no time to write anymore it seems...

I never seem to feel like or have time to sit down and journal anymore and it sucks. Things have been going okay I guess. It still is an adjustment with trying to juggle two kids especially when Chlobug wants to nurse or be held all the time. Mornings can be the worst since if Chlobug wants to eat and then monkey wakes at the same time I either have to listen to the baby scream while I hurry and get monkey dressed and fed or make monkey wait in the crib ( or out in the front room) until I feed Chlobug. I feel bad about making her wait but most times she really doesn't seem to mind hanging out in her crib. She usually has a few toys in there with her anyways. I don't know what will happen when she is out of the crib. I'm not sure when that will happen but probably soon except now I think we might get her a twin mattress since the mattress in the basement is to big to have in there with the crib. I think we should just get her a toddler bed but I'm not sure how Chris feels about that? We had talked about it before but who knows,  I have no idea what we are going to do. It's really hard right now to go out and look at anything together since it's cold out and I'm nursing plus it's more of a pain to try and juggle the two of them. I guess we could always just get someone to watch them but still. Bah we just have to sit down and figure it out.

I joined Weight Watchers online a few weeks ago.  I seem to have a lot of points but then I get extra because I am full time nursing. I have so far lost 2 pounds and I am on track to have lost at least another pound on my Friday weight in. I'm glad that I joined when I did because when I was trying to lose a week or so prior to that I kept screwing up. There are a lot of resources online that I like and I like it better then going into the stupid meetings which I found to be boring for the most part. Online is also cheaper then going to weekly meetings. They had a deal where you could join for free so that was even better. I would like to lose more then a pound a week but right now I am happy to have at least be losing!

I'm not sure how long I am going to continue to nurse. It's driving me insane. I finally stopped recording every time I nursed her and all her diapers and that has seemed to help a bit. Right now my one nipple is hurting and she struggles to latch right away sometimes. She twists her head down a lot after latching as well. I find it nice at night though since I try and feed her or dream feed her around 11 before we go to bed. Lately she has been sleeping to at least 4am then I just bring her into our bed and nurse her on one side until I wake up and then we switch sides. I was getting up and trying to nurse her and then putting her back in the cradle but it was sucking. I need my sleep and I get really angry in the middle of the night if I can't. I hate that I am that way and I know that is what babies do (eat constantly) but it really is hard to keep calm when I am so tired all the time. Our bed is sort of small to so even nursing in bed is not fun either. I am always sandwiched between her and Chris basically has to hold onto me so he doesn't fall off his side of the bed lol.  It kills my back and my legs are always aching when I wake up. I'm afraid to switch to bottle feeding though since I really don't know two things about it (ie how much to give her and how often). Nursing her to sleep is my fail safe and basically is how I get her to sleep so if she doesn't go to sleep when being bottle fed then what will I do? I have no idea what to do anymore.

night time feedings suck..

I feel amazingly awake today! Yesterday was another story though. The night before we were able to put Chlobug into her cradle without her waking up to much. She did stir a few times but giving her her pacifier and resting my hand on her chest she fell back into slumber easily. I thought sleeping at night was getting better because the few nights before she was like this. I thought adding the heart beat for white noise was what was helping and moving the night light into the bathroom. But I was wrong , terribly wrong.  The night before last, like I said, she went to bed easily and woke up around 3am to eat. Unfortunately she wouldn't stay asleep nor fall asleep in her cradle even though she only ate on one side and no matter how hard I tried to wake her up a bit so she would latch on the other side, she wouldn't wake up. But of course when I put her down she started crying.  After trying to get her to sleep for 30 minutes I finally had to get up and nurse her again and then the same thing happened. Eventually after almost 2 hours of this Chris got 2 oz of formula and tried again. Nope, she wasn't having any of that. Chris at this point was doing most of the trying because I was just soooo tired and angry that I wasn't going to be much help at all. Finally around 6am I was like just bring her to bed and I will nurse her laying down. So we finally got some sleep again but not really to much. All day I was cranky, tired and had no patience and to make matters worse every time I went to do something and set Chlobug down she would get cranky after 5 mins which just added to my frustration!

So being fed up and exhausted by the night before I just saved us all the hassle and brought her to bed with us when she woke up in the middle of the night and was able to sleep until 8 am. Although holding myself in that position really does a number on my back and my neck especially when I am on my right side for some reason. I really don't know what will happen when and if I decide to wean because I am still really considering that but for now we will see how it goes.

Can I say 'I hate nursing' again?

It's so hard now to find time to journal which really sucks because I feel like so much has happened and I have forgotten to write it down.

Monkey during the holidays drank from the plastic orange shot glass Chris uses to give her some juice by herself for the first time. There wasn't to much left in it but we were both amazed that she was able to do it herself a bit. Although when he tried it again she ended up spilling a lot on her but it's a start. Shes been a pro at the sippy cup for along time now so it's abut time really but we will take it slow. She also surprised us last night when we were just finishing up supper. Chris had Chlobug in his arms while he was eating since she was crying and he asked me to get some pie for him. He spelled it out though 'can you get me some p-i-e please?', I was like okay but there isn't a lot left. We both did a double take when Monkey started saying iIwant some pie. Smartypants!

It was so nice to have Chris off for 1.5 weeks over Christmas. Near the end I was nursing Chlobug in bed in the morning to get some more rest and then we both slept in a couple of hours. I didn't have to worry about monkey since Chris was getting up with her. So it was nice to get some extra zzz's. I miss that, since I can't do that anymore because once monkey wakes up we all get up. We didn't go home for Christmas though which sucked but I was to nervous about having to drive there with Chlobug still only a few weeks old. Also being around so many people and having two suppers to go to etc was just to much for me. I was getting anxiety just thinking about it. Since I am nursing as well I just couldn't do it. I'm sure the stress would have killed my supply. It's sort of a good thing since it took  Monkey like 4 hours to open her presents. I don't think she yet understands the whole Christmas thing. So with a lot of coxing and help she finally opened all her gifts. Staying home was also good because it seemed like the baby was eating every hour. I think she probably was going through a growth spurt or something.

New years was the same, we just stayed home. I avoided watching anything new years related on TV so I wouldn't get depressed lol. I couldn't even have a drink at home since I am nursing.

Chlobug has been okay. She is nursing well aside from sometimes feeling like she is always hungry. This time around it is going better, since I am not afraid that she isn't getting enough. I am just finding that the constant nursing and holding her, that I have hardly any time for Monkey and it makes me really sad. I am probably going to be weaning Chlobug earlier then I did Monkey. Right now I am trying to get to 6 weeks and then maybe I will start. It is just to frustrating for me especially at night that I can't do anything since she just wants to eat all the time and always when I am trying to do something. It also takes a bit of time as well. I don't know I feel guilty though thinking about it. I would love to get to 3 months though but the night time feedings are hard. I guess I might try just bottle feeding her in the middle of the night instead? It's really hard to get her to go to sleep at night since like monkey, she always wakes up when we set her down in the cradle. Sometimes she does go to sleep but most of the time not and then after an hour or so of trying to get her to sleep I drag myself out of bed to nurse again. Then in the middle of the night it's the same thing she is dead asleep at the end of the nursing session but as soon as she is in that cradle she wakes up and cries forever. I really don't know if it will be any different with formula but at least then it won't take as long. I don't know what to do since I feel guilty thinking about it but seriously I want my body back I want to be able to go somewhere and not have to rush home in less then an hour. I have only went out once since I came home from the hospital and I went to Michael's craft store to get a few things.

back is killing me..

omg I don't know what I did to my back but it is killing me right now! It didn't hurt at the start of the day I don't think but definitely got worse as the day went on. I was soo happy when Chris came home because that meant that I didn't have to pick up monkey anymore. It sucked having to put her in and take her out of her crib when I tried to get her to nap or anytime that I had to change her bum or when I put her in her high chair. I hope it feels better by tomorrow morning or this is going to suck. Ugh this sucks!

Tomorrow is Chris's birthday and I plan on making lasagna for supper. Hopefully I will be able to move :( I have no idea what I am going to do if I cant! ughhh why can't it be the weekend already.

Monkey was so cute today. Around 11 am Max and Ruby was on and Ruby was trying to play twinkle twinkle little star on the piano but her brother kept interrupting her. I wasn't really paying attention to the TV to much but I realized that monkey was singing and it sounded SO MUCH like twinkle twinkle little star. Most of the words were gibberish or at least I couldn't understand them but all the words at the end were almost totally clear! I also love when she plays with her farm set and animals or the sesame street characters with the store front and she is talking like they are talking to each other. It's so cute to watch her. Her voice even goes up and down. I could listen to her do that all day long!

To my relief she also had a poop today. It wasn't that big but it was at least all one lump instead of a bunch of turdlets and it seemed a bit more then yesterday so hopefully we are making some progress. Even though I would say she is still constipated but at least she got some out.

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow though since my back is killing me. The baby is so freaking active today. I can tell there isn't to much room in there since sometimes the movement is really uncomfortable. Soon enough I guess.

I've been feeling less exhausted the past few days which is nice. I still get tired after getting up but am not struggling to stay awake anymore. I probably could go to sleep if I let myself but watching monkey that is definitely out of the question. I wonder if the extra iron I am now taking is helping or if it's just a coincidence. Regardless it's still nice.

Last night at work really sucked. There were loads of people missing to so my supervisor asked me to run number machine #6. The part was running horribly and it seemed like he would get it running okay and then five minutes later it was running like crap and I couldn't really keep up since I had to inspect each part carefully. I was so glad when the night was over. It was also really muggy in there despite the fact that it was chilly outside due to rain. I'm going to assume that I will have to work on 6 again and I really don't want to :( I am so tired of work it's not funny.

Only 6-7 more weeks to go which is like only 33 more shifts. I can do it! ( I hope). It was so hard to leave yesterday. I had the gate up in the kitchen so monkey could run around while I got my lunch ready and as soon as Chris walked in the door she ran to the gate with a big smile on her face and started giggling cause Chris was home. The cutest thing ever!! I miss her cuteness while I am at work.  I don't get to see it until we get up in the morning. If I didn't go I would have four extra hours of monkey cuteness before she goes to sleep. Her naps are later as well so it's going to be hit or miss if she wakes up before I leave. :( That makes me sad. I feel like I barely see her during the day since she naps from 1-3 hours and we get up around 8:30 -9am.

Catch Up.

I really need to start journaling more often. I am already at 26ish weeks prego and I feel like I barely have time to journal let alone update my blog online. I feel bad about it since I journaled a lot when I was carrying monkey. I guess that is the way it goes when you have a second child.

I had a doctors appointment on the 31st of Aug (last Friday) He had my results back from my blood and glucose test. Everything seemed fine so that was relief. He said the enzymes in my liver were fine as well (the last time I asked if it was normal to be so freaking itchy during pregnancy and I guess sometimes it can be caused by something in the liver). I'm glad that turned out okay. I asked about my ultrasound results and they STILL haven't gotten them yet. Seriously! I am already worried that my technician sucked and I want reassurance that everything is really okay. The baby is moving around a lot though so that's good.

It's funny though that this time around pregnancy doesn't seem as bad. There are certain things that are worse though like I had morning sickness this time around and it sucked especially when I had to watch monkey during the day. I also am finding that I don't have to get up every two minutes after I go to bed to use the washroom like I did the first time around, unless of course I drink a huge glass of water just before I go to sleep. I also haven't gained as much as I did the last time (50ish with monkey) but I am sitting at 22 pounds this time around. Although I started 25 pounds heavier this time around. I don't know if it's either because every pregnancy is different or it's because I really don't have to much time to think about it. I mean monkey keeps me busy during the day, then it's off to work, then home to sleep. Regardless though the time is going by fast, even though at work it seems to drag and I am starting to freak out about labour again!

 I only gained 4 pounds since the last time I was there which is a pound a week which is good. He said the baby's heart beat was at 130. I guess everything is going alright. I did have two concerns this time though. One was the incredible exhaustion I feel during the day. I only get maybe 7 hours of sleep a night if I'm lucky and it is broken. I get up with monkey and an hour later I am ready to crash but can't. I have been off and on lately taking a nap when she does just to get a few extra z's but most often I have to wake myself up before I am ready to and get ready for work or because monkey woke up that sometimes its not even worth trying to nap. Then I feel the same thing at work off and on but I can't nap there. He suggested that on top of my prenatal to take extra iron once or twice a day and nap when I can if I can and see if that helps.

Today I have been better. I didn't sleep that well last night since it was sort of muggy and I had gas stuck in my chest but finally I passed out. I kind of dozed in the morning until monkey woke up and I did feel sleepy around 10 but it wasn't to bad. Right not I feel okay as well. I hope that the extra iron is helping though because if not it's only going to get worse as my belly gets bigger!

The other thing that I was worried about was the fluttery jerky movements in my stomach near the bottom. He said not to worry and that at this point any movement is good. He said it could just be the baby in it's motions or whatever. He said he had one person describe it as having a seizure. I was actually thinking the same thing but didn't want to explain it that way). He said that he told her that he didn't think that was possible and not to worry. That made me feel better and looking it up online it seems a lot of people have the same feelings. It's nice to know that I am not the only one.

Monkey is becoming a little parrot repeating what we say. It's freaking cute though. She can't get the words exactly but we know what she is saying so we really have to be careful what we say around her. It's hard sometimes but I really don't want her to start saying something bad because it slipped from one of us because that will be the word that she says ALL the time.

I also just came off of a week of holidays and I don't want to go back! I'm dreading it but I have only 6-7 weeks left. I am going to try for a 7th week if I can because this time around I want a private room. I don't care the cost because last time I hated not being in a private room. So if I can work that week it would be good since it's like 200ish a day and our insurance doesn't cover any of it. It may be expensive but it will be worth it for me anyways. I will feel more comfortable and so will the people that come and visit in the hospital. It was really awkward the last time. The count down is on now though! I have to keep thinking only 1.5 months left, and am trying to take it a week at a time. This week is a short week with only 4 days. I can do it! I just have to keep saying that to myself!

ALSO my Mom and sister and my niece were over last Monday and I found out that my neice is going to have a baby. So I am going to be a Great Aunt for the first time!!! She is only about a month so far and will probably be due around my birthday. It is going to be so weird that our babies will almost be the same age! I am so excited for her. I still can't believe it though!

I tried to sleep in today but but it didn't really work that way. I thought at first I was refreshed but soon after I got up I started to feel like shit. I was lethargic, tired cranky etc. Plus I had a headahce due to the fact that as soon as I got up I started gagging and ended up throwing up stomach acid. I ended up taking a tylenol, that's how bad my headache was. I don't like taking medicine unless I really need to. Today I really did. 

I tried reading but my head hurt to much to even concentrate. Chris fed and put monkey down for her nap and then went to lay down himself. I ended up joining him since evne though all I really wanted to do was read I needed a nap. I fell asleep for at least an hour or so. I think we both woke up at the same time monkey did. I felt a bit better but still really didn't want to do a whole lot except I really wanted to go to walmart for a pair of jeans and a kobo ereader. I have really wanted an ereader for the longest time!

Last night, at work, went by fast which was awesome.  I found out due to the new procedures at the machine for this one part, I will no longer need to bug an machine assistant or my supervisor at the end of my shift to stamp and sign my boxes. Well I still needed to last night but any new boxes I have will all be stamped and signed already. That honestly made my friggen night!  I always dread the end of my shift for that reason because everyone that can sign my boxes are always hard to find our way busy with their own crap.

Yesterday at one point in the day, Monkey was sitting on the floor in the living room and had my bunched up socks where I had left them the night before and was trying to get them on her feet.  She couldn't get them on since they were in balls but she did have them on as far as she could get them on her toes. We were both watching her amazed that she knew what they were for and she was so intent on what she was doing.

Today just about 30-40 mins ago I had given her her sippy cup full of milk after we got home from grocery shopping , she finished it, walked over to the table our computers are on and stood up on her toes and put it on the side of the table! 

 

Her size five sandals now seem to fit her feet perfectly and I think she looks bigger (taller) but when we stood her by her height chart she seemed to be the same height. She is pretty tall though. I mean if she could figure out how to use door knobs she could do so easily since the top of her head is like 2-3 inches below the door knob. That would not be good though! I don't want her to grow up to fast.

She also figured out how to move a big box that we put across the kitchen entryway since we haven't gotten a plastic gate yet. So she escaped down the hall to her room. She also twice today fed Chris a few pieces of her lunch and supper. She is getting bigger and learning by the day! It's funny to hear what she tries to copy what we say :) I love her so much!

As for baby # 2, there have been a lot of kicks lately. Chris can even feel them as well. I think I am 25 weeks now but I need to double check my dates since the last time I was at the doctor he said that they had me down for a few weeks earlier. So I don't know. Hopefully next time we see him he will have the ultrasound results.

I have been super exahausted lately but I think that is probably normal with a second pregnancy since I have to get up with monkey then basically stay up until midnight when I get off work and I seem to be having a hard time falling asleep at night which is annoying. I might get up at 9am and feel fine but an hour later I am sooo sleepy that all I want to do is take a nap but I can't and most of the time when monkey finally goes for her nap I can't fall asleep then. It's a gamble though since sometimes I can and I feel better but sometimes I feel like complete shit so I try to avoid taking naps when I can. It sucks ,I can't wait to be on maternity leave. About 9 weeks left to go! Holy cow even though time seems to be going by slowly at the same time it seems to be flying by! I have already been back to work for almost 7 months! Crazy!

tired again..it's a pattern I think...

I'm not really looking forward to going into work tonight. I mean I keep going back and forth between if I should or not.  I definately feel better then most days so I probably will make myself. I probably will also kick my ass and regret it half way through. The shifts are so long and boring it sucks. All I want to do is stay home, relax, clean and work on my story! My birthday is next week as well which sucks :( I don't want to get a year older.

Is it the weekend yet? I'm so exhausted with all that needs to be done that nothing is getting done and that also sucks! I just want to feel okay otherwise it's going to be a really long f'n 6 months! On another note I weighed myself before taking a shower today and I was happy to see that I really haven't gained to much weight in the almost 3 months of the first trimester so that makes me really happy. I still wish I was back to my normal weight before I got prego again but at least this time I have a plan to lose the weight after this one is born and actually have the motivation to do it. I seriously really hate my under arm flab :( and why are all girl tshirts so freakin short in the sleeve department! I mean I hate the tops of my arms and unless I want to feel like big block of person wearing guys tshirts, the sleeves just show to much top arm :( you can never win!!
I know I need to stop whining.

So exhausted...

Omg I am so freaking exhausted today. I had a feeling that by the end of the week I would be like this. I really wish I didn't have to work so I could take a long nap when Chris gets home from work. I have a headache and that will only get worse when I get to work and have to wear my safety glasses and being under the flourescent lights. Ugh 8 more hours till the weekend. :( At least tommarrow I can sleep in a bit!

I am also still freaking out about weight gain. I want to keep it to a min since I dont want to go over what I was at the worst at the end of the last pregnancy but I am like famished all the time!! This weekend we need to get a lot of good stuff, fruits etc. and salad stuff so I can make huge salads for either lunch or supper. It's so crappy, I hate it! I don't want to feel like a whale and I am pretty close to feeling that way already. My stomach is still big from monkey and I'm only 9 weeks. I shouldn't be showing yet should I? I am so embarrassed to leave the house let along have to go to work. This time around work has been super exhausting since I can't sleep in till whenever like I was able to with Monkey. Being prego with a little one and working afternoons really sucks!! 6 months plus a week to go :(

I hate days like this!

I feel like I am going to have a break down today. I was unhappy with my weight to begin with and really it wouldn't be so horrible if my belly was flatter but I still looked prego to myself before I got pregnant again. I still had the stupid tummy. It still sticks out sooo much and I hate how I look in profile view because of it. I am only 8 weeks I definitely should not be showing yet! On top of that I have gained weight (I know I'm going to gain but being at the weight I am now is depressing). I still had about 25-30 pounds to lose from Monkey! I want to try and minimize how much I gain but I still have a lot of months to get through before I reach that highest number. I don't want to be there already in 2 more months. I feel like I don't have enough time in the day to workout, clean house, watch monkey and have some me time as well. I am going to lose it soon. I just want to cry. I can't stop eating either. It was the same before when I was trying to lose weight and working afternoons. I eat a bunch during the day because I don't want to be starving by my first break and then I eat more because I am starving anyways and I am famished by the time I get home afterwards. I don't think eating before bed is a good idea. I have no idea what to do! I know I can't lose weight now but I need to try and stop gaining so quickly. I can't wait till this baby is born and I can go to weight watchers to lose the weight! I should have done that after Monkey and then I wouldn't be in this depressive state right now. I feel like a fatass and I hate it. The sweater I wear to work doesn't make my belly look any better either.  I feel hopeless and I don't know what to do. I think I ate to much today as well :( this is so depressing!! I'm sure this is normal with expecting mothers but I wasn't like this before monkey but probably because I was at a healthy weight range for my height. blah :(

Depressed...

I'm just waiting to go to work. I am so tired of afternoons it's not even funny. I am usually always put on the same job which gets old really fast. Not that it's too bad but I have no energy lately (even though that has been true off and on for awhile now, maybe even back before Christmas) so I just don't want to be there. The sucky thing is I just want a few days to do NOTHING and not have to leave the apartment at all for anything. I probably would need an even longer time than a few days but a few days is mostly what I have. I feel like I have been running on empty for a long time.

I really wish that I was on days. It would be so much better for the both of us, especially Chris. I miss seeing him and it's starting to be a really big drag. I really don't see me getting on day shift anytime soon which sucks. Just thinking of working on the opposite shift for x many more months really exhausts me. Plus I get nothing done around the apartment. I wake up too late, but I need that sleep, and then have at the most three hours to do whatever. The last thing I want to do is clean for three hours before work. So yeah.

I am looking forward to the next long weekend. Three day weekend for the win. My birthday is coming up in two weeks also. I have no idea what to do for it. I'm sure we will go for supper and then do nothing. Really what else is there to do. Chris will leave it up to me which yeah like I can think of anything to do. Life sucks.

This whole prego thing sucks ass to. That's another thing how can we start a family when by the time we are both home we are both to tired to try? I am hoping I am now but not knowing is annoying. I won't know until I am late on my period. Then if I do get my period you know how disappointed I will be. It just makes everything seem so impossible. I feel so freaking hopeless it sucks....

3:13 pm

Chris just called and is on his way to get me. I feel so exhausted right now I just want to collapse. I have been trying to not drink caffeine either since I don't think that is a good thing to be consuming a lot of when prego. Not that I know that I am or not. Although I have stopped drinking diet pop which is something I wanted to do for a long while! I basically have stopped eating things with aspartame in them as well - go me. I just wish I had some freaking energy!!!