mommy belly...

I remember around this time last year I was very self conscious about my belly because I still looked pregnant and Monkey was just turning one! I felt so crappy about myself and was so depressed!

This time around after Chloe was born of course my belly is the same way. Sure I know that losing weight will help with that and so far that has been a struggle although since the beginning of Jan I have lost almost 10 pounds. I still have about 50 or more to go so of course I feel like it is slow going.

Anyways sometime I randomly found out that my stomach bulge was due to a diastis recti which is the splitting of the stomach muscles. I have a 2 finger gap at the widest part near my belly button. I do have a bulge that comes out when I lay down to check the gap but I don't know if that is just my stomach fat/skin or if it is a hernia. It doesn't hurt ever so I am not sure. I will be asking the doctor next time we see him for Chlobug's next appointment. I am so happy though to know that repairing that split will help me get my flat stomach back! No mummy belly for me! I am so glad that I came across this information though! You are supposed to strengthen those muscles first, close the gap and then you can go and do your stomach crunches etc. I would have just jumped into all exercises including crunches and wonder why it was not getting any better or possible worse! Even when I was at my lowest weight I still had a bit of a pouch and I know wonder if I did have a gap then as well? The hardest part is going to be not slouching anymore. I guess that can make it worse as well. I really can't wait to be able to do Pilate's or something like that again, hopefully soon.

baby well visit

We had Chlobug's baby well visit last thrus. She had to get her first needles and I was so nervous. I hated watching Monkey get them done and wasn't looking forward to getting Chlobug started. I have to say it is a pain in the butt dragging two kids anywhere in the middle of winter, especially when one is a toddler so you have to carry her as well. The stroller would have been a pain in the butt just to put Monkey in it for a few minutes. This was almost like when we took both of them to the furniture store! Not FUN at all since we were there so long and waiting for them to approve us buying a bedroom set. Mental note on that one - get a babysitter! Anyways,  my winter jacket still doesn't fit properly either so having to carry the baby car seat and a diaper bag with a jacket that doesn't do up really is annoying.

When we first got there we saw the nurse first who weighed and measured her. She even asked me if I was okay with getting the vaccinations which I thought was awesome. We have no problems with them since we think it is good for her to be vaccinated. There were two needles and the first dosage of that one medicine that a few years ago was not fully covered. We had to get her to drink that one though. Chris took care of that and held her during the needles. Monkey was happier then anything watching toopy and binoo on youtube. She didn't even glance around when Chlobug started crying due to her vaccinations lol. That actually was a relief since it might have been even more stressful for me. Chloe is a trooper she cried for a few minutes and that was it even though she had a needle in each leg poor thing. I had made some formula so Chris fed her some of that afterwards and she was content. Then the only thing I was nervous about was if she reacted in anyway to the shots (which she didn't thankfully). I also managed to get a few bottles of infant Tylenol which is nice since I didn't have to go out and purchase any. We didn't need to use any anyways which was good, but it is always nice to have some in the house just in case.

After that the Doctor came in to check her, listened to her lungs and heart. We talked about a few things that I was worried/curious about. Her hands and feet looking mottled from time to time and her eyelids turning red. He said that was nothing to worry about and just due to an immature system.

We also talked about depression and post partum depression at length. I felt stupid as shit mentioning it but I knew I needed to. I hate taking medicine though so I opted to see if it gets better before trying to take something for it. It never was always everyday but it gets annoying after awhile. I also  seemed to fear that something bad would happen in certain spots of the house (mostly near the stairs) and I would avoid those areas or be very cautious if I need to go near them. I also had fears of accidentally pouring hot water for tea on either of them when I am pouring some for myself. Or knocking a pot of boiling water on either of them. The stupid thing is any of what I mentioned above I would never do. It is not something I think about as I am doing it for example pouring myself tea. I wouldn't be holding Chlobug while I was doing that or have Monkey in the kitchen with me when I was doing that or boiling water on the stove for food. These fears are all happening during nursing Chlobug in the chair. It is so stupid and frustrating to sit there and worry about something that would never happen because I would never put either of them in that situation! My imagination is just picking the worst case scenario of what could happen at home and it gets frustrating because I sit there and worry about it!

 

Chlobug's next appointment is in 2 months (early April) so I will see how I am between that time to see if I need to try meds or talk to someone. It is surprising to me since that appointment I have had depression or things like that everyday. I never realized how often or whatever so I might give something a try. I sometimes am sitting on the couch nursing her and I feel nothing it sucks. Or I feel emty inside or angry or stressed about fixable stuff. UGH. At least the doctor was reassuring that this is pretty normal especially since I did just have a second baby.

So Saturday comes along when our nice new bedroom set is to be delivered. It is and they set it up. It is awesome I love it! I love how big it is, how nice it is and how comfy the mattress is!! I was so looking forward to sleeping in it as well. I was worried about bringing Chlobug to bed and nursing her due to a very brand new mattress and off gassing. We decided that I could still nurse lying down but watch TV to keep myself awake and return her to her cradle when I was done. Well then I walked into the bedroom and it stunk of new furniture/whatever it was painted with. This freaked me out and stressed me out. We argued a lot, I looked it up online and did not feel comfortable having Chlobug in there. We opened both windows wide open and circulated the air from the furnace and hoped that it would get rid of the smell. So we didn't sleep in our new bed yet :( She has been sleeping in the playpen and us on a mattress on the living room floor. I also placed vineger in the room and some baking soda to hopefully take the smell away. Today (mon) it still smells but not as bad I don't think.

Yesterday I had so many solutions going through my head like we would have to put Chlobug in Monkey's room and I would have to go get her and nurse her in the hallway or in the front room or we would have to lock the cats in the basement (which we did the last two nights and they spent the night banging on the door and meowing :( ) and leave our door open and have her cradle just outside our doorway in the hallway. I have no idea what we are going to do! I just want to sleep in our new bed DAMMIT!

fun times of parenting

I feel really down today for some reason. Last night I fed the munchkin at about 20 to 11 and by 11:20 Chris and I were getting ready for bed. I hate night time now because it's always a struggle to get Chlobug to sleep. All I have to look forward to then is a few hours of sleep, sometimes 4 or 5 if I am lucky, before she gets me up to nurse her again and then it's another fight to get her back to sleep. Last night we decided to put on a cd that is a recorded sound of a real moms heart beat. I don't know if it was that or what but she went into the cradle without to much problem. I was shocked! She did wake me up about 2.5 hours later though which sucked but to my surprise she would only eat off one side. No matter what I did to get her to wake up a little bit or enough to latch on the other side she wouldn't. I finally gave up and decided that if she woke up then I would just have to get back up to feed her on the other side. I was able to set her down with no problems! It was amazing! She woke again around 6am and I just nursed her in bed while laying down. I find I can get a bit more rest that way but it really kills my back when I do it since I keep myself completely rigid so I don't move at all. I guess because I am afraid of squashing her or something. It beats having to drag myself out of bed to nurse her though. Our bed really isn't that big either so there really is no room to move.

Last night was just SO perfect since I got decent amount of sleep. I was also then able to nurse her in the chair at 7:30am and not have her screaming her head off while I try to get monkey up. I was able to dress monkey and fed her oatmeal and eat myself without Chlobug screaming. She then took a 3 hour nap and when she woke up she was content and just looked around for a while. It was so weird!

So my day started out perfect but it didn't stay that way unfortunately.  Not long after I got monkey dressed and was making her oatmeal in the kitchen my perfect day went to shit. I didn't hear monkey come into the kitchen and when I turned from pouring water into the oatmeal to get a spoon I bumped into her. She went flying down on her bum with this shocked look on her face. I was frozen with probably a look of horror on my face because I couldn't do anything to stop it it happened so quick. That wasn't even the worse part. After she landed on her butt she flew backwards and banged her head off the floor. I don't know if it was my face cringing or her shock and her hitting her head but she started screaming! I felt so horrid. I picked her up and consoled her until she calmed down. God I felt so horrible and couldn't stop saying sorry to her. So once she was calm I put her down got the rest of her breakfast ready then put her in her highchair. While I was pushing up the sleeves on her dress I hit the tray which I thought was locked into place. Turns out it wasn't and it went flying to the floor with a bang,  which made her scream again. I think the loud bang scared her so much that of course she started screaming again. So I picked her up again and tried to calm her down again. What a horrible horrible morning. She finally did calm down and ate her breakfast and all was well thankfully. Geeez!!

Ttoday since it was sort of warm in here I decided to put a onesie on her, which I was always to afraid to do with Monkey because her neck was so wobbly. Chlobug seems to have better head control and I am more confident so I put it on her, put her in her swing after I nursed her with a blanket under her and she was fine for a bit. Unfortunately eventually she started screaming so when I went to get her I discovered that she had a really bad poop that soaked the front of her. It was on the burp cloth on top of her and on her new fuzzy blanket. No wonder why she was screaming. when I picked her up she was soaked all the way up her back to. I was like seriously!! The ONE time I put her in a onesie and this is what happens. That is the way my luck rolls I guess. lol. It wasn't even one that snaps in the front it had to go over her head. There was just sooo MUCH poop! and everywhere as I discovered when I opened up her diaper. That wasn't fun trying to get the onesie off of her without getting poop everywhere! I just put her in warm jammies again since it was getting chilling in the great room again. 

What a DAY!!

Can I say 'I hate nursing' again?

It's so hard now to find time to journal which really sucks because I feel like so much has happened and I have forgotten to write it down.

Monkey during the holidays drank from the plastic orange shot glass Chris uses to give her some juice by herself for the first time. There wasn't to much left in it but we were both amazed that she was able to do it herself a bit. Although when he tried it again she ended up spilling a lot on her but it's a start. Shes been a pro at the sippy cup for along time now so it's abut time really but we will take it slow. She also surprised us last night when we were just finishing up supper. Chris had Chlobug in his arms while he was eating since she was crying and he asked me to get some pie for him. He spelled it out though 'can you get me some p-i-e please?', I was like okay but there isn't a lot left. We both did a double take when Monkey started saying iIwant some pie. Smartypants!

It was so nice to have Chris off for 1.5 weeks over Christmas. Near the end I was nursing Chlobug in bed in the morning to get some more rest and then we both slept in a couple of hours. I didn't have to worry about monkey since Chris was getting up with her. So it was nice to get some extra zzz's. I miss that, since I can't do that anymore because once monkey wakes up we all get up. We didn't go home for Christmas though which sucked but I was to nervous about having to drive there with Chlobug still only a few weeks old. Also being around so many people and having two suppers to go to etc was just to much for me. I was getting anxiety just thinking about it. Since I am nursing as well I just couldn't do it. I'm sure the stress would have killed my supply. It's sort of a good thing since it took  Monkey like 4 hours to open her presents. I don't think she yet understands the whole Christmas thing. So with a lot of coxing and help she finally opened all her gifts. Staying home was also good because it seemed like the baby was eating every hour. I think she probably was going through a growth spurt or something.

New years was the same, we just stayed home. I avoided watching anything new years related on TV so I wouldn't get depressed lol. I couldn't even have a drink at home since I am nursing.

Chlobug has been okay. She is nursing well aside from sometimes feeling like she is always hungry. This time around it is going better, since I am not afraid that she isn't getting enough. I am just finding that the constant nursing and holding her, that I have hardly any time for Monkey and it makes me really sad. I am probably going to be weaning Chlobug earlier then I did Monkey. Right now I am trying to get to 6 weeks and then maybe I will start. It is just to frustrating for me especially at night that I can't do anything since she just wants to eat all the time and always when I am trying to do something. It also takes a bit of time as well. I don't know I feel guilty though thinking about it. I would love to get to 3 months though but the night time feedings are hard. I guess I might try just bottle feeding her in the middle of the night instead? It's really hard to get her to go to sleep at night since like monkey, she always wakes up when we set her down in the cradle. Sometimes she does go to sleep but most of the time not and then after an hour or so of trying to get her to sleep I drag myself out of bed to nurse again. Then in the middle of the night it's the same thing she is dead asleep at the end of the nursing session but as soon as she is in that cradle she wakes up and cries forever. I really don't know if it will be any different with formula but at least then it won't take as long. I don't know what to do since I feel guilty thinking about it but seriously I want my body back I want to be able to go somewhere and not have to rush home in less then an hour. I have only went out once since I came home from the hospital and I went to Michael's craft store to get a few things.

so down lately..

4:15pm

 

I feel weird right now. I don't even know how to describe it. Chlobug is in her swing sleeping with her soother and Monkey is in her crib napping. It's getting dark in here already which makes me not want to do anything. Actually right now I would just love to crawl into a dark hole and disappear but I can't because have to take care of the kids - or even really laying down under the covers and listening to music and letting my mind fly away. The last few days I have been taking a long hot shower to have a little time to myself after Chris gets home. I really just feel hopeless and lost and I am sick of worrying about if Chlobug is going to be okay. She ate really shitty a few days ago and then was breathing really weird all day long and part of the night. She randomly has been making these weird noises as well. I don't even know how to describe it, it's like she is going to choke on her spit but stops breathing and then a few moments later she is fine. I don't know whether I should be concerned and take her to the doctor or what. I really hate that her next appointment is Feb 7th. That is over 6 weeks away! I thought babies were checked over more often especially if they are breast fed.?She has been pooping enough and peeing decently but the last few days again she has been having trouble latching. I don't know why? She also is spitting up a lot to which after the air comes out and the spit up she just wants to eat again. I am getting tired of feeling like a milk cow or something. She is eating 12 times a day. I hope it gets better because I don't know how long I can go on like this. I am so afraid of dealing with the constant plugged ducts again.

I really wish that Chris was home right now though. I need to take a break from everything. A nice hot shower sounds wonderful to me right now. I hate winter and it's dark at 4:30. Chris always seems to get home really late as well. I'm so behind in everything and I really just wish all this weight from both pregnancies was gone. The worst is I really can't even work out yet since I am only two weeks post partum.

Also Chlobugs belly button thing fell off on the 8th and since then there is always dried blood in her belly button. I hope it's normal but it gets on the inside of her jammies or on my clothes when I am feeding her. We gave her her first bath in the actual bath tub on the weekend and we wiped the blood out but there were more crusties there again soon after. She doesn't like the bath at all. She screamed her head off every time so far. UGH I don't think I can handle this much longer. I think everything would be better if I was just formula feeding her. A lot of the stress would be off me and Chris would be able to help with the overnight feedings. But I have this mommies guilt since I stuck it out with Monkey for almost 7 months. I also don't want to regret stopping either. This time around it's not so bad it just sucks feeding her after dark and at night. Although she for the most part sleeps for at least 4 hours overnight. Still though I hate getting up in the middle of the night and being cold to feed her. She obviously is getting enough though since she is peeing enough and these are nice heavy diapers so I don't know what to think. I hope it gets better soon though. I hate to think that maybeIi am suffering a bit from post partum depression!

tired again..it's a pattern I think...

I'm not really looking forward to going into work tonight. I mean I keep going back and forth between if I should or not.  I definately feel better then most days so I probably will make myself. I probably will also kick my ass and regret it half way through. The shifts are so long and boring it sucks. All I want to do is stay home, relax, clean and work on my story! My birthday is next week as well which sucks :( I don't want to get a year older.

Is it the weekend yet? I'm so exhausted with all that needs to be done that nothing is getting done and that also sucks! I just want to feel okay otherwise it's going to be a really long f'n 6 months! On another note I weighed myself before taking a shower today and I was happy to see that I really haven't gained to much weight in the almost 3 months of the first trimester so that makes me really happy. I still wish I was back to my normal weight before I got prego again but at least this time I have a plan to lose the weight after this one is born and actually have the motivation to do it. I seriously really hate my under arm flab :( and why are all girl tshirts so freakin short in the sleeve department! I mean I hate the tops of my arms and unless I want to feel like big block of person wearing guys tshirts, the sleeves just show to much top arm :( you can never win!!
I know I need to stop whining.

So exhausted...

Omg I am so freaking exhausted today. I had a feeling that by the end of the week I would be like this. I really wish I didn't have to work so I could take a long nap when Chris gets home from work. I have a headache and that will only get worse when I get to work and have to wear my safety glasses and being under the flourescent lights. Ugh 8 more hours till the weekend. :( At least tommarrow I can sleep in a bit!

I am also still freaking out about weight gain. I want to keep it to a min since I dont want to go over what I was at the worst at the end of the last pregnancy but I am like famished all the time!! This weekend we need to get a lot of good stuff, fruits etc. and salad stuff so I can make huge salads for either lunch or supper. It's so crappy, I hate it! I don't want to feel like a whale and I am pretty close to feeling that way already. My stomach is still big from monkey and I'm only 9 weeks. I shouldn't be showing yet should I? I am so embarrassed to leave the house let along have to go to work. This time around work has been super exhausting since I can't sleep in till whenever like I was able to with Monkey. Being prego with a little one and working afternoons really sucks!! 6 months plus a week to go :(

I hate days like this!

I feel like I am going to have a break down today. I was unhappy with my weight to begin with and really it wouldn't be so horrible if my belly was flatter but I still looked prego to myself before I got pregnant again. I still had the stupid tummy. It still sticks out sooo much and I hate how I look in profile view because of it. I am only 8 weeks I definitely should not be showing yet! On top of that I have gained weight (I know I'm going to gain but being at the weight I am now is depressing). I still had about 25-30 pounds to lose from Monkey! I want to try and minimize how much I gain but I still have a lot of months to get through before I reach that highest number. I don't want to be there already in 2 more months. I feel like I don't have enough time in the day to workout, clean house, watch monkey and have some me time as well. I am going to lose it soon. I just want to cry. I can't stop eating either. It was the same before when I was trying to lose weight and working afternoons. I eat a bunch during the day because I don't want to be starving by my first break and then I eat more because I am starving anyways and I am famished by the time I get home afterwards. I don't think eating before bed is a good idea. I have no idea what to do! I know I can't lose weight now but I need to try and stop gaining so quickly. I can't wait till this baby is born and I can go to weight watchers to lose the weight! I should have done that after Monkey and then I wouldn't be in this depressive state right now. I feel like a fatass and I hate it. The sweater I wear to work doesn't make my belly look any better either.  I feel hopeless and I don't know what to do. I think I ate to much today as well :( this is so depressing!! I'm sure this is normal with expecting mothers but I wasn't like this before monkey but probably because I was at a healthy weight range for my height. blah :(