ugh...

Last night I had a friggen blocked duct again. This time in the right side. I noticed it early in the day but it wasn't that big nor did it hurt. Well at night it got bigger and it was so friggen sore! Seriously that was the last thing I wanted to deal with after having frustrating feeding sessions the last day or so. By this time I was so fed up with breast feeding AGAIN. Seems like a freaking trend to me. I was so miserable yesterday and pretty darn depressed about it. I seriously did not know what to do. I just wanted to be bottle feeding so bad but at the same time I did not want to give up on breast feeding. I just knew that I was getting to a point where it might be best for me to switch. Although at the same time I know nothing about bottle feeding, what type of formula to get, how much to give her and how often. Also all the breastfeeding crap that we bought would be a total waste of money if I didn't continue. I just felt so helpless and depressed. I didn't want to be any where near monkey, as horrible as that sounds because it just depressed me even more. Then to have to deal with this plugged duct and being afraid to put her on that side because of all the pulling off she has been doing. My breast was already sore and then this happens.

I did do a lot of the hot compresses with a wash cloth and massaging the area and getting her to feed off of that side first each time, to try and help it unplug itself. I even pumped on that side after a feeding as well. I noticed after a bit that it seemed to have decreased in size and as weird as it sounds it felt more lumpy. I took that as a good sign.

Thankfully the duct was feeling loads better during the last feeding of the night and by the middle of the night it was completely gone. A HUGE sigh of relief for me. If it doesn't go away you have to potential to get a breast infection. That wouldn't be fun nor would it be fun to figure out where to get it checked out. I would probably have to go all the way home to my doctor there and thinking about driving with monkey in the car seat in the back, well I just don't know how that would work. What happens if the sun is in her eyes, what do I do if she starts to cry? Kind of hard to do anything if I am driving! UGH!

So the last few feedings of the day yesterday started to get better even though they were still stressful and frustrating. She was no longer like whacking me with her little paws or trying to push away but eat at the same time. I was still pretty frustrated though since it was better but not the best. I swear I was completely ready to give up again thinking all this stress, frustration and worry was just not worth it. I think if it wasn't for our pump that we bought (it was about $200) I probably would have stopped a long time ago. I really don't want that to be a waste of money and all the other breast feeding stuff we had purchased, bra's, reusable breast pads, pillow etc. It adds up after awhile. I was thinking in my head that I would give it a few more days or at least until after my next appointment with Heidi, which I have to make for sometime this week.

Thankfully though the feeding before we went to bed, the one in the middle of the night and all of the ones from this morning till now have been better. She still falls asleep and most of the time I can't wake her up to eat more but it's way better then what was going on yesterday. She still gets 2-4 let downs so she is getting something. Her diapers haven't changed at all, she is still peeing a lot. So all good signs. Her poop though has changed again, it's still green and still slimy/stringy but seemed a bit more watery today. Chris also thinks it's more seedy as well although I don't really agree, unless the little milk curdle bits are what you call seedy. At least it's a bit better then what it was like a few days ago. I still can't stomach the smell though. It's so gross! I want it to go back to the normal yellow/brown that it was before. That didn't smell half as bad. She seems happy and content otherwise so it really can't be too serious?

I hate this constant worry though! I know I will never stop worrying but geez! She's still seems to be eating every 2 -2.5 hours though. She does have longer stretches. I thought she was supposed to get more efficient with getting enough milk out so it takes less time but also start to go a bit longer between feedings, or at least go 3 hours between feedings. Instead she seems to be going the other way. I'm still going to feed her when she is hungry though. I am still awaiting her growth spurt, unless her cranky fussiness was it although that really doesn't make to much sense. Yesterday when I was looking up her behaviour it basically could be anything so not to helpful. One website said it could just be one of those things, another said it's due to a growth spurt, another said your let down might be to fast for her, another said it could be she has thrush and it hurt's her mouth. Seriously researching on the Internet is evil sometimes. So what is a person supposed to think. I guess that is what doctors are for! It's the same with figuring out the green poop colour. Could be normal but could be a million other things.

Hopefully that isn't due to a milk allergy or something. Since trying not to eat anything made from milk products would be one royal pain in the ass. I guess to to find out of that is the cause you have to not eat any products like that for more then 3 weeks because that is how long it takes for it to completely be out of your system. Then as one website suggested you can try to eat a bit of hard cheese after the three weeks to see if the poop goes back to the way it was then you know that is what it is. There are other types of food that could be making it go green similar to the milk thing but who knows. Hopefully it is nothing serious or hard to fix/change.

not a good day... a breast feeding rant

So I am totally sick of this worrying about breast feeding crap. Yesterday after we got home from the doc appointment I just decided to feed monkey the 4oz of expressed milk I had brought with us in case the doc office was behind on appointments. Since we got in and out of there fast and breast milk is okay out of the fridge for 4 hours and I didn't want to put it back in the fridge so I just fed it to her in a bottle. Well I don't know if this is the reason why or not but every feed after that was shit. She would latch, get the let down almost instantly then refuse to suck anymore unless I coaxed her for a long time. At some point during this she would fall asleep and not wake up. Sometimes not even when I tried to burp her in between sides. More then likely, not even taken the second side at all. So I thought okay maybe she isn't that hungry, but then an hour later she was super cranky and everything from changing her bum to moving her around didn't really help to calm her down. So I thought, 'okay she is going into her growth spurt, oh joy! here comes the cluster feeding'. Well nope every time I tried to feed her it was the same thing. They were all shitty feeds.

I know babies are super good at getting milk out, even more so then what I could express with the pump in five minutes but honestly was she really full after one let down from one side for 5 feedings? There was one or two that she probably got more then one let down but still. She was still peeing and pooping which just added more to my confusion. Each time I tried to feed her she also would be thrashing around and flinging her arms and pulling off the nipple (can I say friggen OUCH!) but refusing to let it go at the same time. I know my increasing frustration probably wasn't helping at all but geeez! I am already super freaking worried about her slimy mucus green poop! I do have a doc appointment for that on Monday thankfully.

Anyways, so I tried feeding her again before we went to bed. It was the same a really crappy feed. After awhile I gave up and honestly I needed to get some sleep. She was already sleeping and passed way out anyways so we went to bed. I woke up at 3am and she wasn't stirring at all. I thought that was weird but then again she, I guess according to the lactationist, should start sleeping 5-6 hours stretches at night so I thought well maybe that is what is happening tonight. We went to bed around 12am so it had only been three hours. I fell back asleep and woke up at 6 something and realized SHIT she still isn't even getting all mommy I'm hungry! So I got her up and checked her diaper and she did have a wet diaper so that was relief. I tried to feed her and it was more of the same crap that was going on yesterday. Well she wasn't flinging her arms anymore. When she did it before it wasn't because of an air bubble since as soon as she went on it was instant.

This was seriously starting to worry me. She did have a few let downs so I guess that was good. We got ready and went for groceries and by the time we came home it was feeding time again. She did want to latch on when I offered her my breast and got a let down instantly.

This feeding was a bit better but it was still some of the same crap. After the first let down she stopped sucking. We had to coax her to continue and she might seem like she was going to suck some more but then stopped after a few seconds. It's frustrating! I finally got over the whole worry about her not getting enough just last week and now this! Gawd. So now it's back to worrying if she is getting enough again. I'd rather go back to just having the really sore nipples all the time then going through this! At least then I knew she was eating. We had checked her diaper before I started to feed her this time and it was dry which also worried the hell out of me because that isn't normal for her. But once we checked her after I fed her (and she took both sides although really for not that long) she had a really wet diaper which once again made me feel better.

But honestly WHAT THE HELL!? Can it be any more freaking confusing? She obviously was getting enough yesterday even though they were all shitty feeds but she has continued to have wet diapers. Although after each feeds she wasn't crying, most of the time she was sleeping, but she would wake up 10 mins later and her little paws would be right by her face again. I used to take that to mean that she was hungry, well it's a variation of one of her hungry cues from before. I honestly can no longer tell when she is hungry! Like all the cues I have come to know are gone! So after trying a few things when she gets to the crying point I just try to feed her because I don't know why else she is crying.

Right now though at least she is awake! I mean that makes me feel loads better as well. Especially after sleeping all night long and me having a biotch of a time to wake her up this morning to eat. Although we forgot to turn the heat down and it was really warm in there so that might have been the reason why. Chris said he was reading that if her body gets over a certain temp she won't wake up. So I don't know. I just hope the next time I go to feed her it's more of how she normally eats. I am so confused. Each time I fed her yesterday you could say to me that maybe she just wasn't hungry but every time I offered her my breast she was like frantic to latch on then then do what she did. Talk about mixed signals? I don't understand :( I thought it was getting better but then something like this happens. This is like the reverse of a feeding frenzy/growth spurt.

Also I have been noticing I have been having sharp pin stabbing feelings in my breasts every once in awhile. I don't know what that is about? Ugh sometimes I just seriously wonder why I wanted to breast feed. Bottle feeding with formula just seems to be so much freaking easier and then I would know how much she is getting and she would just suck it back! Seriously!!

ugh.. :( I'm not a happy camper right now and neither is monkey I guess...

doc appointment

I had my 6 week appointment with the doctor today. When he first came in he was like, 'I was just reading about the fun that we had 6 weeks ago' (my perineum being cut, the vaginal tear and the million stitches that I had) lol. Unfortunately I really wasn't looking forward to this appointment since I knew he would have to do a pap smear. NOT fun ever. Thankfully it wasn't that bad and it was over with quickly. There was another small concern but nothing serious thankfully. He just asked that I come back in a month to do a final check up.

We also talked about birth control and he asked if I was breastfeeding. So I obviously don't need any form of birth control at the moment, although I said we would probably go back to using the Serena method. It's basically a rhythm method so I don't have to take birth control pills or get a patch or use anything that alters my hormones. Not really the greatest thing to do to your body in my opinion. Plus just being aware of how your cycle works is much cheaper then buying pills every month. I hate taking any kind of medication unless I absolutely need it anyways. The only annoying thing about the Serena Method is, among other things, you need to take your body temp at the same time every day and before you get out of bed. Although I guess with monkey I probably won't have to many opportunities to sleep in for numerous years to come anyways. It worked well the last time and since we are married now,and if I did get prego again not a big deal although I would prefer to wait until I have been at work again for 6 months at least so when the second baby would come I would be able to get EI again.

He did say that if we ever changed our minds that they could help us out with that. So that is nice that I wouldn't have to go all the way home to go see my doctor for that if I decided I want to take the pill again. To be honest though I can't see that happening since I was really freaking moody on the pill. I have a temper and am impatient as it is, it was much worse on the pill. It could have been just the type that I was on but I really didn't even want to deal with trying a different one. It could turn out to be worse.

I also was able to get an appointment with the pediatrician for monkey on Monday to talk about her poop. It's so gross! I preferred it when it was yellow/light brown, seedy etc then to this. It's so gross and sometimes looks like relish to me and holy does it ever smell reallly foul! eww! Thankfully most of them aren't to big. I seriously can't wait till she only has a few poops a week since breastfed babies eventually don't have to many a week.

Our appointment with Heidi was okay. She told us to come back in a few weeks when she is about 6 weeks old and we will see how we are doing. She said that if she isn't sleeping at least 5-6 hours at a stretch at night that we can think about supplementing our night feeding with formula so that I can get 6 hours of sleep at least. She said because really you need your sleep. Heidi is awesome and I know if it wasn't for her support there is no way that I would have stuck with breast feeding this long. I would have gotten to frustrated and given up already. I guess here we are the top city for breastfeeding in our province which is crazy but it's nice to know that there is this breastfeeding support here!

Anyways she was happy to see that my crack in my left nipple was healing (that was the reason why I was having really stabbing pain instantly when she latched on before). The stuff she gave us to put on the last time to heal the crack really helped! It's a real big relief because that pain was horrible and I always wanted to avoid that breast. I didn't of course but it was very tempting to.

She also weighed her because she was a bit alarmed at the weight that she was last Friday. She said that number really didn't seem right considering the last time we saw Heidi which I think was the week before the doc appointment she was 9lbs 10oz. She weighed her and she was 10lbs 6oz which made Heidi happy, which of course made me feel better as well. So we did the whole feeding thing and after like 10 mins on the right she weighed her again and said monkey got 2oz in that short amount of time which surprised me. Feeding off the left was sort of crappy today, she wasn't getting to much for some reason. She suggested that I just keep switching her back and forth every time she loses interest on one side until she just will not go back on. This is to make her eat enough because she really can be lazy sometimes and stop after her hunger is appeased. This might help her go for longer then 2 hours between feedings and also help her sleep for a longer stretch at night. She told me to do that in the day while I can function because I can cope with the challenges of breastfeeding even with some of the frustrations during the day. It's between the hours of 10pm - 6am that I cannot cope with anything especially when I am dead tired.

It was a good visit and once again made me feel like I can actually continue to do this.

Visitors...and dirty diaper rant

Cindy and Tam came up to visit me and monkey. I think they got her around 3pm. Cin had told me that she thought they would get there around that time so I made sure I had fed her before they got here. Nothing like saying hi to visitors and then saying gotta go feed the baby. I would have if I had to and I know they would have understood. She was in her swing that we had got on the weekend (best invention ever!). It's nice to have a place to put her that lulls her to sleep or keeps her entertained and she can see things instead of trying to put her in the play pen all the time especially since she can't see hardly anything at all.

She was actually awake when they got there which I know would make Tam happy since every time she visits she is sleeping and no matter how many tickles Tam gives her she never wakes up. lol. So after some pictures Cindy picked her up to hold her and then eventually passed her to Tam to hold. Some where between when Cindy had her and Tammy got her she fell asleep again! lol.

It was nice to hear that they thought she was doing okay because I was still worried about dehydration and still thought it was odd about her lack of a dirty diaper the night before. It really helped me hearing Cindy's adventures in breastfeeding. So Cindy if your reading this you don't know how much you made me feel better hearing about your experience and really having both you and Tammy reassuring me that she looked healthy and not dehydrated. Since she was at this time having lots of wet diapers. The thing that was freaking me out the most about that is everywhere you read they talk about she should have 6 really wet diapers or more in a day. Well really wet diapers to them is 1/4 of a cup so when she had pee's lighter then that it freaks me out because its not a really "wet diaper", at least to any info you read, so annoying. I know what that feels like now because I dumped that amount in a disposable to see how it felt. She pee's a lot though and it's not orange crystals, her skin bounces back when you do a light pinch, her soft spot on the top of her head is not sinking in, her eyes are bright and she has lots of spit in her mouth. Still I am paranoid. I think Cindy said well maybe small pee's are just normal for her. Which really is true. She pees more then 6 times and her pees do vary from really light to really heavy (unless of course that is just more then one in a diaper) I guess the most important thing is that she is still peeing though. Pooping really isn't a problem she does that all the time anyways. Although that is another thing to worry about is her poop colours. The doctor the last time we saw him said breastfed baby poops can vary in colour from yellow to a yellowy brown to a green or neon green colour. Seriously I feel like I am spending a lot of time analyzing her dirty diapers to see if she is doing okay!

Using the cloth diapers is also hard to determine just how big a pee was. I guess I will just go on that if it's wet its a good sign. Although I still haven't figured out how to tell exactly if she had a pee with a poop in her cloth diapers. It seems kind of funny ranting on about dirty diapers! Who would have though becoming a mother would entail spending so much time looking at her diapers. Geez.

I feel like there is always something new to worry about each week. She is still gaining weight, she never lost any after she came from the hospital so I must be doing something right. I know that it is common for first time moms to worry about this stuff and that to feel like your not giving her enough to eat or she isn't getting enough or your not producing enough milk. But damn does it suck knowing it's common but still freak out about it all the time!

a hand blown glass mouse!

I don't know where Aunt Barb finds things of mice! This is so cute and it's got pink ear's so it's perfect for monkey! So cute :) Actually all the presents for monkey have been cute! I can't wait till its warmer out and she will fit into some of the cute clothes she has received, especially the tiny little baby sandals my cousin Cindy got for her to!

horrible times are upon us again... :(

Last night was a mess. I tried feeding her around 9-10ish and it was what I describe as a crappy feed. She was just falling asleep to much. So after 45mins to 1hour I took her off and just let her sleep. I feel asleep on the couch and Chris, when I woke up was in the bed sleeping and she was with him. It was almost 2am and I was upset because she should have been fed at around 12ish. Although I guess she was asleep and it was a five hour stretch. Anyways Chris checked her diaper and it was dry. This really scared me since I started worrying about dehydration and that is a bad thing for her go for 5 hours without a soiled diaper at all. I of course was freaking out and wanted to go to the hospital but I ended up trying to feed her and then we went back to sleep. The next time we woke up she did have a pee (which was somewhat of a relief) but it was reallllly light and was nothing like any of her other diapers. So of course a whole lot of worry on my part. I felt like she wasn't eating enough and I was having troubles feeding her and it still feels like I am feeding her all the time.

It was just not a good night. I really didn't get too much sleep. We decided in the morning to count her pees for the day (well I am still counting her diapers everyday anyways) and if she still wasn't peeing to much that after Chris was done work we would go to the hospital. I tried calling the doctor but he wasn't in that day nor was the receptionist. Thankfully she did have pees today some of them really heavy but some of them really light which was still worrisome for me. I felt the feeding sessions today were shitty I decided to call A6 and see if Heidi had any openings this week. She had told us the last time to come back in two weeks to see how my nipple crack was doing and of course if I had any troubles before that to come back anytime. So I made the appointment for Thurs this week at 3pm since she was not in on Friday since it's Good Friday. So that made me feel a bit better. I just decided to keep watching her pees and watching for any other signs of dehydration, which she is not showing any signs of yet thankfully.