Tuesday, March 22, 2011

another shitty night...

(written April 17th 2011)

So like I said in my previous entry the night was total shit again. I was so upset this day I just kept saying over and over I don't think I can do this. It's to stressful, it's to crappy, I'm constantly worrying she isn't getting enough. It was horrible. I was annoyed that this paper with all these phone numbers on it for help like no one was available! I called to see if I could talk to Heidi but they said if I hadn't left a message for her earlier in the day she probably wouldn't get back to me today since it was almost home time and that if I just had a question I should call healthy babies ppl and ask to talk to their lactitionist. So that is what I did. I left a message with them. I was just sitting there so upset and poor Mom really didn't know what to say to help me. She said she couldn't even really help or offer advice since she herself never breastfeed and no one in the family really did. The only one she could recall at the time was Aunt Rose. She said everyone went back to work shortly after so they just bottle fed. Regardless it was really nice having Mom there since it was really hard for me to get up and down or walk to far and it was nice to have someone to hand the baby to me when I got all ready to feed her. Mom was even helping me keep monkey awake since she would start to eat then fall asleep. I knew she wasn't full since if you took her off and put her down she would instantly wake up and start freaking out that she was hungry! It was exhausting.

Anyways, The lactationist at healthy babies called me back and it was actually Heather that was at the appointment with Heidi the day before. So that was really nice that she knew what was going on. We talked for awhile and I felt a bit better after getting off the phone with her. I was realllly upset before talking to her. I'm sure most of it was my emotions being out of whack since I couldn't stop freaking crying my eyes out. I just felt so hopeless. So after talking to her I had a game plan in my mind. Chris would go rent a pump, I would pump after each feeding and give her the extra after each feeding. I would be more aggressive when bringing her to my breast and if by the end of the week it wasn't any better then I would switch to bottle feeding. Heather made an appointment with me for Wednesday to come out to the house and talk to me. So that was good as well. I didn't want to buy a breast pump right away since I didn't know if I was going to continue this way and they can be anywhere from $200 to $1500 (at least for the electric ones).

It was only 25 bucks a week to rent it so it wasn't that bad. We had bought a kit from Heidi at the hospital the day before to use with the machine since you have to get your own breast shield , bottles etc. Well I wouldn't have wanted to use any that they would give if they did do that anyways since it would be gross to use one that someone else had used how many times before. The pump worked pretty good. It was pretty huge and the carrying case was big as well. Nice to be able to rent a pump though at first instead of committing to purchasing one out right since you can't return them once they are open. So definitely a huge investment and one you hope you will use.


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