mommy belly...

I remember around this time last year I was very self conscious about my belly because I still looked pregnant and Monkey was just turning one! I felt so crappy about myself and was so depressed!

This time around after Chloe was born of course my belly is the same way. Sure I know that losing weight will help with that and so far that has been a struggle although since the beginning of Jan I have lost almost 10 pounds. I still have about 50 or more to go so of course I feel like it is slow going.

Anyways sometime I randomly found out that my stomach bulge was due to a diastis recti which is the splitting of the stomach muscles. I have a 2 finger gap at the widest part near my belly button. I do have a bulge that comes out when I lay down to check the gap but I don't know if that is just my stomach fat/skin or if it is a hernia. It doesn't hurt ever so I am not sure. I will be asking the doctor next time we see him for Chlobug's next appointment. I am so happy though to know that repairing that split will help me get my flat stomach back! No mummy belly for me! I am so glad that I came across this information though! You are supposed to strengthen those muscles first, close the gap and then you can go and do your stomach crunches etc. I would have just jumped into all exercises including crunches and wonder why it was not getting any better or possible worse! Even when I was at my lowest weight I still had a bit of a pouch and I know wonder if I did have a gap then as well? The hardest part is going to be not slouching anymore. I guess that can make it worse as well. I really can't wait to be able to do Pilate's or something like that again, hopefully soon.

Monkeyness

Monkey to her sock monkey: "whats wrong?" and as she places the monkey on the edge of something she says "don't fall down" then he "falls". She makes him jump the floor. Then talks to him laying on the ground. I can't really make out what she is saying here though, but this is repeated over and over again in different places in the front room . lol.

Monkey sayings

Monkey said two funny things so far today.

Chris was looking at the directions on the no name pancake box because he was going to make pancakes. He was leaning on the kitchen counter. Monkey comes in and says "mmm looks good" (it's a bright yellow box with big black letters lol)

 

Then she was over by the playpen that is next to the tv stand and was trying to get in between them to get her "vacuum". You know that thing that has the balls that pop when you push it around? I went over there and said 'No monkey not now can you go play with something else? (I had just put Chlo-bug in her swing for her nap since I just fed her and she fell asleep). She stopped and looked at me and said "Why not?" I was shocked since she answered me and was trying not to laugh since she just didn't say it, she said it in a deep voice "WHYYY noot!" haha so funny!

Then Chris and Monkey were playing in the front room and she discovered a small spider in her bumbo chair (which actually creeps me out since I hate spiders). She was watching it and at one point it got out and she couldn't find it anymore and said "where'd you go spider!"

I guess it might be hard to get across just how cute anything she says is now since anyone reading this can't really hear her say it. She has the cutest little voice!

baby well visit

We had Chlobug's baby well visit last thrus. She had to get her first needles and I was so nervous. I hated watching Monkey get them done and wasn't looking forward to getting Chlobug started. I have to say it is a pain in the butt dragging two kids anywhere in the middle of winter, especially when one is a toddler so you have to carry her as well. The stroller would have been a pain in the butt just to put Monkey in it for a few minutes. This was almost like when we took both of them to the furniture store! Not FUN at all since we were there so long and waiting for them to approve us buying a bedroom set. Mental note on that one - get a babysitter! Anyways,  my winter jacket still doesn't fit properly either so having to carry the baby car seat and a diaper bag with a jacket that doesn't do up really is annoying.

When we first got there we saw the nurse first who weighed and measured her. She even asked me if I was okay with getting the vaccinations which I thought was awesome. We have no problems with them since we think it is good for her to be vaccinated. There were two needles and the first dosage of that one medicine that a few years ago was not fully covered. We had to get her to drink that one though. Chris took care of that and held her during the needles. Monkey was happier then anything watching toopy and binoo on youtube. She didn't even glance around when Chlobug started crying due to her vaccinations lol. That actually was a relief since it might have been even more stressful for me. Chloe is a trooper she cried for a few minutes and that was it even though she had a needle in each leg poor thing. I had made some formula so Chris fed her some of that afterwards and she was content. Then the only thing I was nervous about was if she reacted in anyway to the shots (which she didn't thankfully). I also managed to get a few bottles of infant Tylenol which is nice since I didn't have to go out and purchase any. We didn't need to use any anyways which was good, but it is always nice to have some in the house just in case.

After that the Doctor came in to check her, listened to her lungs and heart. We talked about a few things that I was worried/curious about. Her hands and feet looking mottled from time to time and her eyelids turning red. He said that was nothing to worry about and just due to an immature system.

We also talked about depression and post partum depression at length. I felt stupid as shit mentioning it but I knew I needed to. I hate taking medicine though so I opted to see if it gets better before trying to take something for it. It never was always everyday but it gets annoying after awhile. I also  seemed to fear that something bad would happen in certain spots of the house (mostly near the stairs) and I would avoid those areas or be very cautious if I need to go near them. I also had fears of accidentally pouring hot water for tea on either of them when I am pouring some for myself. Or knocking a pot of boiling water on either of them. The stupid thing is any of what I mentioned above I would never do. It is not something I think about as I am doing it for example pouring myself tea. I wouldn't be holding Chlobug while I was doing that or have Monkey in the kitchen with me when I was doing that or boiling water on the stove for food. These fears are all happening during nursing Chlobug in the chair. It is so stupid and frustrating to sit there and worry about something that would never happen because I would never put either of them in that situation! My imagination is just picking the worst case scenario of what could happen at home and it gets frustrating because I sit there and worry about it!

 

Chlobug's next appointment is in 2 months (early April) so I will see how I am between that time to see if I need to try meds or talk to someone. It is surprising to me since that appointment I have had depression or things like that everyday. I never realized how often or whatever so I might give something a try. I sometimes am sitting on the couch nursing her and I feel nothing it sucks. Or I feel emty inside or angry or stressed about fixable stuff. UGH. At least the doctor was reassuring that this is pretty normal especially since I did just have a second baby.

So Saturday comes along when our nice new bedroom set is to be delivered. It is and they set it up. It is awesome I love it! I love how big it is, how nice it is and how comfy the mattress is!! I was so looking forward to sleeping in it as well. I was worried about bringing Chlobug to bed and nursing her due to a very brand new mattress and off gassing. We decided that I could still nurse lying down but watch TV to keep myself awake and return her to her cradle when I was done. Well then I walked into the bedroom and it stunk of new furniture/whatever it was painted with. This freaked me out and stressed me out. We argued a lot, I looked it up online and did not feel comfortable having Chlobug in there. We opened both windows wide open and circulated the air from the furnace and hoped that it would get rid of the smell. So we didn't sleep in our new bed yet :( She has been sleeping in the playpen and us on a mattress on the living room floor. I also placed vineger in the room and some baking soda to hopefully take the smell away. Today (mon) it still smells but not as bad I don't think.

Yesterday I had so many solutions going through my head like we would have to put Chlobug in Monkey's room and I would have to go get her and nurse her in the hallway or in the front room or we would have to lock the cats in the basement (which we did the last two nights and they spent the night banging on the door and meowing :( ) and leave our door open and have her cradle just outside our doorway in the hallway. I have no idea what we are going to do! I just want to sleep in our new bed DAMMIT!

hopefully not another nap resistor!

Little bug is actually napping in her swing! NAPPING IN HER SWING! I nursed her at around 11:20am to about 11:48am and then set her in her swing and turned it on so I could go make lunch for monkey and me. Took her a few minutes but she feel asleep! I am excited that maybe just maybe she will be way easier to get into a nap routine (when she is ready of course since I think she is still to young for one) and actually fall asleep easily by herself? I think it helps that her belly is full and she is a good nurser.

She did this yesterday as well after I fed her at 12:30 and slept in her swing while I played just dance 4 for almost an hour. She did wake up but the swing lulled her to sleep again and then at the end she did wake up and watch me.

Hopefully monkey doesn't wake her up with her loudness!!

no time to write anymore it seems...

I never seem to feel like or have time to sit down and journal anymore and it sucks. Things have been going okay I guess. It still is an adjustment with trying to juggle two kids especially when Chlobug wants to nurse or be held all the time. Mornings can be the worst since if Chlobug wants to eat and then monkey wakes at the same time I either have to listen to the baby scream while I hurry and get monkey dressed and fed or make monkey wait in the crib ( or out in the front room) until I feed Chlobug. I feel bad about making her wait but most times she really doesn't seem to mind hanging out in her crib. She usually has a few toys in there with her anyways. I don't know what will happen when she is out of the crib. I'm not sure when that will happen but probably soon except now I think we might get her a twin mattress since the mattress in the basement is to big to have in there with the crib. I think we should just get her a toddler bed but I'm not sure how Chris feels about that? We had talked about it before but who knows,  I have no idea what we are going to do. It's really hard right now to go out and look at anything together since it's cold out and I'm nursing plus it's more of a pain to try and juggle the two of them. I guess we could always just get someone to watch them but still. Bah we just have to sit down and figure it out.

I joined Weight Watchers online a few weeks ago.  I seem to have a lot of points but then I get extra because I am full time nursing. I have so far lost 2 pounds and I am on track to have lost at least another pound on my Friday weight in. I'm glad that I joined when I did because when I was trying to lose a week or so prior to that I kept screwing up. There are a lot of resources online that I like and I like it better then going into the stupid meetings which I found to be boring for the most part. Online is also cheaper then going to weekly meetings. They had a deal where you could join for free so that was even better. I would like to lose more then a pound a week but right now I am happy to have at least be losing!

I'm not sure how long I am going to continue to nurse. It's driving me insane. I finally stopped recording every time I nursed her and all her diapers and that has seemed to help a bit. Right now my one nipple is hurting and she struggles to latch right away sometimes. She twists her head down a lot after latching as well. I find it nice at night though since I try and feed her or dream feed her around 11 before we go to bed. Lately she has been sleeping to at least 4am then I just bring her into our bed and nurse her on one side until I wake up and then we switch sides. I was getting up and trying to nurse her and then putting her back in the cradle but it was sucking. I need my sleep and I get really angry in the middle of the night if I can't. I hate that I am that way and I know that is what babies do (eat constantly) but it really is hard to keep calm when I am so tired all the time. Our bed is sort of small to so even nursing in bed is not fun either. I am always sandwiched between her and Chris basically has to hold onto me so he doesn't fall off his side of the bed lol.  It kills my back and my legs are always aching when I wake up. I'm afraid to switch to bottle feeding though since I really don't know two things about it (ie how much to give her and how often). Nursing her to sleep is my fail safe and basically is how I get her to sleep so if she doesn't go to sleep when being bottle fed then what will I do? I have no idea what to do anymore.

night time feedings suck..

I feel amazingly awake today! Yesterday was another story though. The night before we were able to put Chlobug into her cradle without her waking up to much. She did stir a few times but giving her her pacifier and resting my hand on her chest she fell back into slumber easily. I thought sleeping at night was getting better because the few nights before she was like this. I thought adding the heart beat for white noise was what was helping and moving the night light into the bathroom. But I was wrong , terribly wrong.  The night before last, like I said, she went to bed easily and woke up around 3am to eat. Unfortunately she wouldn't stay asleep nor fall asleep in her cradle even though she only ate on one side and no matter how hard I tried to wake her up a bit so she would latch on the other side, she wouldn't wake up. But of course when I put her down she started crying.  After trying to get her to sleep for 30 minutes I finally had to get up and nurse her again and then the same thing happened. Eventually after almost 2 hours of this Chris got 2 oz of formula and tried again. Nope, she wasn't having any of that. Chris at this point was doing most of the trying because I was just soooo tired and angry that I wasn't going to be much help at all. Finally around 6am I was like just bring her to bed and I will nurse her laying down. So we finally got some sleep again but not really to much. All day I was cranky, tired and had no patience and to make matters worse every time I went to do something and set Chlobug down she would get cranky after 5 mins which just added to my frustration!

So being fed up and exhausted by the night before I just saved us all the hassle and brought her to bed with us when she woke up in the middle of the night and was able to sleep until 8 am. Although holding myself in that position really does a number on my back and my neck especially when I am on my right side for some reason. I really don't know what will happen when and if I decide to wean because I am still really considering that but for now we will see how it goes.