Baby is sleeping in her swing. I guess she must have gotten enough the last time I fed her which was around 2 pm. We took a trip to work to show her to a few people that hadn't seen her and of course some that already had so I had tried to feed her at 11:45 am but it had only been about an hour since she last ate so I don't think she was to interested or got to much at all. So after getting home I thought she would be hungry and she was a bit cranky but again she didn't seem to eat to much. Maybe she has just gotten really efficient or something? She was rubbing her eyes (she just started doing this last week and it's the cutest thing ever) so I set her in her swing with her soother and turned it on and she is now napping :)
I tried pumping last night and this morning. I haven't pumped in a while but it is nice to have some milk to bring with us when we go somewhere just in case. Well it has like no suction on it anymore and it's frustrating the HELL out of me. I hate pumping but right now I don't even have the OPTION to pump. GAWD. After this I will hate the words breast feeding and anything that has to do with it. It finally is going okay and then the pump is being a jerk. SERIOUSLY! I'm so annoyed at the moment. I was reading on the LLL boards and someone mentioned that it might be the membrane that needs to be changed. I have two extra ones that haven't been used at all so next time I try I will use one of those. If that doesn't the same then the book has a few suggestions, although really they are all common sense. Another person on the LLL boards also mentioned try taking it apart and making sure when you put it back together that everything is put together tightly. That seemed to work for them. So I have a few things to try. If none of those work I will probably bring it with us when we see Heidi in about 3 weeks and/or call Medela and see what they say. I really hope it's something easy like the membrane just needs to be replaced. Ugh. Stupid thing.
Tomorrow monkey gets her first needles and I am not looking forward to it. I hope they aren't as bad as I think it's going to be. I could barely stand it when they did the heel prick test, but that had to be worse then two needles. :( Tomorrow I am also going to ask his recommendations on what type of formula to get for her and how I would go about transitioning from bf to formula feeding. I know last weekend I was ready to give up bf but it seems to be going way better this week so I will keep trucking for as long as I can. Right now my goal is 6 months and hopefully I can stretch it out to at least a year. I really want to continue with it since it's the best for her and the perks of bf are so much better then bottle feeding. She also seems to be not taking as long although it's still every 2-3 hours and she is sleeping at least a 4-5 hours stretch at night so that is really helping. I think at one point this week while I was feeding her I was just looking down at her and thinking that I might actually miss it if I stopped and that just made me sad. It seems that I just have to keep taking those pills (3 of each) 3 times a day. I'm glad that they aren't that expensive! Hmm I might have to calculate how much it would cost to get to 6 months old if there is only enough pills in one bottle for 10 days. When I think of it like that, that kind of sucks. The last two times I tried weening myself off of them, everything got really shitty and stressful and it seemed like she was having a hard time. Those times really made me seriously consider formula, since the constant worry and stress gets exhausting after awhile.
These boards here at the LLL have really helped me, I haven't posted as of yet because all my questions have been answered. There are tons of other mothers out there that have gone through the same thing I have. If your breastfeeding and having trouble definitely check it out: http://forums.llli.org/index.php
I can't believe it's almost the end of May already. It seems like yesterday was my birthday and now it's almost June. Monkey is two months old now!! She was two months on Tues! Time flies by quickly! I also look at the breast feeding in that perspective as well. Sure it seems like it's a long time to do this, since it's so often and time consuming, but in the long run it's only a scratch on the surface and this time with baby will be gone so quickly even if it doesn't seem like it at the time. I want to do what's best for her and if it's only going to get easier I might try to get past 3 months and see how it is. If I give up now I will never know, and I didn't go through all that trouble to stop when it seems like it's going okay finally. Took a lot of tears , stress and determination to get this far I might as well keep trucking. Who knows though a few days from now I might feel differently again.
I also want to finish painting the baby's room this weekend. I just have to stop at Michael's and get the paint for the tree and leaves. I'm excited but scared to put anything over the green in case I screw it up lol! I probably will tape the outline of the tree first before starting then the rest will be easy. We need to get some shelves for the baby's room as well, since we have no where to display some of her stuffed animals, books etc. Should be fun though!
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
crappy
2:29 pm
I feel like complete crap today. I woke up in the wee hours to feed monkey and had the starting of a sore throat. I was pretty cold so no surprise there but I was hoping it would be one of those ones that goes away after your up for a bit. No such luck. It's 2:30 and I still have that feeling and a slight headache. Just enough to make you feel like shit. Thankfully monkey is not fussy or cranky today. Actually she is sleeping at the moment which is nice, although I am sure she will wake up soon crying because she is hungry. She only ate from one side for less that 20 mins so we will see. Sucky.
5:58 pm
ooo I just realized this is May 24 weekend! Which means Chris should have a three day weekend! Woot!!
I feel like complete crap today. I woke up in the wee hours to feed monkey and had the starting of a sore throat. I was pretty cold so no surprise there but I was hoping it would be one of those ones that goes away after your up for a bit. No such luck. It's 2:30 and I still have that feeling and a slight headache. Just enough to make you feel like shit. Thankfully monkey is not fussy or cranky today. Actually she is sleeping at the moment which is nice, although I am sure she will wake up soon crying because she is hungry. She only ate from one side for less that 20 mins so we will see. Sucky.
5:58 pm
ooo I just realized this is May 24 weekend! Which means Chris should have a three day weekend! Woot!!
Monday, May 16, 2011
confused!?
Last night monkey was almost laughing out loud. It was the cutest thing ever. We both cannot wait until she does. I had just finished feeding her and I was talking to her and she was all smiles for the longest time. She started cooing a bit. Chris could hear her all the way from the computer. He said she was doing the same thing earlier when he had her on the play mat on the ground. So close to giggling and laughing.
I had stopped taking fenugreek on Friday night to see if I could slowly stop taking the herbs instead of just stopping both suddenly. But yesterday her feedings started going to crap again so the herbs must be making a difference. It was so stressful she was frantic to get milk but either wasn't getting it fast enough or wasn't getting enough. I started taking them at once again. I can't deal with that whole situation again. Thankfully they aren't that much money. I only have enough for today and part of tomorrow so I need to go down and get some more. She had a better time eating in the wee hours of the morning and this morning so far. So that is a HUGE relief.
Yesterday I had decided to switch to bottle feeding, or hopefully be able to do some supplementing but still breast feed some of the time. It definitely is something we need to talk to with the doctor at least and possibly Heidi as well. Today I'm not so sure anymore. I hate this going back and forth. I feel so guilty wanting to quit and then I feel like I went through all that trouble to stop just before she is three months? I guess though it's not all for nothing as she did get breast milk for two months.
My only concern about switching over and being totally bottle fed is what would I do if the power is off all day long again. Although I like Chris's idea that we could have a case or a few cans or whatever amount of premixed ready to go formula in case that happens again. I don't know. It all depends on what we can do and what the doctor says. I have no idea how to bottle feed. How often does she get one? How much? How do we know when to increase to an extra ounce? What are her diapers like? Ugh so many questions.
Although at least mom and Tam and everyone would be able to answer those questions since they all bottle fed. I still don't know what to do. I don't think I will know until I know more and just up and decide one day that I can't continue.
okay monkey is getting cranky. gotta go see why :)
I had stopped taking fenugreek on Friday night to see if I could slowly stop taking the herbs instead of just stopping both suddenly. But yesterday her feedings started going to crap again so the herbs must be making a difference. It was so stressful she was frantic to get milk but either wasn't getting it fast enough or wasn't getting enough. I started taking them at once again. I can't deal with that whole situation again. Thankfully they aren't that much money. I only have enough for today and part of tomorrow so I need to go down and get some more. She had a better time eating in the wee hours of the morning and this morning so far. So that is a HUGE relief.
Yesterday I had decided to switch to bottle feeding, or hopefully be able to do some supplementing but still breast feed some of the time. It definitely is something we need to talk to with the doctor at least and possibly Heidi as well. Today I'm not so sure anymore. I hate this going back and forth. I feel so guilty wanting to quit and then I feel like I went through all that trouble to stop just before she is three months? I guess though it's not all for nothing as she did get breast milk for two months.
My only concern about switching over and being totally bottle fed is what would I do if the power is off all day long again. Although I like Chris's idea that we could have a case or a few cans or whatever amount of premixed ready to go formula in case that happens again. I don't know. It all depends on what we can do and what the doctor says. I have no idea how to bottle feed. How often does she get one? How much? How do we know when to increase to an extra ounce? What are her diapers like? Ugh so many questions.
Although at least mom and Tam and everyone would be able to answer those questions since they all bottle fed. I still don't know what to do. I don't think I will know until I know more and just up and decide one day that I can't continue.
okay monkey is getting cranky. gotta go see why :)
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Emergency room trip!!
So this morning we went and brought Monkey down to the emergency room at around 8:30am. When we checked her diaper this morning after I fed her, which was around 7, she did not have a wet diaper. That means she went 12 hours (TWELVE HOURS!!!) without a wet or dirty diaper. The last time she peed was around 7pm last night, she did have a dirty one around 8pm so she could have had a pee in that one but it was so light it was hard to tell. Then nothing for 12 hours. Just before we left for the hospital she had a really small one. I was right freaking worried and I was like we are definitely going to the hospital. A few days ago she had done the same thing but it was only a 6 hour stretch. This 12 hour non pee really scared me. I've already been stressed about the whole breast feeding thing and just not wanting to have anything to do with it the past few days that this was just the icing on the cake. I was really worried that something was wrong and that I just couldn't tell or see it.
As far as I could tell she has been acting normal. I didn't want to not go and then regret it if something happened to her or was wrong with her. So we got her all bundled up and went down. Thankfully the main room was fairly empty and there were only two other people ahead of us.
Once it was our turn we told the triage nurse what was up. She checked her heart rate and her temp and asked us a bunch of questions. I told her I was breast feeding and that had a hard time with it right from the start and was at the point that I just wanted to switch to formula. She said she completely understood where I was coming from because with her first she was the same way and had to make the switch. She said with her second though she was able to truck through the shitty times and breast fed her all the way. She told me to not let anyone make me feel like I should continue bf, especially if you aren't enjoying it or are angry etc. She said sometimes there is just to much push from people but if your not happy then it's not worth it. Talking to her about that really made me feel better, probably because she understood what I was feeling and it was nice to know that someone else had gone through this. I'm sure there are a lot of people that have though but you don't always get to talk to them or talk to people with similar situations as you. It's nice to know that she was able to continue to breast feed her second child regardless of the rough times. She told me if you can get through the first 3-4 months it's totally worth it.
The nurse also weighed her and she weighed in at 12lbs!! She did have her clothes on but that wouldn't have made to much difference. She still gained at least 11oz since May 6th!! Crazyness! Monkey is getting heavy!
Chris mentioned that I was reading about stuff and then started worrying about kidney problems etc. Well it's true I did. I'm not saying that I thought that is what she had, it just freaked me out that it was a possibility. The nurse looked at me and was like 'aww your totally a first time mom and your going to worry.'. So we were sent around the corner so they could print up all the paper work and then we were set back around the corner (following blue dots) to the main nurse station thing on that floor. Then after a few minutes waiting we got our own little cubicle (number 8!). The nurse came in and we retold what our issue was. Then it was a little bit of a wait for the ER doctor.
Finally he came in and checked her over, listening to her heart, looking into her ears and mouth, checking her liver and kidneys. I guess all the basic stuff. He asked me a few more questions and then said from what he is seeing is that her liver is the right size for her age, her kidneys seemed fine since he was pressing on her tummy fairly hard and she was content with looking at me and smiling. So no worries there. He said that they would get a sample of her urine to check for a uti since that was really the only other thing that could be the problem. They would just get me to feed her and they would test a urine sample. If my breast feeding her didn't make her pass urine then they would give me a sample of formula for me to give her. The nurse came back and put an this weird bag like thing that basically stuck to her so that when she peed it would collect in the bag and not go into her diaper. I fed her as best I could in the cradle hold, which was awkward since I'm used to having my pillow and feeding her in the cross cradle hold. But it worked out okay. It was good that Chris was there so he could take her after I finished either side since it was awkward to try and pick her up since her head is still wobbly.
After I was done we just laid her back on the bed where she kicked and punched away and was merry and all smiles. The nurse came back and checked her and she had gone except I think there was a leak and most hit her diaper but there was enough in the bag for them to test it. It didn't even phase monkey when she pulled it off. I thought she would cry but she didn't. So after she went to get that tested we changed her bum since I noticed that her diaper looked full. Well holy crap was it ever full! It was so full it was like Stewie in that episode of family guy where Peter just didn't change him for like a week and Stewie had a hard time walking because his diaper was so full it was dragging on the ground behind him. That was how full it was!
We had to change her jammies since she got them wet from her humongous diaper, and even had a poop and another pee. She totally made up for not peeing for 12 hours! Gawd! While we were making sure she was done dirting her diaper the doctor came back in. He said that everything was fine. The results showed that her urine was fine, it was clear, and they also checked for something that would show up in her urine if my diet was shitty. He said basically you can't really predict when they are going to go and as long as she isn't showing signs of fever, jaundice, dehydration, lethargy etc then she would be fine. He said he wasn't worried at all and considering she weighed in at 12lbs he wasn't concerned and that she must be getting enough breast milk regardless of my troubles or worries. He said if she was still crying after feeding her we could always give her some formula. He did say that I should bring her to see her doctor soon and just get him to recheck her but he wasn't concerned at all.
This made me feel so much better. I was so freaking worried. Of course the last few days I have been so stressed about breast feeding that she probably sensed it and wasn't getting enough at her feedings. Also on top of that her pee's were a concern so that didn't help my situation any at all. I cannot tell you how relieved I am.
When we got home, after being at the hospital for about 3.5 hours (Not that long really at all) I called Mom back. I had called her before we went to ask her what my troubles were when I was younger. I had some issues with my kidneys but it was just that they didn't develop as fast as they should have so I was only ever peeing small amounts at a time. I wanted to know that in case I needed to mention that when we went. So I called her back to let her know what was going on so she wouldn't worry. She mentioned to me that soon after I called my Aunt Rose had called her about something so she asked her if she every had that trouble with any of her kids. My Aunt is the only person besides my sister-in-law that Mom knew that breast fed. My aunt said that all three of her girls did the same thing to her and that she always freaked out about it. That made me feel even better.
I am so relieved!! So relieved that I might be able to tough out the whole breast feeding thing after all. I was just always constantly worried about how much she was getting and then when she went for long stretched of not peeing it used to worry me and make me feel like crap. She always made up for it through the day though, it's not like she stopped completely. Just her pees always vary from small to medium to large. Seriously! I'm glad we went though. I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders! I know can enjoy the rest of the weekend without this nagging worry in the back of my mind. I am at ease now :) We will talk to the doctor about it on Friday since she has to get her first shots then. I'm also going to ask him on advice on how to transition from breast feeding to formula just so I know. For now though I feel a HUGE relief! Phew!
As far as I could tell she has been acting normal. I didn't want to not go and then regret it if something happened to her or was wrong with her. So we got her all bundled up and went down. Thankfully the main room was fairly empty and there were only two other people ahead of us.
Once it was our turn we told the triage nurse what was up. She checked her heart rate and her temp and asked us a bunch of questions. I told her I was breast feeding and that had a hard time with it right from the start and was at the point that I just wanted to switch to formula. She said she completely understood where I was coming from because with her first she was the same way and had to make the switch. She said with her second though she was able to truck through the shitty times and breast fed her all the way. She told me to not let anyone make me feel like I should continue bf, especially if you aren't enjoying it or are angry etc. She said sometimes there is just to much push from people but if your not happy then it's not worth it. Talking to her about that really made me feel better, probably because she understood what I was feeling and it was nice to know that someone else had gone through this. I'm sure there are a lot of people that have though but you don't always get to talk to them or talk to people with similar situations as you. It's nice to know that she was able to continue to breast feed her second child regardless of the rough times. She told me if you can get through the first 3-4 months it's totally worth it.
The nurse also weighed her and she weighed in at 12lbs!! She did have her clothes on but that wouldn't have made to much difference. She still gained at least 11oz since May 6th!! Crazyness! Monkey is getting heavy!
Chris mentioned that I was reading about stuff and then started worrying about kidney problems etc. Well it's true I did. I'm not saying that I thought that is what she had, it just freaked me out that it was a possibility. The nurse looked at me and was like 'aww your totally a first time mom and your going to worry.'. So we were sent around the corner so they could print up all the paper work and then we were set back around the corner (following blue dots) to the main nurse station thing on that floor. Then after a few minutes waiting we got our own little cubicle (number 8!). The nurse came in and we retold what our issue was. Then it was a little bit of a wait for the ER doctor.
Finally he came in and checked her over, listening to her heart, looking into her ears and mouth, checking her liver and kidneys. I guess all the basic stuff. He asked me a few more questions and then said from what he is seeing is that her liver is the right size for her age, her kidneys seemed fine since he was pressing on her tummy fairly hard and she was content with looking at me and smiling. So no worries there. He said that they would get a sample of her urine to check for a uti since that was really the only other thing that could be the problem. They would just get me to feed her and they would test a urine sample. If my breast feeding her didn't make her pass urine then they would give me a sample of formula for me to give her. The nurse came back and put an this weird bag like thing that basically stuck to her so that when she peed it would collect in the bag and not go into her diaper. I fed her as best I could in the cradle hold, which was awkward since I'm used to having my pillow and feeding her in the cross cradle hold. But it worked out okay. It was good that Chris was there so he could take her after I finished either side since it was awkward to try and pick her up since her head is still wobbly.
After I was done we just laid her back on the bed where she kicked and punched away and was merry and all smiles. The nurse came back and checked her and she had gone except I think there was a leak and most hit her diaper but there was enough in the bag for them to test it. It didn't even phase monkey when she pulled it off. I thought she would cry but she didn't. So after she went to get that tested we changed her bum since I noticed that her diaper looked full. Well holy crap was it ever full! It was so full it was like Stewie in that episode of family guy where Peter just didn't change him for like a week and Stewie had a hard time walking because his diaper was so full it was dragging on the ground behind him. That was how full it was!
We had to change her jammies since she got them wet from her humongous diaper, and even had a poop and another pee. She totally made up for not peeing for 12 hours! Gawd! While we were making sure she was done dirting her diaper the doctor came back in. He said that everything was fine. The results showed that her urine was fine, it was clear, and they also checked for something that would show up in her urine if my diet was shitty. He said basically you can't really predict when they are going to go and as long as she isn't showing signs of fever, jaundice, dehydration, lethargy etc then she would be fine. He said he wasn't worried at all and considering she weighed in at 12lbs he wasn't concerned and that she must be getting enough breast milk regardless of my troubles or worries. He said if she was still crying after feeding her we could always give her some formula. He did say that I should bring her to see her doctor soon and just get him to recheck her but he wasn't concerned at all.
This made me feel so much better. I was so freaking worried. Of course the last few days I have been so stressed about breast feeding that she probably sensed it and wasn't getting enough at her feedings. Also on top of that her pee's were a concern so that didn't help my situation any at all. I cannot tell you how relieved I am.
When we got home, after being at the hospital for about 3.5 hours (Not that long really at all) I called Mom back. I had called her before we went to ask her what my troubles were when I was younger. I had some issues with my kidneys but it was just that they didn't develop as fast as they should have so I was only ever peeing small amounts at a time. I wanted to know that in case I needed to mention that when we went. So I called her back to let her know what was going on so she wouldn't worry. She mentioned to me that soon after I called my Aunt Rose had called her about something so she asked her if she every had that trouble with any of her kids. My Aunt is the only person besides my sister-in-law that Mom knew that breast fed. My aunt said that all three of her girls did the same thing to her and that she always freaked out about it. That made me feel even better.
I am so relieved!! So relieved that I might be able to tough out the whole breast feeding thing after all. I was just always constantly worried about how much she was getting and then when she went for long stretched of not peeing it used to worry me and make me feel like crap. She always made up for it through the day though, it's not like she stopped completely. Just her pees always vary from small to medium to large. Seriously! I'm glad we went though. I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders! I know can enjoy the rest of the weekend without this nagging worry in the back of my mind. I am at ease now :) We will talk to the doctor about it on Friday since she has to get her first shots then. I'm also going to ask him on advice on how to transition from breast feeding to formula just so I know. For now though I feel a HUGE relief! Phew!
12:22 pm
Last night I basically came to the conclusion that I did not want to continue breastfeeding. It's not worth it to me to be this stressed, depressed etc. I want to do what's best for monkey but at the same time I just can't take it anymore. Chris asked if I could at least try to tough it out until three month mark when it's supposed to get so much better. Last night I didn't think I was going to be able to. Today I'm not so sure. She isn't screaming like she was yesterday. Last night we had a hard time getting her to wake up so I could feed her around 11. The last time she ate was 8 and there was no way I was going to go to sleep to have her wake up hungry an hour later. I just couldn't do that but I would have to since she would have to eat. It would not be fun for either of us if that was to happen. She finally woke up enough to eat around 12 something and I was able to half way decently feed her then. Monkey slept until 6 this morning which was nice and had a really good feeding at that time. The one at 9am was also pretty good so it made me feel that maybe things were getting better due to taking the herbs again. The next feeding at 11 was more of the same crap. She didn't want to eat after the initial let down and fell asleep. UGH so I don't know what I'm going to do at all. I hate this breast feeding crap. Okkkay she is crying now ... UGH!
12:41 pm
I have no idea what that crying spell was about. I think she needs a nap and is being stubborn about it. The more and more I think about it, the more I really just want to switch to bottle feeding. I just can't handle the worry anymore about getting enough. That was fine when her diapers were normal but she has realllly small pee's sometimes and at least three times has gone without a pee for about 6 hours. Not good at all. I really don't want to worry about this anymore. The problem is actually switching though. We will see if that ever happens. I feel really defeated. But I have no more patience for bf. Having said that and even the shitty experiences this time around I would for sure try and breast feed any other children me and Chris may have and for as long as possible. I came to that conclusion yesterday and I feel good about it. Breast feeding for as long as you can is better then no breast feeding at all.
I know she is a baby and will have cranky times but when I am already worried about her not eating enough, it just doesn't help. If I knew how much she was getting and she was cranky then I could deal with it better because I would know it's not because she was starving or whatever. I'm surprised she is not screaming now. I went and got her when she was crying a bit ago and held her for a bit and she sort of fell asleep but then woke up and started crying again. I knew she was tired since she was rubbing her eyes when I set her on the couch. So I took a blanket, swaddled her in it and put her in the play pen with her soother. So now she is content and fell asleep. I just wonder how long this nap will last. :(
Last night I basically came to the conclusion that I did not want to continue breastfeeding. It's not worth it to me to be this stressed, depressed etc. I want to do what's best for monkey but at the same time I just can't take it anymore. Chris asked if I could at least try to tough it out until three month mark when it's supposed to get so much better. Last night I didn't think I was going to be able to. Today I'm not so sure. She isn't screaming like she was yesterday. Last night we had a hard time getting her to wake up so I could feed her around 11. The last time she ate was 8 and there was no way I was going to go to sleep to have her wake up hungry an hour later. I just couldn't do that but I would have to since she would have to eat. It would not be fun for either of us if that was to happen. She finally woke up enough to eat around 12 something and I was able to half way decently feed her then. Monkey slept until 6 this morning which was nice and had a really good feeding at that time. The one at 9am was also pretty good so it made me feel that maybe things were getting better due to taking the herbs again. The next feeding at 11 was more of the same crap. She didn't want to eat after the initial let down and fell asleep. UGH so I don't know what I'm going to do at all. I hate this breast feeding crap. Okkkay she is crying now ... UGH!
12:41 pm
I have no idea what that crying spell was about. I think she needs a nap and is being stubborn about it. The more and more I think about it, the more I really just want to switch to bottle feeding. I just can't handle the worry anymore about getting enough. That was fine when her diapers were normal but she has realllly small pee's sometimes and at least three times has gone without a pee for about 6 hours. Not good at all. I really don't want to worry about this anymore. The problem is actually switching though. We will see if that ever happens. I feel really defeated. But I have no more patience for bf. Having said that and even the shitty experiences this time around I would for sure try and breast feed any other children me and Chris may have and for as long as possible. I came to that conclusion yesterday and I feel good about it. Breast feeding for as long as you can is better then no breast feeding at all.
I know she is a baby and will have cranky times but when I am already worried about her not eating enough, it just doesn't help. If I knew how much she was getting and she was cranky then I could deal with it better because I would know it's not because she was starving or whatever. I'm surprised she is not screaming now. I went and got her when she was crying a bit ago and held her for a bit and she sort of fell asleep but then woke up and started crying again. I knew she was tired since she was rubbing her eyes when I set her on the couch. So I took a blanket, swaddled her in it and put her in the play pen with her soother. So now she is content and fell asleep. I just wonder how long this nap will last. :(
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
at the end of my rope...
1:41 pm
I think I'm ready to give up on breast feeding. This is the hardest decision I have ever had to make. Today it's just constant crying. I assume it's hunger since it seems to be nothing else. I probably won't make the switch without going to see Heidi once more. Maybe she can give advice on switching to formula. I just want to enjoy my baby and my time through the day with her. I don't want to have to worry and have to use so much energy to coax her into eating. I gave her 8 weeks of good mothers milk and it's better then nothing I guess. I just can't take the problem after problem. Not to mention that I am worried about her pees again. She had a couple really good soaking ones but the last one was on the small size. I just feel so defeated and I just want to sit down and cry. I hope she takes a nap now but I am afraid that maybe if she does she will wake up screaming again because she realizes she is starving. Hopefully the herbs will start to help by tomorrow so all of this will get better and I won't have to switch. I seriously hate this and wish Chris was home. He won't be here for another few hours though. UGH!
She seemed happy this morning so I don't get it :( The compression trick isn't working either. We were watching the breastfeeding videos on Jack Newman's website. Compressions don't work with her. I have a feeling it has something to do with the latch. Her latches are to shallow and no matter what do to get her to latch correctly it just doesn't work. I'm still working on them though, it's just hard to tell now if she has a good one or not half the time. I just want to be happy and not have to worry about how much she is getting.
grr :(
2:32pm
I checked Monkey's temp to make sure she didn't have a fever, which she doesn't, and I didn't think she did but I didn't know what else to do. I can't tell if she is crying when she is peeing though. I don't think so but I am worried about that. Mostly because of the really small pees she has everyday. I meant to ask the doctor about that last time! Ugh and I forgot. Our next appointment is next Friday when she has to get her first needles. She is sleeping right now so I don't know if the crying was due to hunger or needing to take a nap? Or both? I finally had to stick the soother in her mouth and she passed out pretty quickly so maybe that was it.
Every time she cried and I tried to feed her she would get a let down then fall asleep. So who knows. ooo I hear movement from the play pen :( I am so afraid that when she wakes us she will just wail again. That will break my heart if she does that since she must be starving! I don't know what to do anymore.
I have a feeling that I would just be way happier if I formula fed her. I know I said before about hating that we bought so much breastfeeding stuff (ie the pump, pillows, reusable breast pads) but I guess I can use all that when we have another baby. Despite all of this trouble I would try again with the second baby.
oh crap she is going to start crying :( err or not? She made a few cry like sounds. I should go see what she is up to I guess. Oh shit nope going to cry...
2:50 pm
So I had went to get her then tried to burp her and she did have a small gas bubble, then went to change her diaper since she smelled like she peed and she did. It is 1oz of liquid since the dry diaper weighs .8 oz and this wet diaper weighed 1.8oz. (yeah I have a scale lol that I use for weighing my jewelry when trying to figure out shipping prices) I consider it small though and not very heavy. So I am still worried but at least it's a pee.
I had put her on the ground on the floor thing and she seemed okay but now she is crying again. DAMN I thought I had figure it out gawd
3:40 pm
OMG she had a better feed because I ended up trying to feed her since everything else I tried didn't work. It was better then any other today so that is a relief. She seems content now. Not automatically crying after being "done" five minutes. Although I did put her soother in her mouth and she is sitting in the swing without it on. I thought she might need a nap since she was yawning before I did so. I just hope she doesn't start crying because right now I feel relief and not so depressed and ready to give up like I was before. We will see how long this calm will last though.
I think I'm ready to give up on breast feeding. This is the hardest decision I have ever had to make. Today it's just constant crying. I assume it's hunger since it seems to be nothing else. I probably won't make the switch without going to see Heidi once more. Maybe she can give advice on switching to formula. I just want to enjoy my baby and my time through the day with her. I don't want to have to worry and have to use so much energy to coax her into eating. I gave her 8 weeks of good mothers milk and it's better then nothing I guess. I just can't take the problem after problem. Not to mention that I am worried about her pees again. She had a couple really good soaking ones but the last one was on the small size. I just feel so defeated and I just want to sit down and cry. I hope she takes a nap now but I am afraid that maybe if she does she will wake up screaming again because she realizes she is starving. Hopefully the herbs will start to help by tomorrow so all of this will get better and I won't have to switch. I seriously hate this and wish Chris was home. He won't be here for another few hours though. UGH!
She seemed happy this morning so I don't get it :( The compression trick isn't working either. We were watching the breastfeeding videos on Jack Newman's website. Compressions don't work with her. I have a feeling it has something to do with the latch. Her latches are to shallow and no matter what do to get her to latch correctly it just doesn't work. I'm still working on them though, it's just hard to tell now if she has a good one or not half the time. I just want to be happy and not have to worry about how much she is getting.
grr :(
2:32pm
I checked Monkey's temp to make sure she didn't have a fever, which she doesn't, and I didn't think she did but I didn't know what else to do. I can't tell if she is crying when she is peeing though. I don't think so but I am worried about that. Mostly because of the really small pees she has everyday. I meant to ask the doctor about that last time! Ugh and I forgot. Our next appointment is next Friday when she has to get her first needles. She is sleeping right now so I don't know if the crying was due to hunger or needing to take a nap? Or both? I finally had to stick the soother in her mouth and she passed out pretty quickly so maybe that was it.
Every time she cried and I tried to feed her she would get a let down then fall asleep. So who knows. ooo I hear movement from the play pen :( I am so afraid that when she wakes us she will just wail again. That will break my heart if she does that since she must be starving! I don't know what to do anymore.
I have a feeling that I would just be way happier if I formula fed her. I know I said before about hating that we bought so much breastfeeding stuff (ie the pump, pillows, reusable breast pads) but I guess I can use all that when we have another baby. Despite all of this trouble I would try again with the second baby.
oh crap she is going to start crying :( err or not? She made a few cry like sounds. I should go see what she is up to I guess. Oh shit nope going to cry...
2:50 pm
So I had went to get her then tried to burp her and she did have a small gas bubble, then went to change her diaper since she smelled like she peed and she did. It is 1oz of liquid since the dry diaper weighs .8 oz and this wet diaper weighed 1.8oz. (yeah I have a scale lol that I use for weighing my jewelry when trying to figure out shipping prices) I consider it small though and not very heavy. So I am still worried but at least it's a pee.
I had put her on the ground on the floor thing and she seemed okay but now she is crying again. DAMN I thought I had figure it out gawd
3:40 pm
OMG she had a better feed because I ended up trying to feed her since everything else I tried didn't work. It was better then any other today so that is a relief. She seems content now. Not automatically crying after being "done" five minutes. Although I did put her soother in her mouth and she is sitting in the swing without it on. I thought she might need a nap since she was yawning before I did so. I just hope she doesn't start crying because right now I feel relief and not so depressed and ready to give up like I was before. We will see how long this calm will last though.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
omg...
3:25 pm
Wow monkey was in a screaming fit about 30 mins ago. I had no idea why. I changed her diaper which had a small pee in it and I put a pair of jammies on her since she was just in a onsie (although I did have a blanket over her) thinking maybe she was to cold. That wasn't it. I didn't think it was because she was hungry since I last fed her about an 1 - 1.5 hours before that. Since I really didn't know what else it could be I tried to feed her anyway.She latched on and got a few let downs then feel asleep. Once I delatched her I put her in her swing which is were she is right now. So I don't know if she was tired or what. But holy crap I hate hearing her cry like that. It doesn't happen to often though but geez. Makes me feel like I didn't feed her long enough the time before or that I don't have enough milk for her. I know that that is common fear among first time moms but still!! No one wants to hear there child scream like that. At least she is asleep now. Although I still doubt that she ate enough. I hope she doesn't wake up screaming again because she realizes she is hungry still. Guess I will find out. The weird thing is she was happy before she started freaking out! She was all smiles and looking around. Yesh!
4:39pm
omg she is finally not screaming. I thought she was okay earlier but she woke up and just started again. So after trying to feed her again a few times, checking her diaper and putting pj's on her instead of her onsie and back into her swing I think she is okay. She was all smiles when I was changing her so I think she just is tired or something. Thank god for the swing. She didn't want me to hold her that's for sure, which makes me sad. It's nice to cuddle with her. So the swing is working instead. I'm glad Chris is almost home. I need even five minutes to myself where I don't have to run to her if she starts crying or whatever. Well unless she is hungry, LOL Chris can't do anything about that!
Wow monkey was in a screaming fit about 30 mins ago. I had no idea why. I changed her diaper which had a small pee in it and I put a pair of jammies on her since she was just in a onsie (although I did have a blanket over her) thinking maybe she was to cold. That wasn't it. I didn't think it was because she was hungry since I last fed her about an 1 - 1.5 hours before that. Since I really didn't know what else it could be I tried to feed her anyway.She latched on and got a few let downs then feel asleep. Once I delatched her I put her in her swing which is were she is right now. So I don't know if she was tired or what. But holy crap I hate hearing her cry like that. It doesn't happen to often though but geez. Makes me feel like I didn't feed her long enough the time before or that I don't have enough milk for her. I know that that is common fear among first time moms but still!! No one wants to hear there child scream like that. At least she is asleep now. Although I still doubt that she ate enough. I hope she doesn't wake up screaming again because she realizes she is hungry still. Guess I will find out. The weird thing is she was happy before she started freaking out! She was all smiles and looking around. Yesh!
4:39pm
omg she is finally not screaming. I thought she was okay earlier but she woke up and just started again. So after trying to feed her again a few times, checking her diaper and putting pj's on her instead of her onsie and back into her swing I think she is okay. She was all smiles when I was changing her so I think she just is tired or something. Thank god for the swing. She didn't want me to hold her that's for sure, which makes me sad. It's nice to cuddle with her. So the swing is working instead. I'm glad Chris is almost home. I need even five minutes to myself where I don't have to run to her if she starts crying or whatever. Well unless she is hungry, LOL Chris can't do anything about that!
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