so down lately..

4:15pm

 

I feel weird right now. I don't even know how to describe it. Chlobug is in her swing sleeping with her soother and Monkey is in her crib napping. It's getting dark in here already which makes me not want to do anything. Actually right now I would just love to crawl into a dark hole and disappear but I can't because have to take care of the kids - or even really laying down under the covers and listening to music and letting my mind fly away. The last few days I have been taking a long hot shower to have a little time to myself after Chris gets home. I really just feel hopeless and lost and I am sick of worrying about if Chlobug is going to be okay. She ate really shitty a few days ago and then was breathing really weird all day long and part of the night. She randomly has been making these weird noises as well. I don't even know how to describe it, it's like she is going to choke on her spit but stops breathing and then a few moments later she is fine. I don't know whether I should be concerned and take her to the doctor or what. I really hate that her next appointment is Feb 7th. That is over 6 weeks away! I thought babies were checked over more often especially if they are breast fed.?She has been pooping enough and peeing decently but the last few days again she has been having trouble latching. I don't know why? She also is spitting up a lot to which after the air comes out and the spit up she just wants to eat again. I am getting tired of feeling like a milk cow or something. She is eating 12 times a day. I hope it gets better because I don't know how long I can go on like this. I am so afraid of dealing with the constant plugged ducts again.

I really wish that Chris was home right now though. I need to take a break from everything. A nice hot shower sounds wonderful to me right now. I hate winter and it's dark at 4:30. Chris always seems to get home really late as well. I'm so behind in everything and I really just wish all this weight from both pregnancies was gone. The worst is I really can't even work out yet since I am only two weeks post partum.

Also Chlobugs belly button thing fell off on the 8th and since then there is always dried blood in her belly button. I hope it's normal but it gets on the inside of her jammies or on my clothes when I am feeding her. We gave her her first bath in the actual bath tub on the weekend and we wiped the blood out but there were more crusties there again soon after. She doesn't like the bath at all. She screamed her head off every time so far. UGH I don't think I can handle this much longer. I think everything would be better if I was just formula feeding her. A lot of the stress would be off me and Chris would be able to help with the overnight feedings. But I have this mommies guilt since I stuck it out with Monkey for almost 7 months. I also don't want to regret stopping either. This time around it's not so bad it just sucks feeding her after dark and at night. Although she for the most part sleeps for at least 4 hours overnight. Still though I hate getting up in the middle of the night and being cold to feed her. She obviously is getting enough though since she is peeing enough and these are nice heavy diapers so I don't know what to think. I hope it gets better soon though. I hate to think that maybeIi am suffering a bit from post partum depression!

off to the hospital again..and the doctor..

(written 22/03/2013)

We went to see the lactation consultant at the hospital today. I really did not want to have to go and was sort of angry that I was just there the day before! This time I had to walk all the way up by myself and I was only 3 days after giving birth. That wasn't really fun but at least mom was still down so she watched the monkey. We also had to go to the doctors to get chlobug checked out which also was not fun either.

Anyways the consultant really helped me. She suggested using a simple sns system that did sort of what the nurse the day before did. This time it was a tube that was attached to a syringe. She just sucked up some formula (although she said of course I could use expressed milk as well but since I didn't have any with me we just used that) so we got the baby to latch then she slipped it into her mouth and every time she stopped nursing she pushed the plunger and then the baby would start eating again. I was so amazed! I couldn't help but think why the hell the other consultant that was at the hospital before not suggest this to me with monkey? This not only helped her to keep eating and thus not having to fight with her for hours on end at feeding time (which was really exhausting with monkey) but also stimulated my body to know that it needed to produce more milk. She said that we probably would only need to do that for a few days until she wasn't as sleepy as she was.

 

She also answered my question on how to know if you have a good latch. I mean I knew to look for the flanged lips but I hated that everything stated to get as much of the tissue in as possible. That always confused me because how do you know you have enough? She answered me but I had to specifically ask her that as long as the lips are flanged it is all good. I knew that if I hadn't asked again in a more direct fashion like that I would be at home worry constantly that she wasn't getting the proper amount or whatever. She gave us the simple sns kit and we were on our way. I felt like this time that nursing had to be better and I was totally confident but at the same time I didn't know if I wanted to do this. I set myself a goal of 6 weeks again first and see how it went.

Then we were off to the doctor. Everything was fine here. I really wish I could find where I wrote down how much she weighed. I need to find that because I know I have it somewhere along with her other measurements

the hospital stay and finally going home with our new little bean!

(writing this next part in march 21st so I forget a lot now)

I really wish that I would have wrote this down sooner then now but better late then never.

 

It was awesome that Chris was with me but he probably didn't get a lot of sleep. But neither did I so we were even. The baby kept us up that's for sure. I was nursing but I was feeling like it was going all wrong again and it was starting to hurt a lot. The night nurse said that she would put me on the list for the lactation consultant to come see me and it would probably be in the morning. The day nurse that came in checked my latch and said that it was fine but I looked down and didn't see how she thought that. It turns out because she thought it was good she told the lactation consultant not to bother coming to see me! I mean when I heard that I was a little mad! I guess I can understand that she was already booked solid but still!! Please don't make that judgement for me especially when I was having nipple pain and had so much trouble the first time around AND I was not confident at all.

It was hard to get in and out of bed and go to the washroom which is to be expected and it really sucks! I hate this part. I probably would have had an easier time nursingif I could sit up properly and not have my back like totally killing me and not being able to shift to much. I had my nursing pillow this time as well and lots of pillows around me.Another good thing about having a private room (and ours was at the end of the hallway which was even better) was that I felt comfortable with taking a shower and not worrying that someone else needed to use the bathroom! It was SOOO nice!

We didn't bring that much stuff with us like the last time and we still didn't really use to much. We didn't bother even to get phone in my room or TV. Although honestly this time around maybe the TV would have made time go by a bit faster. It really wasn't fun sitting staring at the wall all day long.

The next day (monday), Chris went home to get mom and monkey. We wanted monkey to meet her little sister before we brought her home. On the way back Chris stopped at little Caesars and bought a few pizza's. They were way better then the hospital food! I did try to eat my meals that they gave me as much as possible since I hate wasting food but they were pretty gross and very bland. It was a good visit and I was so happy to see monkey. I missed her terribly and I don't know if it was partly after birth hormones or post partum depression but the night before I was extremely sad and depressed since I knew that our relationship would change. I wouldn't have all the time in the world to focus just on her, and I missed that she used to bring me books to read during the day and want to sit on me when I read them. I missed her cute little face soo much. So I was so happy to see her when Chris brought her in with mom. I was still pretty sad watching her play in the room though. I was afraid that she was going to feel abandoned once we were all home considering all the time I would need to focus on the baby. We also weren't really sure how she was going to react to the baby because we didn't think she understood at all that we were having another baby. She just sort of looked at her and really wasn't to sure about her at all. Then she just ignored her lol.

 

This day was long and I knew that the night was going to be long as well. I was relieved when they finally took my IV out so I could move around easier! Not that I did much of that but still. Chris took mom and monkey home and then came back. We tried to get as much sleep as possible but it wasn't that easy to do so. The next morning (the 4th) is when I found out the day nurse had told the lactation consultant not to bother coming to my room, but she did see if she had time available for me the next day (wed). Luckily there was.

The baby passed all her testing and the milking of the foot for blood wasn't as bad as it was with monkey for which I was thankful. I was still having trouble with nursing and getting really frustrated. The baby was starting to fall asleep and stop nursing just like monkey did. There was no way I was going to be able to spend that much time with the baby as I did with Monkey. The day nurse was amazing though and I really wish I remembered her name.

 

They had a girl there that was learning taking my blood pressure etc and she went and got the nurse when I asked if she was coming around sometime because I was having troubles. She was so amazing. She saw what I meant when I said she was falling asleep almost immediately and went and got some sugar water or something and showed us that when she stopped nursing to drop a drop in the corner of her mouth and she would start again. It worked so well I was so relieved!! She said that we could also use some sterilized water as well when we got home. She spent a lot of time with me before we were released. I told her about the troubles with nursing monkey and how stressful it was. She told me that often times people are to hard on themselves and give up because they feel like the baby is getting nothing when in fact it is because they were so stressed to begin with. Stress effects your milk supply. She was like I am going to make a suggestion and it's only a suggestion and I always make sure I say this now because she said she got in trouble once for saying it. But she said I could always nurse the baby then give her an oz of formula or expressed breast milk (if possible) a few times a day so that you know that she is getting something. Just until my milk comes in or even for a few days after that. I was like holy crap why didn't I think of that? I mean I would have literally went home and suffered through it the way I did with monkey and get so stressed out about it that my milk supply probably would suffer again. We talked about other things but she made me feel so hopeful that I could actually do this. She was like you know what before you leave and since I know how the baby has been nursing I would feel more comfortable if before you go that you feed her a bit of formula. She was like it is just a suggestion but said  it would make her feel better and probably me as well. I was like you know what yes lets do that. I was told that the baby was a bit jaundice around this time to and that was another reason why I was OK with feeding her a bit of formula to help flush it out of her system. I was told that she was a bit jaundice offhand and not like just so you know she is a bit I mean seriously!!! I wouldn't have known that she was you know!? I don't even want to think about what would have happened if she wasn't getting enough fluids or whatever, and got worse and I didn't notice or something!! 

Chris fed her a bit from the bottle the nurse gave us. I cant remember how much maybe 10-15mls? But I felt honestly felt SO much better. It felt like forever before we actually left the hospital and this time at the desk we asked about a wheel chair. They seem to not have very many there for some reason? I mean do they actually think that people can make it all the way down to the pick up area after giving birth?? I did make it the last time but I almost passed out in the process and it's hard to walk really slowly because you feel so stupid! The walk is pretty far as well. The helpful nurse found one and wheeled me down while Chris carried the baby. I then waited inside while he went with the baby to get the car. Even that much tired me out! But I was SO happy to be home and able to sleep in my own bed.

It's TIME!!!

(This was written Dec 11th 2012 :)

So I woke up at 4am with what I figured was contractions. I didn't wake Chris up just yet though. I kept timing them. They seemed to be coming every 3 mins pretty regularly. They were not to intense yet I could still talk through them but they weren't the nicest feeling at all. Finally I woke him and said I think I'm in labour. So he timed a few. I wasn't sure if I should call mom yet but since they were pretty steady and if I called her then she might be up in here before we had to leave for the hospital. Chris got me the cell phone and I called her and she said she would be on her way in a few minutes. I got up a few minutes later to go to the washroom and I was bleeding like mega. This freaked me out. I knew that you could get a bloody show along with losing your mucus plug but I wasn't sure how much blood you would lose. I was freaked out by the amount that I was bleeding so we decided to head to the hospital. So I called mom back and told her we were going to go there and we would have to bring monkey with us. Thankfully I had my bags packed already so we gathered all the stuff I needed to bring, then got monkey up. We just put her in her winter jacket in her PJ's and made sure she had a few blankets on her as well. We had the stroller in the trunk already so that wasn't a problem. I felt so bad for having to drag her out of bed. :(

Unfortunately when we got to the hospital it was freaking raining out! We had a few mins of walking to get to the entrance as well which sucked. We draped one of the blankets over the stroller to keep her dry as possible and went in. She was actually pretty good! She had at least 8 hours of sleep by the time we woke up so she wasn't cranky or anything. All my stress for nothing. She was sort of half asleep for awhile so just sat in the stroller and watched us. The nurses hooked me up to the monitors and asked a bunch of questions. Basically eventually they said the baby looked fine and that I could go home and come back when the contractions got were I had a hard time ignoring them. She said it was up to me though and that most people like to go home for a few hours and then come back since that way they can rest and eat something. I was so tempted to stay but I also wanted to be able to eat something so I decided to go home and come back. Thankfully by the time we were ready to leave Tam called on the phone and said they were in the parking lot. I told them I was going home for a bit so we would meet them there.

My contractions were getting worse by the time we got home but they still weren't that bad. They were just uncomfortable. This morning was surreal I have to say, since I spent so much time freaking out about labour, going into labour, when it was going to happen, what we would do with monkey etc and now it was here and I wasn't stressed about any of that. It just seemed natural. I ate a bagel and cream cheese then decided to go lay down on the bed since it was more comfortable then sitting on a chair out with everyone. Eventually though they were getting to bad that I felt like I just wanted to be at the hospital and that way I could relax since I didn't want to be almost giving birth and being stuck in traffic on the way or something.

So we went back and Mom and Tam watched monkey at the house for us. I was hooked up to the monitoring machines again. The doctor on that day wasn't my doctor but she was pretty nice. She was the same one that was there when I went in for my leg being swollen. I was admitted and got to pick my room. They said that the huge room with two wall of windows was open or room 3 which was smaller. I walked into the big one and was like umm nope lol. I felt like everyone and there uncle could see in! The nurse said most people think the same thing and go for the smaller room. The nurse went to get the tub ready while we went to the room and Chris and the doctor in training brought our stuff in. She was super nice as well.

So we got settled in our birthing room while we waited for the tub to be ready. Thankfully they waited until I was out of the tub before putting my IV in. Being in the tub again was nice!! It was super hot though which worried me but it was nice to sit in it for awhile. Like last time though even though I wish I could have stayed in there the whole time I started to get really hot and just wanted to get out.

So when I got back into my room the IV was put in by the doc in training. The nurse put a couple of emla patches on the back of my hands since the doc in training (I cant remember her name) was going to do it. She has done it before but needed more practice. OMG it hurt like hell and I swear she was like pushing the needle in but sideways. I don't even know but my hand really hurt by the time she was done. I made the mistake of looking at one point since afterwards the doc commented that I looked better and that I went pretty white at one point. lol.

After this it was pretty much a waiting game. Pretty much right after I got into the room and had my IV in we talked about an epidural and she said that they would call it down and get the stuff set up for the doc when he came. I am so glad for that since my contractions were getting worse and it was all I could do to get through them. I was pretty close to tears a few times and it was so hard to breath. I had Chris's hands every time it peaked but that really didn't help. I was SO FREAKING RELIEVED WHEN they said he was there. I had asked one of the nurses when we first went in the wee hours of the morning how long you would have to wait. She said usually from the time it was called down it was about 20 mins and it rarely goes for an hour. It never goes longer then an hour. Well I tell you my luck it was an hour wait. Like I said I was never more relieved when they said that he was there. I remember at one point one of the nurses came in and said he should be here soon it usually never takes this long. I remember one said that he was in the ER or something which made me cringe because who knew how long it would be then. The few contractions that I had while he was doing it still sucked ass but at least I knew pain relief was on its way. The contractions just got less and less painful and finally went away. I think it must have been close to 2pm at this time. Chris was thinking of going to get food and I told him that he better go then since the last time I had an epidural it seemed like after I had it the rest of my labour went quickly. So he started to leave but ran into Mom and his mom in the hallway. They came in and talked to me for a few moments then went to go get something to eat. I thought Chris would get food and come back but he ended up eating with them.

 

Of course 10 mins after he left and the nurses left I started feeling pressure. I had no idea what to do since hello I can't get out of bed! I couldn't find the call button at first. I tried the one that was on the bed railing but that didn't work. I was starting to panic and I just happened to look far enough to my left up on my pillow and I saw the red button. Instant relief! I guess I could have started yelling if I got that desperate. So someone came in and said I was okay. She checked to make sure baby wasn't there lol. The pressure just got worse and worse though. I thought it was bad to not push when you felt that though? Guess not because it seemed like a long time before they told me to push.

The nurse that was looking after me eventually came in and said that she wanted to see how I would do pushing so we did a few. Then left to go tell the doctor I guess. Chris was back at some point. Then it was just a matter of waiting for them to come back and get me to push again. She did have to give me a bit of pitocin I think because once I started actively pushing the pressure started to back off. The little bit helped get it going again. So I pushed for I don't know how long, maybe 20 mins? At this time I think both docs were there. I remember the nurse helping the head come out.  I guess all of a sudden the head was out they screamed for me to stop pushing. I looked up and the one doc in training like whipped her sweater off and threw it against the window while the nurse ran to get her a gown. I guess they didn't expect the baby to come out that fast. After that it was really small tiny pushes and the baby slide right out. They clamped the cord and got Chris to cut it. The one doc in training said something about she is a cutie. I looked at Chris and was like is it a girl? He was like yep.

They didn't have to take her away so they put her up on my chest. All I could think about was how tiny her bum was in my hand and how sticky she was. But it was nice to cuddle like that for a bit. They did have to do some repairs though so it was a bit of a wait with stitching again. I don't think the tear was as bad as last time though. They eventually took her to weigh her and she was 7lbs 11 oz. One pound lighter then monkey. I tried nursing for a bit before we were going to go tell mom and Chris's mom. They decided to bring me to our private room before shift change. I guess usually they wait until after because it was so close to shift change but decided to do it before. So I got a wheel chair ride down and seen Chris's mom in the hallway. I think the one doc helped Chris with the bags again and him and my mom and his followed us to the room.

The bed I was put in was so comfortable at first! haha only at first after awhile it felt hard as a rock! But it was nice to be laying down again and not in the ward room. Chris's mom said that when she saw the nurse wheel me past she though she saw blue on the blanket and thought that we had a boy but nope lol. The blanket was standard and had both a blue and pink strip. They were excited to meet their new granddaughter though. It was also really nice to have Chris there with me and to help me. I also found the nurses to be nicer or more helpful or something then when I was in the ward room for some reason. But maybe that was only because the nurses I had themselves were nicer.

Anxiety, it is getting so close!

I had my doctors appointment on thrus (nov 29th). everything seemed good, the scale is still around 220 (yuck!!!) and babies heart rate was at 140 which he said was also good. I guess I was only 1 cm dilated so he did a membrane sweep, which really wasn't not fun at all! Thankfully that is over with. So we scheduled an appointment for next friday. He said if I make it to that one then we would talk about how to proceed. I keep thinking this baby will come on the 8th but who knows. I am so ready to not be pregnant anymore since its uncomfortable and tiring walking or standing to much and trying to sleep. But I am still freaking out about actual going into labour and delivering. Plus I probably will be stuck at the hospital for a few days. The only good thing with that is we are getting a private room so that might make it better. Although 200 a day sucks ass.

After the appointment we went to pick up monkeys Christmas photos since they were in. Unfortunately there was only one girl there and she was taking photos so I had to wait for like 10 mins. I normally wouldn't have cared but I am 39 weeks pregnant, I was starting to overheat and I really just wanted to go home! Plus I was super tired since the night before we went to bed late, then I had a pain in my left side that went away but came back 30 mins later and it was horrible! It might have been the way I was sleeping.  But I was uneasy sleep because I was wondering if I was going to go into labour then. No such luck.

Yesterday when I got up for the day I was thinking about monkeys pictures and sure enough they didn't give us our freaking Christmas cards that came with the package we bought. Everything else was there though. I called and they said just to come get them. I was annoyed though since I didn't want to have to go back there especially this close to my due date!

Thankfully Chris went there today. It was nice that I didn't have to leave the house. He said that the line up was insane in there so it took him a bit to get to the cash to ask about the cards. Still hello! thanks for giving them to me when I went there the first time! shesh.

I think I might be losing the mucas plug though, hopefully that means that my cervix is softening! I wish labour was over with. I don't know how I am going to be able to handle a new baby and monkey as well. Chris mentioned the other day that he wished that he had that extra week of holidays now to take after I had the baby. I now agree as well although it was nice to have that week off together in August even though I was to tired to do anything much. My anxiety keeps going up and down :( I just want to meet the new little bean and have this horrible delivery part over with!! lol

10:30 pm:  It still seems like I am losing my mucus plug, some still tinged with blood. I have been having more intense braxton hicks contractions I guess. Not painful but still uncomfortable. I'm so not ready for this. The worst is, is that it's night time! I don't want to have to get mom to drive up here in the middle of the night. I hope if it comes down to that my sister will come with her! :( The anxiety of possibly having to bring monkey to the hospital is starting to suck and I have no idea when to call mom? Like if they keep happening of course but what happens if they aren't as intense or I don't get anymore do I wait or just call her and see what she thinks? I would have for her to have to drive all the way up here for nothing. At least if she comes up she will be here just in case, but then I might be okay tomorrow then she would have to go home and come up again? ahhh this sucks I hate once again being so far away from them!!