doc appointment...

So yesterdays doc appointment went well. She weighed in just shy of 9lbs. So she weighs 8lbs and 15oz, gaining 5oz last week. That made me feel even better then it did the week before. This last week has been better though, only had a few days or times that I felt completely overwhelmed but thankfully that never happened when I was home by myself. It's such a relief to know that she is doing well and gaining. Our next appointment is in two weeks, so hopefully she will have gained by that time as well. Breastfeeding still is a challenge but my left nipple doesn't hurt as much as it did. Still does but at least it's not as bad.

Today Tam and Mom came up to visit with us and the baby. Missy (my sister's eldest) who was up the day before at Steph's (my sister's middle child) came by before she went back home. I think it was the first time she saw monkey since she was born :) It was a good visit. Nice to see them since we don't get to go to far right now, to hard when I have to feed her every 2-3 hours. I like the option of feeding her expressed milk in a bottle though. That's what I did when they were here since she was getting cranky during there visit. She didn't eat to much just before they got here so it's nice to be able to do that. That way I don't disappear with her for 30-60 mins! Mom said that JP (older brother) and Jen (his gf) will probably drop by either today or tomorrow to see the baby. JP was going to come up last week with the two boys but since I had such a bad day on Saturday he thought he would just wait until this weekend.

I can't believe how fast the first few months of the year have gone by, especially the month of March. It's April's Fools day today already! Today we have a doc appointment to see if monkey is still gaining weight. Hopefully she has despite the problems I am still having with breast feeding (mostly just the pain and latching). She seems to be bigger I think so she must be getting enough, not to mention she has enough pees and poops so that is a good sign. We shall see in a few hours. I am glad it's the weekend though. It will be nice to have Chris here the whole day for a few days. Breastfeeding and taking care of baby right now is exhausting!

I have been trying to journal but it never seems to work out. I am so behind as it is! So much to write about and I feel like I have no time! Monkey is actually sleeping at the moment so I thought I would at least journal about today and maybe do a bit of catch up on the last few weeks before I forget to much of what happened. I really wish I was able to journal my thoughts while I was in the hospital. I almost attempted it once but decided I would rather have rested and slept then writing anything. Plus it was sort of hard to sit up and be comfortable.

Last night Chris's mom and sister Lindsay came up to visit the baby. Linds is leaving next week to go work for the summer season at a resort so this is one of the last chances she will see the baby for awhile. She was like 'she is going to be so big the next time I see her!' I got really tired near the end of the night. They left around 9pm and I fed monkey then put her in the playpen and tried to sleep but it wasn't really working. I was pretty grumpy to say the least. I fed her around midnight, then Chris topped her up with 1.5 oz of expressed milk, then we went to sleep after she fell asleep. I woke around 5am and she was getting antzy to eat. So Chris went and prepared the two or so oz of expressed milk I had from that day and fed her that in a bottle. I decided that I needed a break that night from breast feeding. One because I was so tired before we went to bed and plus I though having 8 hours of her not hurting my nipple with the medicine on it would be good thing and hopefully give it a chance to heal. Breast feeding would be so much better if my nipple wasn't instant pain as soon as she latches on! I did go wipe it off and then express milk from both sides. The last time I went 6 or more hours without feeding or pumping my boobs were so full and hard it was uncomfortable. So I think pumping really helped last night. I think I got a little more then two oz fairly quickly. When I got up this morning they felt normal so that was good. I think the stuff might have helped my nipple a bit. It's not as bad as it was before so that is a plus. I can't wait until it's healed so I can stop using that stuff! I hate thinking that maybe I didn't get it all off. The pharmacist said to make sure it's off since it's bad for baby
 :(

After I got up this morning and fed her since she was wide awake for the longest time. She was fine when I held her but would get fussy when I put her down. She also had a really water yellowy smelly poop. Thankfully she did it before I had taken off her diaper and holy this diaper was full. She probably had a few pees in there as well since it was so heavy! I was planning on feeding her around 12:30 - 1pm but she got really fussy around 11:30 so I just fed her from my left side. She did pretty good probably eating 15-20 mins then fell asleep. I didn't bother with the right side since she was out cold, so she must have gotten enough from the right side? Now she is asleep. So I have a few hours before I have to wake her again to feed. It's exhausting having to feed her so often but at least I can watch the TV while I am doing it. She is so cute! LOVE her to death. :)

So that is our day so far. Just hanging out watching TV while she is sleeping. Maybe I will attempt to read or something or watch a movie soon. I already ate lunch so no need for that. I do need to drink more water since I am thirsty and that reminds me that I need to take my vitamins as well.!! I should go do that!

ooo yesterday I had a good idea for a story. Just a short children's book but it explains why babies smile when they are new born. Mom says that my Nanny used to say that when newborns smile they are talking to the Angels. So it's sort of a spin off of that :) I am excited to try and write the full story out! Hopefully I can do that soon. I wish I had a laptop or something so I can do that and sit on the couch to write. I really want one of those small computers just for writing. Some day maybe!

(and just to be confusing I wrote this entry on this exact day before I had caught up with entries before this)

4:25pm

So this last few weeks have been a emotional roller coaster! I badly need to update my blog on what has been happening! I thought though I would as least record my thoughts and feelings on today so that way I don't forget everything that I am going through.

Yesterday I was a total basket case. I have been having a hard time getting baby to latch properly, especially on my left nipple, which hurts like hell every time she does latch on. Like instant 10 on the pain scale. It does ease off but it hurts so much at the moment that it's like I expect it to hurt soo much that it's hard not to get really tense when she goes to latch. It's so hard not to scream out loud that is how bad the pain is. Well I actually did scream a few times. :(

Today I feel so much better though and feel like I can do this, although going back and forth between feeling confident and wanting to give up is starting to suck. Well it's mostly the feeding part that I don't like since it's time consuming. Takes about 40 mins to feed her, I try 20 min on each side to make sure she is getting enough. Also she falls asleep soon after she gets latched on so that is another reason it takes awhile. Then it's changing the diaper in between to wake her up again to feed on the other side. Then once that is done it's ten minutes on the breast pump to extract some more breast milk and then a few more minutes to clean and sanitize the parts.

okies baby is crying must go see why...

(written April 26 2011)

Today Heather from Healthy Babies came over to see how I was doing. It was nice that she did so. She said that they normally don't come out right away but since I was so upset the day before she made the appointment with me to come out. She brought a whole crap load of information for me including some information on bottle feeding baby since I was still not sure what I wanted to do. Today I felt a lot better then I did the day before. I felt like I could actually do this as apposed to the emotional roller coaster I was the day before. Poor mom since she couldn't really help me with breastfeeding problems since she didn't breast feed us at all, but it was till nice to have here there to listen to me or to take the baby if I needed her to. She spent a lot of time tickling monkey and pulling on her feet to help me keep her awake while I was trying to feed her since she is a sleepy baby who falls asleep almost right away no matter how hungry she is. So frustrating.

Today though I felt a renewed sense of determination and felt that I can actually carrying on trying to breast feed. All my thoughts were conflicted though because at times I just wanted to give up and go with formula feeding her since in my view making bottles is so much easier emotionally and time wise then trying to feed her and getting really frustrated because she doesn't want to!

I was trying to pump after each feeding during the day to help build up my milk supply in case it lacked a bit since trying to feed her after leaving the hospital. Pumping is also time consuming even though I only really spend five mins on each side. But having to wash and clean all items after each use and setting them out to dry so they are ready in 2-3ish hours. Time consuming!

It was also awkward trying to feed her the expressed milk in a little cup thing since she likes to swing her head back and forth and a few times almost knocked the pill cup out of my hand. Also trying not to pour milk into her mouth to fast or tip it to far that it spilled down her face instead of landing on her tongue so she can swallow it, also was not a fun experience. Another reason I loathed breast feeding since I felt that this was not normal and I should not have to do this! But what can you do!

another shitty night...

(written April 17th 2011)

So like I said in my previous entry the night was total shit again. I was so upset this day I just kept saying over and over I don't think I can do this. It's to stressful, it's to crappy, I'm constantly worrying she isn't getting enough. It was horrible. I was annoyed that this paper with all these phone numbers on it for help like no one was available! I called to see if I could talk to Heidi but they said if I hadn't left a message for her earlier in the day she probably wouldn't get back to me today since it was almost home time and that if I just had a question I should call healthy babies ppl and ask to talk to their lactitionist. So that is what I did. I left a message with them. I was just sitting there so upset and poor Mom really didn't know what to say to help me. She said she couldn't even really help or offer advice since she herself never breastfeed and no one in the family really did. The only one she could recall at the time was Aunt Rose. She said everyone went back to work shortly after so they just bottle fed. Regardless it was really nice having Mom there since it was really hard for me to get up and down or walk to far and it was nice to have someone to hand the baby to me when I got all ready to feed her. Mom was even helping me keep monkey awake since she would start to eat then fall asleep. I knew she wasn't full since if you took her off and put her down she would instantly wake up and start freaking out that she was hungry! It was exhausting.

Anyways, The lactationist at healthy babies called me back and it was actually Heather that was at the appointment with Heidi the day before. So that was really nice that she knew what was going on. We talked for awhile and I felt a bit better after getting off the phone with her. I was realllly upset before talking to her. I'm sure most of it was my emotions being out of whack since I couldn't stop freaking crying my eyes out. I just felt so hopeless. So after talking to her I had a game plan in my mind. Chris would go rent a pump, I would pump after each feeding and give her the extra after each feeding. I would be more aggressive when bringing her to my breast and if by the end of the week it wasn't any better then I would switch to bottle feeding. Heather made an appointment with me for Wednesday to come out to the house and talk to me. So that was good as well. I didn't want to buy a breast pump right away since I didn't know if I was going to continue this way and they can be anywhere from $200 to $1500 (at least for the electric ones).

It was only 25 bucks a week to rent it so it wasn't that bad. We had bought a kit from Heidi at the hospital the day before to use with the machine since you have to get your own breast shield , bottles etc. Well I wouldn't have wanted to use any that they would give if they did do that anyways since it would be gross to use one that someone else had used how many times before. The pump worked pretty good. It was pretty huge and the carrying case was big as well. Nice to be able to rent a pump though at first instead of committing to purchasing one out right since you can't return them once they are open. So definitely a huge investment and one you hope you will use.

(written on april 17th 2011)

So mom got here okay thank god! Chris said when he got back from the store that he was thinking of asking the store if he could use the phone to call me to tell me to call mom and tell her not to come up today since it was so shitty out. So I am really glad she got here okay. She said she left early enough and took her time to get here. It was still really bad out though so it's good she got here okay. I told her where Chris was because she thought he was already on his way to work. I filled her in on the night and how crappy it was. I'm sure I was pretty weepy still. I was glad she was here. I was also relieved when Chris got back. He had got some formula and two bottles. He then got ready for work and went in. With moms help we sterilized the bottles and nipples, made the formula and I fed her about 1oz.

Then since it was after 9 (this was the longest wait ever) I called the hospital back and was hopeful to get an appointment to see Heidi that day. The worst part is that while we were at the hospital, at some point the stupid construction people cut both our lines again so I had to do all my calling on our stupid cell phone (pay as you go - just a basic cell). Thankfully when I called the nurse who answered seemed nicer and more understanding and sympathetic to my shitty night. She said Heidi had a opening at 1pm. Thank GOD! So I called Chris but since he was in a meeting I told them to just get him to call back. I think I might have taken a nap here and told Mom what time we had to go to both the doctor and to the lactitionist.

So Chris came and got me and we went to see Heidi. I was pretty much ready to give up breast feeding at this point. I really could not take another feeding off of my sore poor nipples. I had fed her that oz in the morning after mom came and fed her another oz around 11 before we went to see Heidi I just could not bring myself to put her on again. I figured since I was going to get help it would be okay. That day would have been the deciding factor in regards to weather I would continue this way or not. The meeting with Heidi went well and monkey was hungry too which was good. The person I had talked to when I phoned to make the appointment said if it was a problem with latching then make sure she was hungry when we went.

Heidi brought me hope that I could actually do this and pointed out a few things that I was doing wrong when trying to get her to latch on. Also she explained how to tell if she was getting a let down or swallowing. Basically telling me the whole process really helped me a lot. She also mentioned that when I went to the doctor to mention about this medication to help with my nipples to treat cracks and soreness. She said it would get better if I used that. Also she mentioned that I should either get a pump or rent one to pump after feeding her to help bring my milk supply up again since it might have been suffering due to frustration with feeding and improper latching. The worst thing about all of this was that on Sunday before the crappy night happened I was so relieved to start see that my milk was beginning to transition from colostrum to milk, so I thought I was on the right track.

She also hooked me up to her pump she had there to show me what it would feel like when I am pumping on my own. We didn't get a whole lot out but there was some. She fed it to monkey in a little pill cup thing saying that I could always feed her then express and then top her up with that. I was thinking that probably would be a good idea for me since then I would know that she was at least getting that much. It's so hard to tell exactly how much she is getting since our boobs don't have measuring ticks on them. Anyways after this meeting I was confident and felt that I could actually do this! She had a person from healthy babies with her that day as well. She was just sitting in on her meetings for the day. She was pretty nice and I didn't mind that she was there. So then we were off to the doctor.

The doctor appointment went alright. She was down in weight from 8lbs 11oz to 8lbs 1oz. We expected that though since all babies lose some of their birth weight and then regain it all within two weeks of being born. Everything else seemed to be okay with her. They also gave me a prescription for stuff to put on my nipples.  So we went to the pharmacy that is in the same building. Thankfully they rushed to mix this stuff since I think it was almost closing time for them. WHOOPS I didn't even think about that since it was about 5 something then. Thankfully they were nice and filled it there for us. It saved us a trip to SDM to get it filled. I think the amount they gave me will like last me forever and then some. geez. It cost like 50 bucks as well and my insurance card from work wasn't working either! But he said to keep the receipt and once we figure out what is going on we can send it in and get reimbursed if they cover any of it.

So we went home and the feeding time around 7ish went really well and made me feel once again that I was going to be ale to do this! It was such a relief to me since I wanted to breastfeed so bad. The trick is definitely getting her to latch properly. When we were with the lactionist I was really surprised that it didn't hurt at all when we got monkey to latch correctly. It surprised me considering the insta pain that went on every time I had tried to latch her. After that feeding unfortunately, it went to shit again. The next time I fed her was okay but not the greatest. Then all through the night it was a struggle!