bf about 3 times daily. That sounds pretty easy and she mentioned that eventually we will be able to give her cows milk. She made me feel like once again I can do this. In a few weeks we will have her 6 month checkup and shots and be able to discuss solids with the doctor. I seriously can't believe I have made it this far! It's so unreal to me since I remember when I was in tears crying on the couch because I didn't think I could continue but knew that in my heart formula wasn't an option. I am pretty stubborn like that :),

Sleep:

I am still having problems with her sleeping. The victory I felt last week was short lived. Today I am logging basically everything we do. Every time she yawns, gets cranky, rubs her eyes, eats, goes for a nap etc. Hopefully after a few days or a week or so a pattern will develop. So far today I have had her go to sleep easily with nursing and stay asleep when I transfer her to her crib. That in itself is a victory since usually between standing and trying to put her down she wakes up. She still woke up after about 20 mins. Both times I was able to lull her back to sleep. I was out of there again within 10 minutes.

I am doing something that Chris said to me over the weekend. He was trying to get her to nap because I needed a break from doing it and sometimes when someone else does it they find something that works. Well at one point he said to me that she was going back to sleep until I stuck my head over the crib and she saw me. Then she was all smiles and wanted to play. So today every time I had to go back in there to lull her I stuck my arm through the slats on the side to sooth her and that way we couldn't make eye contact nor could she see me. It worked! It actually worked.

 I still need to do a few things to make her room darker though, especially with the door. It's fairly dark in there now but anytime we go in or out the light from outside lights her whole room up. I might need to put two nails above the frame of the door so I can hang a dark blanket on it and open and close the door between the door and the blanket to minimize how much light from the hallway/front door goes into her room. I also think if I can ever find my book light I might have to spend a few days in her room while she naps so that at any sign of movement I can touch her / sooth her so she never wakes up enough to not go back to sleep. According to the no nap solution eventually she won't need you to do that so here is hoping. I don't mind staying in there to do that if I can read and sitting on the floor beside her crib I doubt she would see the light from the book light so it won't wake her up. It sucks staying in there in the dark and staring at the wall!

Simply amazing:

I have mentioned this to my mom before but I still find it amazing that every night I go to sleep and overnight I am always awake 5-10 mins before Monkey wakes up wanting to eat. This is never the same time so it's really neat how the mommy instinct kicks in after you have a baby, even if it doesn't feel like it. :)

Here's hoping that tommarrow and her naps are better yet again. Today I feel like there has been some progress but I know I have felt that before. Only time will tell I guess!